


I wished you were mine & other confessions

by mochimatcha



Series: We’ll grow sunflowers & other promises [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abuse, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Development, Character Study, Falling In Love, Homophobia, M/M, Might be slightly au, Panic Attacks, Psychological Trauma, Recovery, Violence, psychological exploration, secretly soft kageyama, touch and affection starved Kageyama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:40:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 47,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25672963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mochimatcha/pseuds/mochimatcha
Summary: No one had been there for Kageyama when he’d needed them to be. Everyone he’d ever known had given up on him. No one was there.But then--“I’m here!” With a gust of air buffeting Kageyama’s sides as Hinata ran behind him, Hinata had shouted suddenly from a position far closer to him than where he’d expected Hinata to be in that amount of elapsed time. Kageyama had whipped around, and right there above him was Hinata, body poised at the ready as he flew through the air under the filtered light of the sun which was pouring in through the gymnasium windows. For a split second, they had held eye contact almost as if they were hanging in a moment suspended in time. Kageyama could see it written plainly all over his face, he could see it in his eyes, he could see in in every fibre of Hinata’s being;“I will go anywhere you want me to go. I will be exactly where you need me to be before you’ve even decided you needed me there at all. So what are you waiting for?”Alongside the resounding bang of the ball making contact with the floor, Kageyama felt the stone casings that held back his whole entire being crack.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Series: We’ll grow sunflowers & other promises [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1861495
Comments: 179
Kudos: 306





	1. Invalid

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the direct sibling sequel to my previous work, “I’d love you if you’d let me & other secrets”! This story now has a playlist, so if you want to, give it a listen! :)  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5seBtKmxGFhOJw3hMBKOT2?si=nvzJynmmQSuWGyvUzbZcOw
> 
> This story is supplementary to the previous work in this series. It follows a character study of Kageyama from his perspective during both prior events as well as some of the scenes of the last story; basically, it’s somewhat of a retelling with both new and cross-over scenes. I highly highly recommend reading the previous work first! This one could probably stand on its own, but it only skims over a few points that were gone over more in depth in the last one, and the cross-over dialogue has been highly simplified, so in that way this story is reliant on the previous for some context. This story contains spoilers for it, and I think the previous work is best experienced going into it blind, although you could still read in reverse order if you really wanted. :) So if you’re new here then read forward at your own discretion!
> 
> This story is significantly darker in tone and more dense in wording than the previous given the nature of Kageyama’s upbringing. Viewer discretion is advised, good luck! I’ve still not read the manga and I only just started season three of the anime, so there could be elements of this story that are pretty AU. Like I jussst learned (after writing like 90% of this story and the entirety of the first, so like 85k words) that apparently Kageyama has had a sister all this time? Whoops. So his sister is now his cousin instead.
> 
> ** IMPORTANT: Make sure you read the tags for content warnings. This story peruses some heavy themes. Please be cautious.

\- ♠️ -

Invalid

  
  


In a time before Hinata had been such an integral part of his life, there were moments where Kageyama Tobio wondered if he was simply rotten right down to the core. 

Given the course that his life had taken up until that point, was it really such an absurd notion to consider? It was something Kageyama preferred to avoid thinking about too much, but that didn’t stop the thought from manifesting itself in the forefront of his brain now and then.

He’d been aloof all throughout his childhood. He didn’t like to share and he didn’t play well with the other kids. He’d grown up reserved and shy with absent parents, spending his days looking in all of the wrong places for validation and following around people who simply weren’t receptive to his efforts. He was volatile and explosive with his anger right from the get go with no parental guidance to curb the behaviour which led other children in his grade to avoid him, although he was always mostly well-behaved around the adults. If his bossy attitude and lack of social skills hadn’t already been enough to paint him an outsider, then his tendency to be a teacher’s pet, seeking approval wherever he went was certainly enough to have the other children turning their noses up at him. He followed the rules and was quick to tattle on those who didn’t, eager to receive even an inkling of praise. As a result, he’d grown up without really having any friends. His parents received many a voicemail from concerned teachers which led to confrontations at home, but nevertheless, Kageyama had found himself alone for most of his life. The only solace he’d ever had was a wayward grandfather and his cousin Miwa who he’d see now and then, accompanying them both to volleyball practices on rare occasions. Kageyama at least had fond memories there of tossing volleyballs back and forth between the three of them, although his father discouraged the activity, making arrangements to make sure that the young Kageyama would spend less and less time with them as the years wore on.

Despite this, Kageyama had never really had much time to contemplate his isolation enough to feel lonely. As far back as he could remember, at least before he’d started playing volleyball that was, he’d spend most of his time outside of school seeing tutors, running through math equations in a classroom until his mother would come to pick him up, at which point he’d return home just to go to bed and start the whole process over again the next day. Kageyama felt like he spent very little time actually living in his house, almost like it was just some hotel, and it looked the part, too. The house was littered with little expensive decorations that somehow still managed to look cheap; an array of fancy soaps sat untouched in the bathroom as he was not allowed to use them; the carpets were always spotlessly clean and there was no dust to be found, despite the fact that the house itself otherwise spent most of its time uninhabited. The weekends were the only time Kageyama really spent at home for the most part, time which he’d spend cleaning everything from top to bottom, always having to have the house prepared in the event that his father would return from a seemingly never-ending series of business trips. Kageyama did his homework, washed his clothes, and learned to use the stove to cook noodles, always making sure to do the dishes immediately after. He watered and cleaned up after his mother’s plants, tried on clothes that she’d leave in a bag for him outside of his door to sort into what fit and what didn’t, and he’d dress himself well even on the weekends, once again just in case his estranged father chose to pay him a visit.

Little Kageyama Tobio had always been eager to win his father’s approval. It was a high he rode on from the once in a blue moon occasion where his father would nod his head at him in satisfaction, like when he would serve trays of hors d'oeuvres (whatever the hell a horse’s derves happened to be?) for his father’s colleagues on the equally as rare occasion where Kageyama-san would host a company dinner at their house, or the singular and only time Tobio had ever aced a mathematics test - those were the only two instances he could think of off the top of his head, and the rarity only fueled his craving for approval further.

Kageyama-san was an upright and proper man, although he held a fiery temper that revealed itself behind closed doors; he was always able to find an issue to berate his son about, be it his grades, his sloppy manners, or the outward image he presented as a representative of the Kageyama household. They were a dignified family, and they had an image to maintain - Kageyama Tobio was to become a CEO one day, his father had decided before he was even born, never mind the fact that his son did not give a flying fuck about business economics.

If asked, Kageyama Tobio would not have thought his childhood to be overly remarkable or interesting. Granted, he had not experienced the required social development as a child from interacting with other children his age in order to make an accurate comparison over what qualified as an ordinary versus extraordinary upbringing; he was a disappointment to his father, and for that reason he was painfully ordinary, was he not?

Kageyama hated being ordinary, he’d decided at age eight, but still he couldn’t come up with a single thing that was special about himself, and so it was that self-resentment had been a constant for him from the get go.

Things had started looking up for him when a teacher one day caught him throwing a ball at the wall and tossing it back as it fell repeatedly while he was on his own at recess, and had invited him for volleyball tryouts. Kageyama had always enjoyed practicing with his grandfather and cousin, but to play on a team--... His father had always been dismayed with his son’s inclination to the sport, finding it to be a waste of time. And yet, Kageyama felt the drive burgeoning inside of him. His cousin Miwa had grown out of it by then and his grandfather was slowing down, not to mention he hardly got to see them at all as per his father’s influence, but Kageyama could still feel it - he felt that desire to stand on the court, the desire to have his hands on that ball as much as possible, the desire to prove himself to any and all who were willing to spare him even a momentary glance. He’d discovered then what he stood for, discovered then what he existed to do, and soon enough, Kageyama’s whole life had become volleyball.

Volleyball came with a group of boys that Kageyama could call teammates, or friends, even. He’d never really had friends before, and he found himself not really sure what to do now that he had them, so he didn’t really do much of anything. That was fine, right? He’d read in a book once that it was important to be yourself around your friends, so he did exactly that, and existed as he always had, making no effort to be any different.

His father had expressed concern over his decision to join the team, put into the lightest terms, and outright ridiculed him in the worst. But for once in his life, his father’s words meant little more to him than the dirt underneath his shoes. For the first time ever, Kageyama had something to live for that wasn’t the approval of his father; now he was just searching for his own. New aspirations were unfolding for him - he’d become the greatest volleyball player in the world. No one would be able to surpass him. He’d prove to everyone just how wrong they had been about him.

He’d prove he was worth more than anyone had ever thought. He didn’t need the validation of others.

…Except that he did.

\- ♠️ -

Kageyama discovered he liked men in early junior high when he started noticing the boys on the team in ways he hadn’t noticed them before. Flashes of toned thighs in the locker room, boisterous laughing, pretty smiles - they made Kageyama’s stomach churn in strange ways he didn't quite understand. Kageyama would catch himself just staring at times, oftentimes in inappropriate situations like while getting changed in the locker room, not even having noticed he was doing it until the person of interest would turn their head to him, make eye contact, and call him out for being some sort of _creep_.

There was one of them in particular he’d developed some strange sort of fixation on. Seeing that boy’s face would make his own heat up in turn, but he’d misidentified the emotion in association as anger or envy. He’d thought his resentment for said boy was born of rivalry, or maybe to some extent from his own self-loathing or jealousy, until his epiphany occurred to him one late night under the sheets when that image of brown, fanned out hair and a cocky smile had conjured itself up in his mind. He’d come to realize that his severe dislike of that certain boy on his volleyball team stemmed more from his own poorly handled awe and fascination for him than anything else.

It was with the aforementioned boy who had sparked the revelation that Kageyama came to find himself in some half-baked tie in with, presumably after Kageyama had been caught eyeing him up in the showers one too many times. Kageyama’s face would heat up bright red upon noticing him, eyes always travelling lower against his better discretion. He’d turn away and stumble as he tried to walk off all nonchalant, he’d make a mess of his words around him, and find himself sweaty and trembling under that sharp and calculating gaze, and of course the boy had noticed. The boy had cornered him in the locker room one day after practice and Kageyama hadn’t pushed him away when he’d fisted his hands into Kageyama’s shirt and kissed him bruisingly on the mouth, hadn’t stopped it when it happened again and again and again in the changing rooms, under stairwells, in plain sight in the gym late into the evening when everyone else had gone home, in bathroom stalls after games, anytime they were alone and away from the watchful eyes of other people - it happened often and escalated quickly into heated make out and one-sided groping sessions.

Kageyama had not been permitted to touch the boy in the same way he touched Kageyama, and even more disturbingly, he paid Kageyama no mind in their day to day life, treating him with outright disdain like he was lower than the dirt he walked on. His gaze was never kind when they engaged in their activities, and at times he’d almost look bored. Even when Kageyama writhed underneath him, even when he panted and squirmed and whined with that boy’s hands on him, the boy regarded him almost like he were an insect, something to be studied and crushed to pieces under his fist when he’d gotten what he wanted from him. On the court, they were rivals who fought to set, confrontations sometimes escalating to near fights. There’d been a time where the boy had nearly lost it and outright lunged to attack Kageyama before he was stopped by another teammate, but Kageyama had left later that night just to be cornered outside the gym in the dark. That boy’s hands were always rough and pulverizing, he used too much teeth when they kissed and Kageyama often felt distinctly ravaged by him once he’d go home covered in bruises that no one would see because there was no one around to _notice_ , no one but _him_. That instance had been the worst of it, and he’d needed to make up a lie to explain the near through-shot wound on his lip the next day when the coach had asked. The cut had been slow to heal with the way Kageyama chewed at it, constantly ripping off the scabs that would form as if allowing it to close would deny the existence of that experience. No one else had ever paid attention to him like that boy did, no one had ever watched him so closely when they were on the court, and Kageyama had come to depend on him for the love he had never otherwise received in his life. Kageyama didn’t want to let the wound heal, so he ripped it open time and time again.

Said boy eventually graduated and went off to high school, and when Kageyama had expressed concern over what he was to do once he was gone, he’d been ridiculed.

“It’s not like we’re in a relationship,” said boy had said, turning his nose up as he looked down at him. “Don’t misunderstand, Tobio. I’m not gay. You were just... convenient for me.”

“Huh? Are you… but you--...”

“What? Did you actually think I liked you like that? Don’t be stupid.”

“But you-- you kissed me! You _touched_ me--”

“I did no such thing,” the boy said back to him, voice artificially pleasant. “Tell them if you choose, Tobio, I dare you. I’ll tell them you assaulted me and forced me into it. And who do you think they’ll believe? Me or you?”

“But…”

“But _what?_ Are you in love with me or something? This was just for _fun!_ It was just some stress relief _._ I needed someone to practice on. Don’t misunderstand my position, Tobio; I don’t like men. You knew what you were getting into, didn’t you?”

“I’m not!” Kageyama had retorted hotly. “I-I’m straight too. It was all just-- just bullshit. It didn’t mean anything. We… we didn’t do anything. Nothing happened.”

“That’s a good boy. Don’t worry, Tobio, you’ll grow out of it--”

“There’s nothing to grow out of. It was just-- just practice, like you said.”

“I’m glad you see it my way.” To Kageyama’s chagrin, the bastard had the nerve to then ruffle his hair, and he bristled in response. “Goodbye, Tobio. I hope we meet again on the court someday. We’ll see who’s the better setter then.”

Said boy graduated, and it was all no longer a problem.

...Except that it was.

Kageyama had needed somewhere to vent and explore the urges once his companio-- no, his… that… that _shitstain traitor_ had left, so he did what most boys would do at some point during their adolescence and downloaded some adult videos onto the computer, but pertaining to his own taste he perused ones that featured exclusively men, even against his better judgement. No one needed to know but him. He thought he’d hidden it well. 

He had not, and his mom found it one day upon discovering that their home computer was strangely full of malware, and of course she reported her findings to Kageyama’s father. He came home a week later and the argument that followed was explosive, his father accusing him of being a colourful assortment of slurs for gay people. Kageyama knew that he was cornered. He could feel his chest tightening and the bile rising in his throat as he tried to come up with a plan of how to save himself from the situation - he’d never even considered this outcome, and as far as he’d been concerned, he’d be taking his secret to the grave. In hindsight, Kageyama didn’t know what in his right mind made him think that just outright _coming out_ to his father would be a good idea - he could have just as easily denied it, said it was accidental, something, _anything_ that wasn’t just a confirmation that painted him as some disgusting waste of life in his father’s eyes. Sadly, Kageyama had never been good at telling lies, and if he opened his mouth, he’d just say whatever he was thinking. He’d just blurted it out, and in that moment, twelve year old Kageyama Tobio realized that if he wanted to survive in situations like these, he should just shut his mouth entirely and say nothing at all.

“So what? I’m gay! What are you gonna do about it?” He’d said like a fool.

Kageyama could count the number of times he’d been struck by his father on one hand. It was a rare occurrence for the most part, although it had happened more than just incidentally throughout his life up until that point. This included the night that he'd come out, the increase to the tally requiring another hand to be raised as he’d run out of fingers on the first. That night had certainly been the worst instance - he’d hurriedly shoved several tissues up his nose on his way out of the house to staunch the flow of blood, running out into the darkness of a nearby park to hide and collect himself, barely staving off the panic that everything was about to change for the worse. He knew then that there would be no way he could go home until the morning at the very least, lest he want more than just a bloody nose and busted lip. He wished he could text one of his friends from off the team, but they’d never exchanged numbers. He wished he could seek refuge in one of their houses, but they’d never invited him over so he had no idea where they lived. Even if he did, what would he say? It's not like he'd be able to tell them what had happened, because no one could ever know except for--...

...It occurred to him suddenly - he still had that boy’s number from back when they’d been... doing nothing, they’d not done anything, that was right. But they were… _friends_ , weren’t they? With trembling fingers, Kageyama sent him a text, then two, then three.

Kageyama

Tooru please help me my dad found out

Oikawa please

I don’t have anywhere else to go I’m scared

Can I call you please?

Please

Oikawa answer me I know you read this

It had been a long ten minutes before he’d received a reply.

Oikawa

That’s not my problem, Tobio. You knew what you were getting into.

He’d stared down at the text through blurry vision. He punched his finger into the call button with cold fingers, holding it up to his ear and listening to the dial, before the call ended abruptly. He tried again. He tried again, and then again, again and again.

As he stared blankly down at his phone’s screen which displayed the dropped call, he realized far too late that he had been used. He understood it then - there was no love for him to be found there. He’d been played for a fool.

Wiping the blood from his face onto the sleeves of his button-down, Kageyama sobbed once.

_I will never,_ ever _place my faith in another human being ever again!_

\- ♠️ -

It had been cold that night. Kageyama ended up falling asleep in a bush only to be woken early in the morning by a mortified dog walker who expressed concern over his chilly blue lips and the dried blood all over his face and shirt.

That hadn’t been the end of it by any stretch, either. Life in that house from thereon out had become hell. His mother at least had the decency to be a bystander rather than outright attacking him, but he came to resent her just the same. He would catch her hesitation on the late nights that he and his father would spend shouting at each other; he would notice the way she’d start forward and then stop when his father got up in his face, just watching as his father dragged him forward by the shirt collar to scream at him, but she’d never outright step in until things really started getting physical. There were moments he could have thanked her for preventing his father from bloodying him up again at the very least, but that was about all there was to give her credit for. _You’re a coward,_ Kageyama had thought. _Such a fucking coward_. His father tried sending him to therapy for what he deemed to be some sort of mental illness induced homosexuality, but he was seldom around to enforce it, so Kageyama would just skimp out and not go whenever he could find a way around it. He’d face the consequences of his disobedience only several times a year, which he decided he could live with.

As for volleyball, Kageyama-san had attempted to forbid him from playing on several different occasions lest he fall victim to the _sins that manifested in his head_ , or the _temptations_ that came with being a gay boy on a boys' team. To get around it, Kageyama would pretend he'd been at the library instead of at practice, and he'd find any excuse to avoid going home until he had no choice. If he got suspended from club activities as per request of his father, he just made to practice in his own time. Kageyama worked hard keep his grades up as best he could until it seemed there should be no valid reason for him to be suspended at all. His teachers didn't even really know what to think, but in the end, Kageyama always found his way back to volleyball.

He’d often fall asleep at night with the murmurings in his head from old arguments that chased after him wherever he went, conversations where his father called him a disgrace, the boom of his voice when he’d cast Kageyama out on the street for a night, the hatred and the _disappointment_ in his eyes.

Kageyama had realized that if he ever wanted to get anywhere, he would have to keep the feelings inside and never let them out. He'd known it then; truly, there was just something wrong with him, but everything would be fine as long as he kept it hidden.

It didn’t take long for him to become numb to it all. He didn’t need to prove anything to that man. All he needed was to earn the respect of himself.

The thing about striving for such a goal was that there was no clear end in sight, no checklist that ever ticked off every point, no reward for the effort, and no matter what he achieved, Kageyama still couldn’t summon an ounce of self-respect.

Kageyama’s life had, at some point, become little more than some bullshit fly-by he was more or less unsubscribed to. He couldn't be bothered to care for the others that fell victim to his relentless desires to prove himself. Before long, the reserved and shy child he’d once been had grown into a bitter, detached and stoic teenager.

He took it out on the court. He played hard, pushing his body to its limit. He forced himself forward as the outside world would melt away into a distorted blur around him, throwing himself wholly and completely into volleyball. While he used to go home bruised, now he went home broken and sore at a rate that his body struggled to keep up with. He could feel his power growing and he knew his skills were unmatched, but still, he was not perfect - _not yet._ He was in control when he was on the court; his teammates were his chess pieces to use however he needed. He could move forward only for himself - nothing he did was ever going to change his father’s opinions of him.

He’d almost started aggravating him on purpose, from there on out. There was nothing left that could make it any worse.

_Just disown me already. Disown me so this can end._

Such a mercy was not to be granted, however.

_“You’re beyond help,”_ his father had said. _“You’re unsalvageable,”_ he had said. " _Do you really think you can get anywhere with volleyball, of all things? Don’t make me laugh. Soon enough you’re gonna have to embrace failure. Go ahead and try if you don’t believe me. It’ll happen sooner than you think._ ”

(That didn’t mean that the words hurt any less.)

No, he wasn’t going to let it come to that. There would be no more distractions. He could prove himself, he could prove that he was worth more than anyone had ever thought.

Things went further downhill when he’d only found out by word of mouth that his grandfather had passed away, and Kageyama hadn’t even been able to stand at his side and say goodbye.

The only person who had ever believed in him in any capacity whatsoever was gone, and from there, all Kageyama had left of him was volleyball.

_I will become the greatest volleyball player to ever exist. I’ll show them all just how wrong they were about me._

Things had been simple before Kageyama had met Hinata. He’d just played volleyball. It was the only thing that he was good at it and Kageyama knew it. His team had known it, too, but it wasn’t enough to make him into a redeemable human being in their eyes; despite this, they _needed_ him. Without Kageyama, where would they even be? It was _him_ who made Kitagawa Junior High such a powerful force to be reckoned with, after all. 

_I am the setter. I am the one who controls the entire court. I am the most important player in this game, and there is no one who will ever be able to take that away from me, not ever!_

His teammates were always several steps behind him. It made Kageyama angry to the point he’d lash out - he couldn’t understand why they didn’t seem to want to take it seriously at all. They were his friends - weren’t they supposed to care? He didn’t have time for so-called teammates who weren’t giving him their one hundred percent, no time for teammates who would just give him strange looks when he called them on on this, looks they’d all share with each other before glancing back towards him contemptuously in sync. It was infuriating; the way they rolled their eyes, or the way that they lifted their hands in mockery as if to say _“ooh, how scary, our highness is angry.”_ How _dare_ they look at him with faces like that - complete disinterest and nonchalance, like they didn’t give a fuck what he told them to do.

He couldn’t believe in them at all.

When the day came where he’d finally met Hinata Shouyou, the bitter sentiments had already long since risen to their highest peak where they were holding steady at a plateau.

Meeting Hinata for the very first time that day, Kageyama had been almost mesmerized by his presence on the court. His eyes were like glass windows to his innermost thoughts, and Kageyama could pinpoint the exact instance on the court when all of that obnoxious enthusiasm would peel back into something much sharper and intense, a look that sent shivers up Kageyama’s spine. When such a look came over him, Kageyama could feel that Hinata was watching him just as closely as Kageyama was watching him. He’d never forgotten that look - it was the first time he’d ever felt that another person mirrored his own intensity. And of all of the people in the world to find a reflection of himself inside, it was _him?_ For fuck’s sake.

He’d talked so big, too, declaring to Kageyama that _his_ shitty team would be the one to beat Kitagawa First; that _Hinata_ would be the one to defeat Kageyama, spouting some bullshit about how he would never give up, that he’d go down having given it his all, that he’d fought his way from the ground up to even be able to stand on that court in the first place and he wasn’t about to go losing now; he was just... so _happy_ to be there at all.

But what was the point of playing just to lose?

“Not giving up isn’t as easy as it sounds,” Kageyama had told him. “ _I’ll_ be the one who’s standing in the winner’s court in the end.”

They would _all_ see him then. 

Kageyama didn’t know why he’d felt the smallest twinge of excitement either when they’d started that game - Hinata's stupid declaration couldn't have gotten to him, could it? Hinata was just some irrelevant twerp from a nobody school, so why should his conviction hold any weight?

Kageyama didn’t know why he’d felt so disappointed either when Hinata completely floundered it all. Kageyama had proceeded to grind Hinata Shouyou’s hopes and dreams right into dust with the heels of his sneakers, but still, he felt no satisfaction. It had never been much of a competition to begin with, and the victory felt empty. Hinata had surprised him with his raw athletic capabilities, but then again, it was all wasted on him if he couldn’t even figure out how to use it.

Kageyama had been raised without praise - there never got to be a moment where he was just _good enough_ , because there would always be someone out there who was better, and if he couldn’t be the best, what was the point? Clearly, Hinata didn't share the sentiment. Hinata had faced off against him in a hopeless match; he’d fought right to the very end, but even so, it still wasn’t enough. Kageyama hated people who talked big when they had nothing to show for it more than anything else. He had tried so hard, but he’d still lost. There was no room on the court for failure.

“It’s just a game,” his teammates would say when Kageyama got too worked up (which they seemed to think was the case more often than not) as if that was supposed to _placate_ him, as if a _game_ was really just all it was. If they wanted to get anywhere, then they all needed to be playing at one hundred percent, one hundred percent of the time - it didn't matter if they were facing off against some nobody school or if they were facing off against a national powerhouse. This _wasn’t_ just fun and games - to Kageyama, it was so much more. Volleyball was all he _had_ \- it was all that he could use to prove himself, it was the only thing that made life worth living. Worse yet, his teammates would turn around and falsely assure each other that they were doing _fine_ when they clearly weren't, that Kageyama was just a whole different species, unable to sympathize with such common and lowly humans such as themselves.

Of _course_ he was a different breed than them. If they didn’t have the natural talent, then they’d just have to try harder, harder, _harder,_ but it was never good enough. They _never_ pushed themselves hard enough. It was no wonder that they couldn’t keep up, but still, Kageyama would not allow them to hold him down. Their team needed to be leagues better than they presently were to get to nationals. They couldn’t seem to understand that their incompetence had nothing to do with him, and had everything to do with their fundamental lack of skill. Did they seriously expect him to dial himself back to match himself to their ineptitude?

_Absolutely not._

Against his will, his mind had flashed back to those sharp and determined eyes that he’d met that day back during the tournament, the eyes that had tracked his every move with unwavering focus, eyes trained with a persistence and attention that had made Kageyama’s stomach twist.

Not even Oikawa had ever looked at Kageyama like that.

A person like that--... a person so sharply focused and gifted with such immense physical dexterity, enough that he was able to match Kageyama’s sets step for step on the court like no one had ever managed to do before; a person who believed so much in the value of every single point lost or gained and would always chase after every given opportunity, marking every risk as a necessary chance to take; a person with a drive so intense that it could face off against and hold its ground when countered by Kageyama’s own - such a person would be _exactly_ who Kageyama wanted to stand next to him, the person who he wanted always right there at the ready at his side, and he'd found it in Hinata Shouyou. If he could find someone like that to play alongside, he might finally have an ally worth fighting fo--...

Kageyama shut down the thought immediately. _No -_ he could do everything alone. He could carry the whole team by himself. He could match against _any_ six player team with no help at all. He didn't need Hinata. He didn't need anyone.

He pointedly stuffed down the steadfast honey-brown stare that seemed to pop into his mind at every turn, he rejected the intrusion of that boy’s words in his head repeating to him that he was going to take down every obstacle in his path until he was the last one standing.

_What a waste._

At times, Kageyama couldn’t even be sure his team wanted to get to nationals at all, as if it weren’t the most important thing in the world. Kageyama couldn’t understand their obsession with applauding each other over _mediocrity_. It just felt like a waste of time, and Kageyama wasn’t afraid to remind them of this at every given opportunity, because it seemed to him like they forgot it constantly.

So he’d remind them when they were on the court. He’d remind them in class. He’d remind them when he trailed after them at lunch, when he walked with them at a distance after school as they all made their way home, would remind them before he turned and left them where they'd then loudly make plans without him. They were his friends, and someone had to put them in their place, so why not him? If he didn’t do it, then someone else would. That was just how the world worked.

Wasn’t it?

...They grew fed up with him.

And it wasn't enough to just reject Kageyama just as a volleyball player; no, they’d made it personal and rejected him as a person, too.

He could feel their gazes boring into his skull as he’d looked back to meet their eyes once that ill-fated toss had hit the floor, so full of resentment, disgust, and worse yet, _indifference._

_“He’s just impossible to be around. We can’t take it anymore. We’re_ done _with him.”_

They didn’t give a flying fuck what he did with himself as long as he wasn’t on their court anymore. They were finished with him, and they wouldn’t even give him the satisfaction of feeling like his existence had an impact on them whatsoever.

Kageyama had stopped believing in them long ago, but _they’d_ never even believed in him to begin with.

Their indifference did not staunch or waver as he’d walked numbly to the bench. They didn’t even spare a glance as he sat there, arms trembling as he dug his fingernails into his own leg hard enough to bruise. They didn’t _care._

_Nobody_ cared.

It’s not like it had bothered him, though. Kageyama certainly had not felt even a single shred of disappointment upon being rejected by the people he’d foolishly once thought of as his friends. It’s not like he wanted to stay and hang around with a bunch of guys who had made it perfectly clear what they thought about him.

And it most certainly did not stick with him or plague his thoughts at only the most inopportune of moments, never mind the fact that his head would involuntarily whip around in what absolutely was _not_ dread anytime he heard the unrestrained laughter of a group of people from that point onwards, stomach dropping and hands shaking, decidedly _not_ giving in to the panic that they could be, would be, _must have been_ laughing at _him_.

If, at any point, he’d felt even so much as a shred of distress over this event, Kageyama was certain that he’d let it all out in one go. He'd spent that night curled in on himself on the shower floor with the water beating down on him, a constant angry assault. No one had been home to hear him when he’d cried so hard that the force of his sobs had left his throat hoarse and sore. The tears had fallen freely, lost among the torrent of water, head craned back with a low wailing noise reverberating in his throat that just wouldn’t stop.

He’d wondered if he should give up on volleyball altogether - that was an idea that hadn’t fared well in his mind. No, he’d never quit. Not for those assholes. There was always high school. He’d try again.

He’d show them what he was capable of. Then they’d be sorry.

Still, he didn’t touch a volleyball again for the rest of the semester after their team’s defeat, and he never stepped foot in the school gym unless it was required of him by way of a class.

He’d felt fine after that. He'd isolated himself of his own accord. Friendship was a farce that he would have no part in ever again, he’d decided.

Kageyama felt better when he was on his own, really. He no longer was faced with such bitter hatred mirrored back in his teammates' eyes. He was no longer haunted by those disgusted looks, no longer had to face the whispers and the taunts and the laughter behind his back on the best of days, and to his face on the worst. 

No longer did he have to account for being let down by others when there was no one left to let him down anymore. 

(No one left for _him_ to let down.)

And no fear of losing the respect of a father who had never respected him to begin with.

_“All that effort and nothing at all to show for it, huh? Too distracted?_ ” His father had goaded him on the phone. “ _You disappoint me, but I suppose that’s nothing new. I_ expect _that you will drop it from here on out. I do not want you anywhere near any boys’ teams, do you understand me? ...Tobio? Did you hear me? Tobio--”_ Kageyama had just hung up on him and tried not to think about the punishment he’d receive for it when his father would be home again in a week, ignoring the ringing of his phone seconds later when his father had tried to call him back. He deleted the voicemail that was left without listening to it and tried not to think of what his father would do when he found out that Kageyama had already submitted his application for Karasuno’s volleyball team and had been accepted.

There was just no one left, _no one left at all._

He could do it, Kageyama promised himself then; he could make himself strong. More than just never placing faith into another human being ever again, he wouldn’t let a single person get _near_ him. He could hide every aspect of himself that made him vulnerable and lock it all away deep inside of himself, never to see the light of day. He’d never let his weaknesses be exploited _ever_ again.

Kageyama ran into Oikawa again in that last year of junior high. He’d imagined such an encounter over and over again over the past two years, coming up with scenarios in his head of confrontations where he’d scream all of the words he could never bring himself to say at him, punch him in his stupid disgusting arrogant face, fight him head on after all of those years spent with the threat of it hanging over their heads. Thinking of Oikawa had always made Kageyama furious in a manner that was almost cathartic, but upon seeing him for real in the flesh, Kageyama had been astounded to find that he really didn’t feel much of anything at all. They’d run into each other walking home from their respective schools - Kageyama’s dad was in town, so he’d been doing what he often liked to during times like these and was just wandering aimlessly around town. Making eye contact with him at an intersection of some suburban street, Kageyama had watched with some kind of bored fascination as Oikawa’s face actually _fell,_ and for the first time in his life, he had seen what almost appeared to be an inkling of _shame_ there. The look was quickly overtaken by neutrality, but Kageyama thought that maybe he sounded hesitant when he spoke.

“Well, well, well! If it isn’t my junior, little Kageyama Tobio. It’s been a while! I’ve heard you’ve been having trouble with your teammates. Tut, tut, Tobio. They call you the king of the court. I'd say it suits you.”

“If you’re just gonna run your mouth, can I leave? I’m busy.”

“Aww, come on Tobio, that’s no way to talk to your old upperclassman! How’ve ya been, champ?”

“Fuck off, shitwipe.”

Oikawa just blinked at him, kicking the heel of his shoe into the pavement once. “Listen, Tobio, I’ll cut to the chase. About what happened two years ago--”

“Weren’t you the one who said _nothing_ happened?”

“Would you just let me finish?” Oikawa actually sounded exasperated. “Look, I said some things--”

“I don’t want to hear it.”

“I’m not the same person I used to be, Kageyama.”

“Neither am I.”

“Tobio, would you just--”

“If you’re about to _apologize_ , don’t bother. You look really fucking ugly with a face like that,” Kageyama said, voice flat. He didn’t even feel satisfied when Oikawa’s eyes widened in shock. Strangely, he didn’t feel anything at all. “Listen. You used me, but I used you, too. I just liked the attention, but things are different now. You were right, I grew out of it.”

Kageyama watched as Oikawa’s hand began to raise almost like it was moving in slow motion. Kageyama stiffened as it reached out when Oikawa took a step towards him. “Tobio, I’m trying to say I was _wrong._ ” He took another step forward. “There were some things about me that I was--…” Step. “...that I was in denial about, but I’ve learned and--” _Step._ “--grown since then. There’s nothing wrong with--”

_STEP._

In a matter of heartbeats, suddenly Oikawa's hand was _far too close._

_“Don’t you_ dare _fucking touch me!”_ Kageyama screeched as he violently recoiled backwards, halting Oikawa’s motions in place as he looked at Kageyama in surprise. Kageyama staggered back a few more paces, fighting to catch his breath as the bile rose into his throat, unsure of when he’d gotten so worked up. “Don’t you _ever_ fucking touch me or come near me ever again,” Kageyama heaved out with a heavy swallow, surprised by how sharp his voice was, even for him. “I told you, _I’m over it._ It was just some stupid shit we did when we were kids. I don’t care, and I’m not-- I’m not like that anymore.” He struggled to keep his tone placid. “It was just a phase. It didn’t matter whether you were a boy or not. I _do not like men._ You don’t get to just come at me and _preach_ now like you’re some holy fucking saint. Mind your fucking business and screw off.”

The corner of Oikawa’s mouth twitched up and his eyebrows lifted in the middle. Kageyama finally felt the liquid hot flare of anger rising up into him - how _dare_ Oikawa look at him with _pity?_ “So they were right about you, huh? You really have become entirely closed off. But you’re still exactly the same as you’ve always been.” Oikawa blinked once, replying evenly, and Kageyama felt the anger boiling up and out of him as his fists began to tremble at his sides. “I’m just trying to be a better person, Tobio. Maybe you should try to do the same.” Before Kageyama could even respond, Oikawa had turned around and started walking off without sparing a single glance back. “Seeya around, Tobio... or not.”

Kageyama scoured his brain for some sort of worthwhile retort. He couldn’t-- _how_ could he let shitty ass _Oikawa_ get in the last word? He needed to say something, but his thoughts had abruptly come to a halt and he couldn’t get his mouth to sync up with his brain.

_How the fuck do_ you _get to be the good guy in this situation? I’m not the fucking villain here!_

Watching for several long moments as Oikawa’s form slowly grew smaller the further he moved into the distance, Kageyama adamantly stuffed down the interaction as he turned to storm away in the opposite direction, doing his best to pretend it never happened. People were just - they were all _letdowns_. He pushed it all down and shoved it from the forefront of his mind. Maybe he really was just rotten. He didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to think about anything.

He’d been doing well, too, at least until the memories began to push their way forward past his defenses in the form of dreams. If Kageyama refused to acknowledge it in his waking life, his subconscious had made its intentions clear - it would not be so simple as to just push away any traces of the experience. It was a part of him now, a threat that lingered in the darker crevices of his mind, a quiet warning.

_You’re beyond help._

But then, just when he’d been at his lowest, Kageyama had met _him_ again, and the course of Kageyama Tobio’s life had shifted. Hinata Shouyou was Kageyama’s first breath of fresh air after a life spent barely managing to stay afloat.

And finally, things were about to change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! That was rough. If you managed to at least stick through to the end of this chapter, things start looking up from here for sure - those of you who read the first entry in this series should know. ;) If you’re from the previous story, hello and welcome to my home turf, which is angst and recovery! Stories like this one are my playground. I actually tried to tone down the angst from the first draft, but it’s still pretty hefty given the nature of Kageyama’s circumstances. If you’re willing to follow me there, I swear I’ll be good to you by the end.
> 
> My original goal for this story was that you could rewatch the anime and think of this fic and have it seem to align or make sense. Like you could watch a scene and see the characters in a whole different light kinda deal, like you’re witnessing their deeper thoughts based on this past that I’ve written. I worry now that too much of my writing doesn’t sync up with the manga at all because I’ve not even touched it lol, so sorry once again. Either way I just hope you enjoy it, even if some things are different. =w=;; His grandfather and “cousin” weren’t even in my first draft of this story. I know that in the context of the manga that Kageyama would have seen them way way way more, so sorry for that discrepancy. I guess that’s what happens when you start writing a history without even being caught up on the source material, so that’s my bad, I’ll just take my L and go.
> 
> Sorry for making Oikawa so morally gray! He was admittedly quite young at the time so don’t hold it over him too harshly. I’m actually a big fan of Oikawa in the show. I definitely think that he and Kageyama have some very palpable… tension, though, when they’re on screen together. Like they just come across so hard as bitter exes or they have like… tension from a one-sided fling you know? I always worry every time I upload about how people are gonna take my interpretations of characters and events from the canon material. As for his actions in my story, internalized homophobia is awful to deal with, especially as a very young teenager where you don’t even know how to handle it. It doesn’t make what he did right at all, but I hope you won’t end up hating this version of Oikawa for it. I think he’d be a pretty interesting guy to write about and do a character study on! Me and my character studies though, huh? Maybe one day, or maybe not. I have a few headcanons about him but I’m not sure I’ve got enough there for a whole story. Either way, he doesn’t come up again until the whole next work in this series lol.
> 
> Update schedule is as it was before - see you in two days on Tuesday! <3


	2. Sunlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There will always be hope.

\- ♠️ -

Sunlight

Kageyama couldn't remember the last time he had a regular, simple dream, rather than a nightmare filled with faceless people pointing and laughing at him. He wondered at times if he ever had.

But then--

_It’s him._

Ever since he’d met Hinata again on his first day of high school, Kageyama had been astounded to discover that his nights had been mostly dreamless.

Standing there on that first day, Kageyama had raised his eyes to meet Hinata’s once again, so furious that Kageyama should have the nerve to even exist in front of him, the nerve to be at Karasuno in the first place. Kageyama could mirror the sentiment right back at Hinata - why the fuck did that idiotic tangerine-looking-ass have to be there? He had felt genuinely taken aback to meet that intensity in Hinata’s eyes face-to-face all over again, so much more stark and mesmerizing than what he ever could have drawn up from memory inside of his own mind.

When they’d met again, Kageyama had recognized him instantly by those eyes alone, before reminding himself that no, this was just some nobody. It didn’t matter.

Clearly though, Kageyama had made some sort of impression on him.

Kageyama had no idea the direction going forward of the path he’d found himself standing on just from the off-chance that they’d both come to meet all over again in the Karasuno high school gym on that day; he never could have predicted the magnitude of what was about to change upon facing off against Hinata again in that moment. Going forward, he’d had to exist in a space uncomfortably close to the boy who was about to spark a million revelations. They’d moved forward together in tandem in closer contact than Kageyama had ever been in with anyone.

Hinata had always been forward as a person, right from the moment they’d met that day back in junior high. He said what was on his mind without thinking about it, a luxury that Kageyama had never been able to indulge in. The times that he’d tried had always gone south fast - it was as if the more honest and open that Kageyama tried to be, the more that the people around him found reasoning in abundance to hate him. Being open with his father had just drawn his attention to all of Kageyama’s many faults - faults of which Kageyama’s father counted and collected as ammunition to fire at him when he was already belly up on the ground. The times he’d reached out to his friends had led to violent rejection of Kageyama’s entire personhood, rejection of everything that made him himself. It was as if nothing that ever could have come out of his mouth could ever be the correct thing to say, so he’d learned over time to just say nothing about himself wherever possible. He’d let others talk about themselves all they wanted, redirecting the subject when they started to pry. As long as he didn’t open up about any of the horrors inside of him, they’d never escape. If he never opened up, there’d be no reason for anyone to scrutinize and reject all of the facets that made Kageyama who he was. The only way to be tolerated was to be a stranger to all.

Every choice that Kageyama made was always the wrong one. But then there was Hinata Shouyou - beloved, cherished, _wonderful_ Hinata who _everyone_ liked and _everyone_ wanted to be around. Hinata put his foot in his mouth with every other string of words that garbled their way out of his mouth, but everyone still liked him. It didn’t matter what he did - people just wanted to be around him.

It wasn’t _fair._

Hinata was bright like the sun, always so passionate and bursting with energy, and it all extended outside of the context of volleyball as well. He never got tired, never stayed downtrodden for long, he was always optimistic, always so ready and willing to invest himself into others. He poured himself into everything that he did, absolutely _everything_ , right down to the smallest task.

It pissed Kageyama off more than anything else. And it pissed him off the way that being around the boy affected him. He hated the way his rampaging, volatile thoughts would just screech to a halt when Hinata called to him. He hated how his sour moods would ease off and soften at the edges, he hated how Hinata seemed to just make all of his problems feel distant and small when they were together. When he’d try to distance himself from Hinata, Hinata would trail after him as if they were bound together by a string. If Kageyama took a step back, Hinata took two steps towards him. He inserted himself right there at Kageyama’s side with every given opportunity, defended him valiantly when others would bring up his past. “I’m not gonna let them insult you!” Hinata would shout at him after every altercation, all _incensed_ as Kageyama would just stare back in bewilderment. “Are you seriously just gonna take that? Only _I_ get to make jabs at you like that! You may be a bastard ass of a rival, but you’re _my_ bastard ass of a rival, not theirs! Tsukishima can go get his own! I mean come on, Kageyama, have a little pride!”

_Have a little pride?_ Kageyama couldn’t help but snort. _Everyone always says I have too_ much _pride. They called me an egocentric and overaggressive control freak, so why…?_

Being proud without a sense of self-worth always _had_ been a strange state of being to straddle.

Still, weird and overzealous and roundabout as it was, no one had ever stuck up for Kageyama like that before.

Hinata forced himself right into Kageyama’s space, too; he was constantly on the lookout for opportunities even outside of volleyball. When Hinata had found out that Kageyama ate his lunch alone, he’d started eating outside in the courtyard with him sometimes. Over time, he did it more and more until Kageyama felt that they were eating their lunches together more often than not. “I’m just watching my rival in his natural habitat! I'm taking notes!” Hinata would chirp as he’d take a stupidly large bite out of a meat bun. “Anyways, wanna toss to me after, huh, huh? Please?” Even when Kageyama berated him, insulted him, called him a dumbass at every turn and smacked him over the head, Hinata wasn’t deterred at all. He just kept coming back as if the more that Kageyama tried to push him away, the more he wanted to be around him.

That didn’t even begin to cover the amount of time they spent near each other in the context of volleyball. Practice was one thing, but Hinata never got tired, and he always wanted more. “Toss to me,” Hinata would say at every given opportunity like a broken record, always with that haunting intensity in his eyes. Frustratingly, that was the first time that Kageyama felt that there was a person out there who was actually happy to be on the court with him, and a person who was proud to call Kageyama a teammate. _For the first time ever,_ someone could _see_ him; someone had their eyes trained on Kageyama, but that’s all that it was. The observations only extended to the Kageyama that lived and breathed on the court.

He didn’t know why this just pissed him off even more.

_Why does it have to be_ you?

Still, Karasuno changed him. Being around Hinata had changed him.

“Do you even have fun when you play volleyball?” Hinata had asked him one day, Kageyama whipping his head around to stare back at him in disbelief and anger.

_What kind of a question is that?_ He’d wanted to hiss back in reply - how dare Hinata ask him such a senseless and downright idiotic question. But before he could force the words out, Kageyama paused, the question sinking in.

_...Do I have fun when I play volleyball?_

At some point, volleyball had become as natural to Kageyama as eating, sleeping, or breathing; he didn’t question it. Kageyama played volleyball because that’s just what he _did._ It wasn’t a question or even a decision, really - whether or not it was fun didn’t matter. He desired nothing more than to stay on that court for as long as possible, because Kageyama was a setter, and he would never settle for anything less than that.

Staring back into Hinata’s bright eyes, Kageyama realized that the query was not born of malice or contempt at all, but rather genuine curiosity. Hinata had a volleyball in his hands when he’d asked it, and he could still see it written all over Hinata’s face - _“toss to me,”_ he was saying with his eyes. _“Toss to me, because I can’t do it alone. Toss to me, because to me, this sport is like breathing; to me, this sport is everything.”_

The moment seemed to stretch on and on, but Kageyama still couldn’t come up with an answer. 

But so it was that Kageyama came to rely on another human being for support, at least in the context of volleyball. It had been in that very first three-on-three practice match where Hinata had broken through.

Up until that point, no one had been there for Kageyama when he’d needed them to be. Everyone he’d ever known had given up on him.

_No one was there._

But then--

“ _I’m here!_ ” With a gust of air buffeting Kageyama’s sides as Hinata ran behind him, Hinata had shouted suddenly from a position far closer to him than where he’d expected Hinata to be in that amount of elapsed time. Kageyama had whipped around, and right there above him was Hinata, body poised at the ready as he flew through the air under the filtered light of the sun which was pouring in through the gymnasium windows. For a split second, they had held eye contact almost as if they were hanging in a moment suspended in time. Kageyama could see it written plainly all over his face, he could see it in his eyes, he could see in in every fibre of Hinata’s being;

_“I will go anywhere you want me to go. I will be exactly where you need me to be before you’ve even decided you needed me there at all. So what are you waiting for?”_

There could be no clearer answer than what was right in front of him as he’d faced the decision of which direction to set, and the ball had flown out of his hands and right to Hinata with an ease that felt like they’d been practicing it from the time they were born.

Hinata hit that toss and slammed it hard into the ground on the other side of the net, and alongside the resounding _bang_ of it making contact with the floor, Kageyama felt the stone casings that held back his whole entire being _crack._

Sure, the spike had been sloppy and the ball had gone out of bounds, but one fact stood out among them all, filling Kageyama’s head until it was all he could see; _he hit my toss._

He actually hit it. And then Hinata had lifted his head up high and flashed a great big grin directly at Kageyama as if to say, " _see that? Nothing you ever throw at me will be too much, so bring it all my way and bet everything you've got on_ me!"

Staring back, Kageyama could see a reflection of a version of himself in Hinata’s impassioned gaze that had been lost to time, and only then did the answer to his question from before become abundantly clear.

_When you’re on the court with me, I become invincible, and_ that’s _fun._

From there on out, Kageyama began to rely on others on the court. He invested his trust into his teammates and grew as a person, and he could eventually admit that _yes_ , this game was fun. It had become more than just a tool for him to receive validation from others as well as himself, and truly, his love for the sport began to bloom in an entirely new way. Hinata’s passion had rubbed off on him without him quite having realized it, but he wasn’t ever going to admit that to anyone, hell, he could hardly admit it to himself. Yet still Kageyama drew the line at his personal relationships; he wouldn’t make the mistake of confusing a teammate for a friend ever again.

Hinata, some annoying and irrelevant bastard who was adamant that Kageyama was his ultimate rival when Kageyama barely even remembered him (a lie he had repeated to himself over and over until it had become a fact in his mind), had become his most powerful ally.

But even months later, Hinata still pissed him off.

Even more frustrating was how Hinata was just so… so _open_ , too, something Kageyama could never allow himself to be, wearing his heart right on his sleeve. Kageyama had never quite been good at identifying the emotions of other people, hell, he often couldn't even identify his own, but Hinata was different; Kageyama could almost always track Hinata’s thought processes easily just by watching his facial expressions and body language. Hinata could speak without ever opening his mouth. As if he didn’t already talk enough, he was always up front, never afraid to say what he thought, because his thoughts were all kind and even the most innocuous statement never ran the risk of making people hate him. Even Kageyama couldn’t bring himself to hate Hinata, not even close. If anything, he felt the complete opposite. 

(Kageyama hated this instead.)

Hinata was good without even needing to think about it, too. It didn’t even seem to consciously cross his mind to be kind - it just came naturally for him. And despite his oblivious nature, he also somehow managed to simultaneously be highly observant. He could pick up on even the most minute changes in Kageyama’s emotional aura, even if he didn’t always understand what was going on or what to do with the information. He’d figured out what worked in response and what didn’t, too. Even if he didn’t know quite how to comfort Kageyama, he knew that bringing him milk was a good peace offering. He knew how to distract him with stupid stories of things that he got up to outside of school, knew when to give him space, knew when not to press.

Still, Hinata would make his regular missteps too, like times where he’d get way too handsy and Kageyama would shove him off and out of his space in a panic which he easy disguised as anger.

Kageyama wondered if Hinata was even aware of it at all, or if his accommodating and caring nature was just so fully ingrained into his being that he didn’t even register what he was doing, or even know how _good_ he was at it.

Hinata was always willing to share, too, be it his food or unwarranted advice. His intentions were always, always, _always_ pure. His goodness bloomed like the summer sun.

Kageyama had tried to shut the blinds, blocking out that light, but as time passed, he found himself growing accustomed to it. Now locking himself away in the dark had just become so unappealing.

Was it so wrong to want to bask in that light a little longer?

Was it so wrong to want to--... _to stand beside--_

Kageyama didn’t let himself even complete the thought. Any time similar sentiments arose, he stuffed them down. He hated how much he thought about Hinata during his own personal free time. But that didn’t stop his pesky subconscious from pursuing it, and interjecting its conclusions into his dreams.

_Please, let me stay here. Don’t send me away. I'd give anything to stand beside you._

He would not give in so easily. He would not offer up an opportunity to be discarded again. If anyone was to be doing the discarding, it should be him.

_I won’t let you ruin everything I’ve made of myself._

So he’d admire Hinata from a distance, bask in his radiance from afar. Still, he’d keep the walls up this time - he’d already learned his lesson once. But as he’d grown accustomed to that light, he’d soon discovered that he wanted more of it.

He’d started buying meat buns sometimes for Hinata, just to see the way that the delight lit up his face, eyes brimming with genuine adoration - adoration for _him_. He’d praise Hinata on rare occasions, blurting out a stammered “n-nice job” on a good day, and he might even ruffle his hair if he were in a particularly good mood.

Still, Kageyama was adamant that Hinata was _not_ his friend. He was just making investments into him to improve their teamwork on the court. There was nothing more to it.

And if there were any traces of a smile on Kageyama’s face when Hinata flashed that bright, beaming grin of his because of Kageyama, because Kageyama had done something to make him happy - well, it was just a grimace. Truly.

They were teammates, and that’s all there was to it. Off the court, they were simply acquaintances that ate lunch together sometimes. Hinata never pried into his life - their relationship revolved entirely around their time spent on the court. Hinata seemed to have no interest in talking about anything else, really, and even if he did, it was one-sided.

But then Hinata had started trying to get closer. Kageyama shut this down immediately, adamantly rejecting Hinata’s attempts at prying into his life. “What are you doing later?” He would ask. “What other kinds of things do you do in your spare time?”

_None of your business, that’s what._

The bastard was persistent, though, seeming to think that just because they had progressed from rivals in volleyball to allies, that this extended outside of that context, too. He just kept trying - when one attempt failed, he’d try another. “Come to my house,” he’d say. “Let’s hang out more,” he’d say. “You’re my friend and I like spending time with you,” he’d say.

What was once just been “I’m just keeping tabs on my rival!” had soon enough become “I’m just hanging out with my friend, what's wrong with that?”

Friends?

Yeah, right. What a joke.

They were already teammates. Calling themselves 'friends' was just too much. Hinata was already way closer to Kageyama than he'd ever wanted to let him be, and he wasn't about to let it go any further than that.

_Volleyball is the only thing that matters to me. I don’t need friends._

He wasn’t about to go letting his guard down. He’d keep Hinata at arm’s length. He had absolutely _no_ desire whatsoever to get closer. He _hadn’t_ been searching for reasonable excuses that he could allow himself to accept to get Hinata into his space, either.

(Hinata came over one day to study, and only then had Kageyama realized what a dangerous game he was playing at. He adamantly refused to let Hinata ever come back after that.)

Soon enough they'd entered their second year, and it was just more of the same.

But then Kageyama had rescued two kittens, two kindred spirits he’d come across one day in October when he’d been avoiding going home. His dad was in town, so Kageyama had been spending his evenings walking down wayward streets, hoping to snuff out the inevitable confrontations before they could even start. On one of those treks, he’d found two tiny little half-starved kittens in a gutter. Not wanting to leave them there, Kageyama had puzzled, wondering where the mother was. He placed them into a cardboard box he found at the end of someone's driveway and had bought a can of tuna from the corner store which he peeled the lid off of and left out for them. Kageyama spent the next hour looking for her, periodically checking back in on the two kittens to see if they’d eaten (they had, but just barely), unsure of what to do. Soon enough he had found her, a small nursing mother cat who looked barely older than a kitten herself lying mangled on the side of the road. He returned to her kittens with a lump in his throat after gingerly moving the body out of the road and placing it under a rose bush in someone’s yard - he knew then that he couldn’t leave those two kittens, but he also couldn’t take them home with him. His mother was allergic and his father was a piece of shit who’d probably just toss them right back on the street, or terrorize them to the point that they’d die of stress.

Both kittens fit into just one of his hands. They were so… _small_. Kageyama didn’t know what came over him then as he held them in his arms - maybe it was the way they seemed to subconsciously gravitate back towards the warmth of his body, but Kageyama felt a surge of… _something_ \- a long buried feeling hidden away deep inside. He’d forgotten he could even feel such a delicate emotion at all. _Adoration_ was not a sentiment that he knew what to do with, but he just-- he never wanted to leave them, not _ever_. He would be there for them, he knew then. No matter what, he just had to be.

So Kageyama hid them in the woods and cared for them, opening his heart to another living creature for what felt like the first time in forever. For the first time in his life he'd felt that he was truly needed, as he was the one responsible for keeping them out of harm's way. He visited them twice a day at least, once in the morning before school and then again after he'd leave Hinata at their usual rendezvous, looping around a backstreet to make sure that he wasn't seen running off into the woods. The day after he'd found them he'd even left practice early, unable to stop himself from thinking about them and worrying. What if an animal attacked them? What if they got out of the box and got lost? He couldn't even stand to think about it. He would often spend hours with them after school, just holding them close to his body and feeding them tuna off of his fingers. At least they were finally starting to eat more.

_I wonder how long it will take for these guys to hate me too._

Whether or not he'd be betrayed by _kittens_ of all things in the future was one of Kageyama's least pressing concerns at the moment, though. He could give them everything that he had to give except for a home, at least until the fateful day that Hinata had followed him into the woods when it was raining and stumbled upon his secret (the fucking creep) and agreed to take them in without a second thought.

Shou and Tobi, named aptly by Hinata for their resemblance to the two boys; Shou the chaotic and spiky furred orange tabby, and Tobi with his lithe frame and sleek black coat.

And Hinata-- he was going to let Kageyama visit them whenever he wanted to. Kageyama couldn't have hid his relief and his gratitude if he'd tried. Hinata had given them shelter and a home, and by extension, Kageyama felt like his heart had been given one, too. 

Actually, never mind, that was a stupid thought.

(Kageyama berated himself harshly for that one.)

From then on, Kageyama had had no choice but to inhabit a space too close for comfort right next to Hinata. Hinata made no attempt to hide how overjoyed he was, either - it might have been endearing if it weren’t so irritating. “You really do have a soft side!” Hinata had told him. “I just wish you’d show it to me a little more often.”

The statement had left Kageyama stupefied. Hinata was so just so… _genuine_ in his efforts, not to mention the way that he treated the cats so kindly, too. Watching Hinata care for his weak little Tobi made his mouth feel weirdly dry, and soon enough, things had started coming out of Kageyama’s mouth that he’d never had any intention of sharing. Hinata just made him lose all sense of inhibition like that. He was keeping himself nowhere _near_ as closed off as he wanted to be. Hinata had already seen way too much, but Kageyama just kept _saying things_ , because of course the truth just had to slip out every time he so much as opened his mouth, especially when Hinata was just so shamelessly honest himself.

“I’d be your best friend if you’d let me,” Hinata had told him, eyes full of the purest form of sincerity. And to Kageyama’s own bemusement, he’d been… _intrigued_ by the offer, before kicking himself for it.

Worse yet, Kageyama had replied with something he’d never ever planned on telling Hinata, not ever. He’d opened his mouth to tell him off, to reinforce his walls, but Kageyama had never been a good liar at all, and the truth always found a way out of his mouth whenever he tried.

So instead he'd said, "I like the person I am when I'm around you more than the one I am when I'm not." The look that Hinata had given him then, so unabashedly thrilled and amazed almost as if such a stupid little confession had somehow meant the world to him, well, it had filled him with hope - it was a feeling alien to him. He stuffed it down forcefully. 

If Kageyama was just-- just _oh so_ irredeemable, beyond help, _unsalvageable_ , where did Hinata even get off on trying to insert himself into Kageyama’s life? Maybe Hinata just wanted to make fun of him. Get him to let down his guard like an idiot and then humiliate him.

...But Hinata was just too simple of mind and too dumb of ass to conceive of such a plot. Which meant… he genuinely _wanted_ to spend time with Kageyama. _Wanted_ to get to know him. 

_“I'd be your best friend if you'd let me.”_

_“I said best friend. We're already friends. We have been for months.”_

But why?

_"Because we're friends, and friends hang out with each other. And we are those. Friends. Friends talk to each other."_

He was so adamant, repeating that same word over and over again in that same broken record manner that he'd use to beg and beg for tosses.

_Friends, friends, he says we're friends. But_ how-- _How can we be friends? Is someone like me even_ allowed _to be friends with someone like him?_

It just didn’t make sense, and yet-- and yet watching his Shou and his Tobio crawl all over Hinata, seeing his cats as they'd opened up and started trusting Hinata immediately, he couldn’t help but feel a long-buried sense of warmth trying to bubble up and out from somewhere deep inside of him. For whatever reason, he couldn’t help but laugh, and he didn't even really know why.

_“I'm not going to judge you for anything. And I'm not going to go anywhere.”_

Then, before Kageyama had even known what he was doing, he’d said a _lot_ of things that a larger, more cautious part of him wished he hadn’t. He’d just meant-- he was only going to tell Hinata a few things, just to see what would happen, but then--...

He’d talked about his _family_. He’d talked about… about his _friends_ , and what they’d done to him. How they had hurt him, even if he’d hurt them first. He’d admitted it all to Hinata, when he’d hardly been able to admit it to himself. 

And then Hinata had taken that information, and-- and _psychoanalyzed_ him, pinning down a deep-buried issue with pinpoint accuracy that Kageyama had never even realized had been hanging over him like a dark veil. And then Hinata had just-- he’d _lifted_ that veil like it was _nothing_.

_“You cared in your own weird way, and cared a lot, too. Then they turned their back on you. And so... It made you never want to invest the effort like that again. That way you wouldn't get hurt. That's why you didn't consider us friends. You thought everyone was going to hurt you the same. You were keeping it specifically to team stuff without making the relationships personal."_

And then the devastating final blow;

_"Were you scared I'd turn my back on you?"_

How had he managed to put it so simply? How had he managed to spear Kageyama’s heart with his words as if he’d known him his whole life?

_“I wasn't there for you in the way I should have been. But I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere. I want to know you.”_

But _why?_ Why would Hinata want that?

And staring back into those focused and determined eyes with their attention thoroughly captured by Kageyama of all people, he hated how much the very idea of it all mattered to him. He hated how much he wanted to believe it could be _true._

_If you knew me the way I know myself, you’d leave, too._

Hinata’s goodness was always reflected in his eyes; if Kageyama had ever worried that Hinata might just be stringing him along, any doubts were erased upon meeting those great big honest brown eyes, so full of sincerity. Meanwhile, Kageyama was always having to school his features to hide just how much all of Hinata’s kind and supportive gestures meant to him-- wait, no. No no no. _Didn’t_ mean to him. It didn’t mean anything.

_Just leave me alone!_

He didn’t care. He didn’t want to be Hinata’s friend.

(He did.)

_Why does part of me want so badly to believe in you?_

And then, in just a month, everything had been flipped on its head.

Suddenly, Hinata was a dominating force of positivity in Kageyama’s life.

Kageyama could feel himself changing. He could feel himself changing, and truth be told, it no longer made him angry. Eventually, Kageyama had needed to accept the fact that he and Hinata Shouyou - they were... _friends._ Against all of the odds, they really were. Maybe he was a little late to the revelation, but it was better than never having one at all, right?

Part of Kageyama had been waiting for the day that Hinata would come to him laughing, laughing at _him_ , because he hadn’t seriously thought that Hinata would truly associate with a person like _Kageyama_ , would he? He kept waiting for the day Hinata would reveal that it had all been just a big joke, he’d never liked Kageyama at all, hated him even, and they’d never truly been friends--...

...The day never came.

As the days turned to weeks, Kageyama could feel his walls breaking down. After so long spent holding himself back and holding himself together, to find someone who was so willing to shoulder the burden with him was almost too much to bear. But still, Hinata was right there beside him with that face full of earnestness and determination, and in turn Kageyama had let the walls crumble, _willingly_ he let those walls he’d worked so hard to build up all fall to pieces around him, revealing for the first time ever the beautiful landscape on the other side; Hinata standing there under the sunlight, beaming that sincere smile right back at him with an outstretched hand, beckoning to him, the words unspoken alight inside his eyes.

_Come to me, Kageyama. I promise I'll be kind, and I promise that I will care. So please, come and stand with me. I promise I'll be there._

And for the first time ever, Kageyama truly thought he could believe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a story about an abused and neglected Kageyama learning how to give and accept love, and yes, I am feeling very soft right now if you were wondering. Given the nature of this story, writing it has felt sort of like a cleanse for me in a very personal sort of way. This version of the story is directly tied in with the next one coming up in this series, ugh I’m so excited to share the last chapter of the one coming up, but it’s gonna be a while until then. Seriously, I’m quite proud of it which is rare for me. Hope you guys are looking forward to that in a few weeks! XD
> 
> I love this chapter because it's literally just Kageyama being like, ugh, gross, Hinata sure does piss me off! *does nothing but think about how wonderful and lovely Hinata is for 5.3k words*
> 
> See you in two days on Thursday night! ;)


	3. Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kageyama can’t understand.

\- ♠️ -

Dream

Hinata had caught him gardening, one day. It was a hobby of his he’d never shared with anyone - surely, they’d never ever let him live it down. Kageyama Tobio, the bad mannered and proud king of the court, _gardening?_ It was just absurd.

He’d been standing in his kitchen among his plants, once his mother’s, but now his; no one else would be there to take care of them if Kageyama didn’t. He’d just been watering them. He felt almost a kinship towards them in some way. They existed just to be pretty, but they were still alive, and if no one else was left to pay them any mind, Kageyama would just have to do. He’d dressed down into his comfy clothes after getting home from Hinata’s house, listening to his music and winding down for the night. Kageyama felt safe when he was alone with his plants. There was no front to keep up, no cold and aloof exterior to maintain, no worry of putting his foot in his mouth and giving himself away; the plants just needed him as he was and expected no more. As he worked, he’d thought he might have heard the doorbell - maybe it was a delivery? He hadn’t really felt like checking. He was in his zone, the only one where he could fully let himself just exist out in the open, the one where he was safe and sound and alone, only for once, not _quite._

He’d been daydreaming as he listened to his music, lost in a happy fantasy for what felt like the first time ever - a fantasy where everything was alright, he was just as he was, and Hinata was there - Hinata was there.

_Hinata was there!?_

Kageyama had looked up to meet Hinata’s bewildered eyes, staring at him from the other side of the glass patio door in Kageyama’s backyard, the sky streaked pink and yellow and dark blue under the light of the setting sun. He was standing there, bundled up all stupidly like a marshmallow in his winter coat and scarf, staring at Kageyama with the most delighted expression of bewilderment and glee that Kageyama thought he had ever seen on anybody.

An altercation had followed. Supposedly, Hinata had just been there to drop off the math textbook that Kageyama had left at his house, and saw it fit for some reason to come around back to try the patio door when no one had answered at the front. Kageyama had been snappy and vicious, and truth be told, he had been _scared_ \- what would Hinata think? Was he going to make fun of him? Maybe tell everyone he knew so they could all point and laugh?

Hinata did no such thing. He didn’t berate Kageyama, laugh at him, or make any cruel jokes. He just seemed curious and… _delighted_ more than anything. It was like he was _happy_ that Kageyama had a hobby outside of volleyball, even if it was something as silly as gardening.

(Hinata didn’t think it was silly at all, he later assured him over and over until Kageyama had no choice but to believe it.)

Kageyama had invited him in on a whim, and the incredible expression of elation on Hinata's face multiplied tenfold. Sitting in Kageyama’s room, it had been the first time he’d ever had a… a _friend_ in his personal space. He’d never invited someone into his room before. Watching Hinata explore his personal territory had felt surreal, like having invited a wild animal inside his house. Truthfully, Kageyama didn’t even know what to do with himself besides watch as Hinata poked around, ducking down low and standing on his tiptoes to investigate every inch of the room. But when Hinata glanced back to look at him, suddenly Kageyama felt that _he_ was the wild animal in a space where he didn’t quite belong.

But Hinata had just grinned back at him, making no effort to hide his excitement. Kageyama’s room was plain, especially compared to Hinata’s whose room was decked out in posters, figurines and knick knacks as well as having quilts and blankets that looked like they’d been weaved together lovingly by the hand of somebody who cared deeply for him - probably his mom. Kageyama had met Hinata’s mother a few times, a short, stout woman with calloused hands and crow's feet at the corners of her eyes that crinkled with her bright sunny smile, and Kageyama thought then that he knew where Hinata got his soft honey-brown eyes and beaming grin from. Hinata’s dresser and bed were wooden and worn like they’d been handmade for him a long time ago too - perhaps by his father? Kageyama could distinctly remember a conversation the two of them had about Hinata’s late father who had died in a car accident, but Kageyama at least knew without a doubt that that father must have loved his son more than anything in the whole world. Hinata’s room looked the same way it was lived in; cherished, full of love, and for a moment, Kageyama thought he could understand how Hinata had so much love inside of him that he was able to radiate it outwards and share it from within himself in abundance.

Kageyama’s room in contrast was nearly empty, blankets store bought and plain. His desk was clear of any mess apart from a desk lamp, a pencil case, and a textbook aligned perfectly parallel to the edge, and his hamper as well as any clutter were hidden away in a closet, save for a few clothes on the floor and an open textbook or two. Still, Hinata looked at the room as if he were seeing a million different wonderful things that Kageyama could not. In a way, Kageyama could almost feel it then, just by watching Hinata - he was bright like the sun, a splash of colour among a sea of monochrome, and oddly enough, Kageyama suddenly felt more at home in his own room than he ever had in his life, if only for the fact that Hinata was there in it with him.

As they sat across from each other on the carpeted floor, Kageyama watching Hinata blabber on about nothing in particular and looking around his room all starry-eyed as if he had never been happier to just be sitting on the floor of a friend’s room, Kageyama felt a strange emotion beginning to bubble up. It was an almost nostalgic feeling that took him back to his early childhood, tossing volleyballs back and forth between his grandfather and his cousin at the park under the sun, laughing just for the sake of it.

He felt… happy. Really, really happy.

Kageyama began going to bed feeling excited to wake up, excited to see Hinata, excited to spend time with him and their two cats. Hinata was always so delighted to spend time with him too, always quick to assure Kageyama that he didn’t mind the intrusion in the slightest.

“Don’t ever worry about bothering me! If you ever have something you want to say, then come say it to me, okay?” Hinata had told him one day, Kageyama looking back at him questioningly from his usual position sitting cross-legged on Hinata’s floor as he’d been bouncing Tobi’s flabby stomach back and forth in his hands. Hinata was staring down at him from his bed, kicking his feet idly back and forth as he laid on his stomach and smiled down, eyes beaming with amusement as Kageyama just blinked back at him dumbly. Even in his own bedroom, Hinata managed to be the brightest amalgamation of colour in view. “I don’t care what it is. If you feel like talking, I wanna hear it.”

Kageyama had been too taken aback to make any sort of snide quip, just stared back at him as Hinata flashed him another smile and went back to sorting through a collector’s binder full of volleyball trading cards, Shou sitting on the bed next to him and thrusting out a paw with every page flip to bat the laminated sheet coverings back and forth. Even Hinata’s hobbies outside of volleyball all seemed to connect right back to square one, Kageyama was amused to note. One of Kageyama’s songs from one of his American playlists was playing quietly in the background off of Hinata's phone; Hinata had insisted that he loved listening to Kageyama’s music, but truthfully, Kageyama wasn’t even sure how he’d come to that conclusion in the first place because he hadn’t remembered ever sharing any songs with him. But slowly over time, more and more of Kageyama's songs seemed to make their way into Hinata's own library of music from the rare times that he'd let Hinata share his earbuds, or times that he would play songs from his own phone. As the barely audible tune carried over towards him, he could still recall a translation of their lyrics, following along in his own head as he listened to Hinata quietly humming along.

_Are you bored yet;_

_What's wrong?_

_You've been asking but I don't have an answer_

_How come?_

_Feels like I've known you my whole life, I can see right through your lies_

_I don't know where we're going, but I'd like to be by your side_

_If you could tell me how you're feeling, maybe we'd get through this undefeated_

_Holding on for so long_

_'Cause we could stay at home and watch the sunset_

_But I can't help from asking, "Are you bored yet?"_

_And if you're feeling lonely you should tell me_

_Before this ends up as another memory_

_Will you tell the truth so I don't have to lie?_

_Will you tell the truth so I don't have to lie?_

Hinata had gone out of his way to make good on his promise, too. Hinata asked him questions constantly, the type that Kageyama couldn’t find it in himself to reply with only one word. Questions about his plans for when he got home, about his classes, about his day, about his past, about his dreams, about his aspirations, about what he had for breakfast that morning, anything and everything. Kageyama sometimes wondered if Hinata was building some sort of encyclopedia which covered all things Kageyama, because Hinata was never quite satisfied - he always wanted to know more, asking follow-up questions too, anything and everything he could think of to keep Kageyama talking. He always granted Kageyama his full and undivided attention, and for once, Kageyama thought that his thoughts and feelings actually _mattered._

No one had ever cared so much about what Kageyama had to say in his entire life.

Hinata was ever full of surprises, too, Kageyama had come to learn. Kageyama still didn’t know how Hinata could be both so perceptive of the smallest details and yet simultaneously so oblivious, nor did he understand how he could be both so impulsive and yet thoughtful. He took the information he learned and he applied it in ways Kageyama could never have anticipated. Things started falling into place very conveniently - almost too conveniently, like how there was always Kageyama’s favourite brand of strawberry milk in Hinata’s fridge after he had found out that Kageyama had a soft spot for it; that same favourite brand that was only found at one grocery store in their whole town, and quite a trek from Hinata’s house at that, requiring two bus transfers and a bike ride to top it all off. If asked where or how he got it, Hinata would always come up with something about how he’d needed to head over in that direction anyways to run an _errand_ \- supposedly, the same errand corresponded to however long it took Kageyama to drink that carton in its entirety, because there’d always be a new one in its place the following day once Hinata noticed the empty container in the recycling bin. Other information Hinata had learned to apply included how he seemed to be able to identify Kageyama’s moods just by looking at his face before Kageyama had even identified them himself, and then would react in turn in ways he'd begun to perfect through experience. If Kageyama was sore from practice and was wincing when he wrung out his shoulders, Hinata would run off into his kitchen and be back with an egg on toast, some hot milk, and ibuprofen. If Kageyama was grouchy from lack of sleep and he just couldn't seem to keep his eyes open, Hinata would appear unusually subdued and quiet, even allowing Kageyama to fall asleep on his bed sometimes with a knowing little smile. If Kageyama was upset from things that went on at home, shoulders tense and facial features guarded, Hinata would find ways to distract him, asking him about his houseplants or inviting him to play a few rounds of Super Smash. And that wasn’t the only surprise.

Hinata began… praising him. It could be over the most menial of things, and yet Hinata had started giving him compliments, be it on his clothes or his skills or even just… _himself_ as a person. ‘Compliments’ that Kageyama had received in the past had always been double edged. People always seemed to deem it necessary to put him down as soon as they pushed him up, be it a “sure, he’s a brilliant setter, but his personality makes him completely unbearable", or a “hm, he might be talented, but that doesn’t make him a worthwhile team member if he's impossible to stand as a person,” or even, “he’s just a tyrant. He won’t play by anyone else’s rules, so he’s not worth the investment no matter how good he is.”

The praise at first made Kageyama paranoid. He would overthink every small thing - the statements felt incomplete without a barbed insult hurled out to balance it out. It made him feel nervous. _What terrible things are you thinking about me that you’re not saying out loud?_ Kageyama would wonder. _What do you have to gain from this? What's your ulterior motive?_

There wasn’t one. The compliments kept coming, demanding nothing of him in return. At first it only covered things related to volleyball, but soon enough, the list expanded.

“Wow, Kageyama, that was a really strong set, it felt great to spike! You really are amazing!” Hinata would throw out into conversation like it was nothing.

“I love spiking your tosses the most, Kageyama! The game’s not the same without you. Hurry up and get back on the court soon, okay?” Hinata would trill out with a grin when they’d sat on the bench together for a breather during a practice game while their teammates had substituted for them. It was a grin that Kageyama had tried and strained to find any malice behind, but could not.

“That was a great play you came up with! It’s because of you that we managed to get such a solid kill. You’re actually pretty smart, you know?” Hinata would say with a slap on Kageyama’s shoulder, leaving his hand there and rubbing it for a whole extra second or three before going back to his business.

There were even just little simple compliments tossed out here and there, things like "wow, Kageyama, you're actually a pretty cool guy, did you know that?" Or "you know, you're not so bad after all! You can be a pretty big softie sometimes, huh?" Or even "see, the cats adore you! Even if you're a grump, they can still tell that you're good."

It was the last one of all of them that managed to leave Kageyama stupefied.

_I’m... good?_

Kageyama had never been praised like that before. Truth be told, he didn’t even know how to react at first. Nobody had ever-- He wasn’t... No one had ever wanted to--...

He couldn’t even really process the thought.

_Nobody has ever been able to find anything good or worthwhile in me before. I thought… I thought there was nothing left._

Kageyama didn’t know what to do with the feelings that would nearly choke him when Hinata praised him. For the very first time in his life, Kageyama felt… _wanted_. Kageyama had never been wanted by _anyone_ before. 

Truthfully, it had made him pause, too. Hinata was--... he was just so _direct_ , but it was different from the way that Kageyama was. Kageyama could still hear the words of his teammates echoing inside of his head;

_“He’s just impossible to be around. We can’t take it anymore.”_

Kageyama had never considered how it was that he was supposed to express himself without hurting another person’s feelings. He had never even really given much consideration to how the things he said would affect other people at all. 

But then he met Hinata, and suddenly everything changed. Beyond just wanting to not say things that would hurt others unnecessarily, he found himself considering a question that had never before even crossed his mind.

_How… How do I make someone else_ happy?

So it was that Kageyama began trying to reciprocate the praise. It was with a red face and a sideways glance that Kageyama approached the task of complimenting Hinata back in a substantial manner for the first time ever, something beyond just the noncommittal ‘nice job’ that he would toss out now and then. The first time he’d tried had been when Hinata had hit one of his sets quite cleanly in comparison to how he usually spiked, at least for the most part - the ball had traveled on a mostly ideal trajectory and they’d got a point from it in their practice game, although Hinata's form in the air had still been messy, and he’d jumped higher than what was honestly necessary for such a play.

_How do I go about complimenting him? What should I say?_ Kageyama found himself fidgeting when he’d approached Hinata, shuffling his feet as Hinata had looked at him inquiringly, asking with a big bright grin if Kageyama was there to tell him about how great his last spike was.

So Kageyama had stuttered out, “well, you didn't completely blow it, at least. It was sloppy but it got the job done."

_That actually went fairly well,_ is what Kageyama had thought prior to Hinata’s face falling in complete and utter disappointment, followed by him shouting back indignantly.

"What!? That spike was brilliant, what the fuck! Can't you just admit that I did good? Would it kill you to give me a compliment once in a while? Sheesh! You're impossible."

Somehow Kageyama felt his cheeks flush even harder than before. "I _was_ complimenting you, asshole!” Kageyama retorted hotly. “Fuck you! Fine, guess I'll just keep it to myself next time!" 

Hinata had just balked in response, before he eventually began to laugh, and he laughed _hard._ Kageyama just stood there wishing that the ground would swallow him up right then and there, at least until Hinata turned back to look at him, eyes alight with amusement and joy. Kageyama blinked a few times, confused by the sudden change in demeanor, even more so when Hinata ended up thanking him anyways with a big, genuine bright smile and a pat on the shoulder, before trotting off with a skip in his step.

Kageyama had bungled up the wording, but the meaning had still gotten through somehow, he was astounded to find. Walking home together later, Hinata seemed to be in an extra good mood, which somehow even improved Kageyama’s own.

But despite everything, there was still a fear inside of him. Fear of a long-buried secret hidden away under layers of denial that even he tried to forget about, hiding it from even himself.

_What if he were to find out about me? Would he hate me for it? Would he leave?_

Well, not that Kageyama ever needed to tell him. It wasn’t like it was going to come up.

...Until it did, and he was forced to come to heads with it straight on.

He’d touched Hinata one day, and worse, he’d then done it _again_ , and it was then that he'd come face to face with the nature of what was really going on.

The first instance had been when they were practicing tosses late into the evening. They’d been going at it for a while, and despite how tired they were becoming, Hinata was insistent that they’d do just one more toss, one more, _one more,_ this one would be the last one for sure - the time just seemed to keep slipping away from them as it grew later and later until the sky was completely dark, but at least Kageyama could admit that honestly, he’d been enjoying himself too. It was Kageyama who had needed to halt them then and refuse to toss any more, but the way that Hinata had looked at him then… He’d been pouting, just a bit, as if practicing spikes for two whole hours on top of their regular practice wasn’t already obnoxiously excessive. Kageyama had felt a sudden bloom of affection, almost laughing a little - Hinata was always so dedicated and passionate, and Kageyama could at least respect that he was always doing his best, even if his best was not always very good. It was an admirable trait, not that he’d ever admit that aloud.

So, without really thinking, he’d brought his hand to the side of Hinata’s head to ruffle his hair. Hinata flinched at first, before he seemed to relax. It was a gesture of affection he’d make towards the cats as well, rubbing at the soft fur on their cheeks, which they would close their eyes and lean into. Kageyama watched halfway in a daze, feeling mesmerized as Hinata had done the same, eyelids fluttering shut, that pout dissolving into a satisfied little smile. Hinata’s hair was soft too, just like cats’ fur, thick and plush and inviting, so Kageyama had shifted his fingers to run through it further, basking in the warmth. Hinata had lifted his own hand to place over top of Kageyama’s, and it was only then that Kageyama had realized what he had been doing, recoiling back in horror. He’d made up some excuse about needing to leave and run off, hand tingling long after it had parted from Hinata’s soft hair, longer still after Hinata had touched him _back_ with equally matched tenderness. It had spooked him, the way that he’d just completely bypassed any critical thought as he’d reached out to touch Hinata like that; he was so used to only ever being touched in rough and cruel ways. Kageyama didn’t know how to handle being touched back kindly.

Kageyama realized the nature of the feelings that he’d been developing one day when he and Hinata had been practicing tosses in the gym again. It was as it had been before, and in some sort of daze, he’d reached out to ruffle Hinata’s hair like he'd done previously. Hinata stiffened again for a long moment before he’d leaned into it as he always did, and Kageyama felt it again, the feeling he’d never quite known what to do with - _adoration._ His hand moved without him willing it to, stroking across Hinata’s jawline and moving carefully down onto his neck. He could feel Hinata’s pulse beating hard through his neck, involuntarily making Kageyama’s own speed up. Hinata was… he was _alive_ , and he was _there_ , standing alongside Kageyama of his own volition. Kageyama felt overcome with a barrage of feelings he couldn’t even begin to identify, as as his eyes flickered downwards, they came to rest on Hinata’s lips. He could still feel the beating of Hinata’s pulse through his fingertips, and he’d wondered in a hazy fog of thought of what other ways he would be able to feel Hinata’s life fluttering in the palms of his hands. The place of contact felt warm on Kageyama’s skin, but what would it feel like if he were to map out his body further? Hinata’s lips were parted open just the tiniest bit as he caught his breath, exhausted from their training, but then he’d seemed to sigh in contentment, breathing growing almost heady. Those soft lips appeared to be growing closer, and it was only then that Kageyama realized he’d been subconsciously _leaning in._ Before he could even take the time to register what he had been about to do, Hinata’s breath hitched in his throat and he had lifted his own hand to place over top of Kageyama’s, just like he’d done before but this time Kageyama had _understood_ , and suddenly the moment shattered around him - what was he _doing?_

Hinata had been saying something in what sounded like a playfully teasing tone, but Kageyama couldn’t hear it. He’d ripped his hand away from Hinata as if he’d been burned, forcefully stopping himself from trembling by clenching and unclenching the muscles of his hands. Hinata had just looked back at him in bewilderment as Kageyama took a step backwards, forcing his face to go blank out of a guarded habit. Kageyama could clearly see the confusion and the concern written on Hinata's face, could see Hinata start to reach out back towards him, could see his mouth moving as he called out to Kageyama worriedly, but the words sounded distant and muffled by the sound of the blood rushing into Kageyama’s ears. He did all he could think of to do and made some bullshit excuse again about needing to leave and bolted, all but running away and out of the courtyard. Once he had turned the bend and was out of Hinata’s line of sight, he’d sprinted home as fast as his legs could carry him.

Finally hidden away in his own private refuge, Kageyama could let his body shake all he wanted, his deep buried secret fluttering around in his chest like a trapped bird trying desperately to get out. No one ever needed to know. No one ever needed to know that for a split second, just one, that’s all it would have taken to irreparably screw up everything he’d had going for him--...

...He’d wanted to kiss Hinata.

_I wanted to kiss him. I wanted-- I wanted to_ touch _him. I wanted--…_

He staggered up the stairs and into the shower stall of his bathroom with all of his clothes on and turned the water on cold, jumping and gasping after the unsettling pause it took for the water to rise to the top of the shower head and drench him. He braced himself against the walls with his hands before he half slid down, half fell into a crumpled up sitting position.

This couldn’t be happening. What was he _thinking_ \- how could he have just _done_ that? He'd been leaning in like he'd been about to kiss him; what if Hinata hadn’t interrupted him in time?

It was too much to even think about, but any warmth that had begun to pool in his stomach had been washed away by the cascade of icy water. Kageyama began to shiver, wet clothes sticking to his skin. He busied himself peeling them away, focusing his mind instead on the noise of the water hitting the shower floor and the feeling of the fabric breaking suction against his skin. Slowly, he started to feel a bit better, so he tossed his wet clothes out and onto the floor and turned the water from cold to hot.

The sudden change in temperature stung bitterly, but Kageyama welcomed it. He caught his breath, stood up, and rotated his shoulder cuffs in place before he began to wash his hair and soap himself up.

Maybe it had just been a fluke - maybe he was just horny? He could admit that Hinata was… well, he was a cute boy, not that he was ever going to tell him that. He was sweet and kind with big eyes and soft cheeks, and he had a face that made Kageyama think of sunflowers. He was small all over with little hands and thin arms and a waist that Kageyama could probably wrap both of his hands around and almost be able to have his fingertips meet. Hinata was adorably small yet so self-conscious of his height despite the fact that Kageyama thought his size was absolutely _per--_

Kageyama shook his head suddenly, banishing that sentiment mid-thought right to the darkest depths of his brain.

Never mind that. 

Despite everything, Kageyama couldn’t deny when he was forced to think about it head-on like this, that he was--… he couldn’t even really finish the thought. He’d tried to dismiss and eradicate the very idea, he’d tried to convince himself otherwise, but the fact of the matter no matter from what direction he looked at it was that he was still a… a _boy who liked boys,_ no matter how hard he tried to deny this aspect of himself.

He couldn’t make that fact go away no matter how hard he’d tried to ignore it, no matter how hard he’d tried to hide it away from not just the world but even from himself, opting to never think about it at all. He’d hoped that maybe he’d grow out of it, or that it would just go away if he pretended that it didn’t exist.

Maybe he needed to spend more time at night jacking off rather than exclusively coming up with new plays. He needn’t necessarily think of anything or fantasize while he was doing it - the motion should have been just enough on its own. He felt better with a plan of action, so after rinsing off, Kageyama turned off the water and stepped outside into the fog of the bathroom, throwing his clothes in the washing machine before heading to his room to put his new plan into motion.

The plan did not work. It did not work at _all,_ and in all honesty made everything infinitely worse when no matter what he did, Hinata’s face would conjure itself up in Kageyama's mind as he did it. Even if he could stave off the images, his brain always would involuntarily flicker back to him at the point of release. He’d be lying there in a pool of his own mess, staring at the ceiling in horror.

It-- it didn’t mean anything. It _couldn’t._ Hinata was Kageyama’s first real friend, and that’s all it was; they were just really close, nothing more. Kageyama was just-- he was just confused. It was new territory for him to have opened up at all to another human being at all, to have a _friend_ for the very first time - it made sense that he’d be a bit discombobulated. There was nothing more to it, just a fluke indeed.

It probably wasn’t even a Hinata thing, either. It was probably just a byproduct from repressing himself - that had to be it.

Even though he’d tried to reassure himself, Kageyama began to have trouble making eye contact with Hinata at all, especially following those nights where he’d try and fail to let off some steam. He just-- how could he even look at him after doing something like that? Hinata was his _friend._ What was worse was that Hinata was an extremely physical person, constantly seeming to need to be touching people, whether it was a slap on the back, or knees touching at lunch, or kicking his feet up to put in someone’s lap when he was reclining. And of course, this extended to Kageyama.

So maybe Kageyama was horny for Hinata, whatever, it didn’t mean anything. He was attractive and just so happened to be just Kageyama's type (not that he'd even been aware he had one to begin with), so what? Kageyama could work around it. It wasn't like he needed to act on it or anything, and it would probably just go away on its own if left alone.

He had a dream one night that Hinata came out to him. “I like men,” dream Hinata had said. Somehow that had been some sort of confession for a lot of things that had been left unsaid, and in that dream, they’d kissed. For the duration of the dream, everything had been perfect. They rented an apartment, picked out furniture together, shared a king sized bed with their cats.

He’d awoken to cold hard reality and had never felt worse to have woken up.

_I’m so disgusting._

Going forward, Kageyama began to search for evidence that Hinata could potentially be into guys, even against his better discretion - that he could be _available_ , before he’d adamantly berate himself for it. He wasn’t supposed to like men. He didn’t. He _couldn’t._

...Could he?

Kageyama took a very long moment to consider this. In the days going forward, he found that he just couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Was it really so bad to want a relationship with another man? It’s not like it had to be Hinata at all, either. Was that truly _wrong?_

The more he thought about it, the more he realized that instead of being a hard ‘ _yes, it’s wrong’,_ he didn’t really have much of an answer to his own question at all.

A night of internet research was eye-opening, but still somehow left Kageyama even more confused than he’d already been, but as the days went by, he maybe even thought (to his own complete and utter shock) that his answer might be leaning in the opposite direction.

Still, no matter the answer, that didn't mean that Kageyama even necessarily stood a chance at all either way. Even if Hinata did miraculously like guys, it didn’t mean anything, so _why_ was he thinking about it so much if nothing was going to come of it either way? 

Hinata was always touchy feely with him, but then again, he was like that with everyone. He’d started complimenting Kageyama more often, but he did that with literally every single other one of his friends - just because he’d been doing it with Kageyama didn’t mean anything special. Every point that he could find that might imply that Hinata could share his feelings was easy to refute, and as time continued to pass, he began to feel a bit put out.

Still, when Hinata made excuses to touch him at every turn, Kageyama found that it was getting harder and harder to force himself to pull away.

Then… weeks later, it had been Kageyama’s birthday.

Hinata had taken Kageyama into his room after a celebratory dinner with the team - he’d come just to visit the cats, but Hinata appeared to have an ulterior motive, because he had been jumpy all evening. It was there that Hinata had presented him with a birthday gift that he’d shyly pulled out from behind his back and held out to Kageyama with an expression full of earnestness and hope. In his hands he held a baby sunflower seedling, planted right in the centre of a tiny terracotta pot with a poorly painted little sun on the side. Peering in at the dirt, it looked like some sort of compost blend, and Kageyama could see what looked like little finely crumbled up fragments of eggshell scattered about in the soil for enrichment, along with several little bulbs of perlite dotting the surface. It had just sprouted, barely having come out of its shell yet but green just the same, with half of a shell shard still hanging off of one of its two leaves.

A _sunflower._

Hinata had been rambling on about something, but Kageyama had missed most of it. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the sprout and the little acrylic sun that looked like it had been painted on by a four year old, and when he was finally able to lift his gaze, it caught on Hinata’s face. He’d distantly heard Hinata saying something about the sunflower being there to cheer him up and to smile at Kageyama when Hinata couldn’t.

_What if I want it to always be you - no, what if I want it to_ only _be you who smiles at me?_

No matter how he looked at it - Hinata had learned of Kageyama’s embarrassing hobby, and he’d taken that information and used it to give him a pointed and thoughtful gift full of unspoken meaning. It wasn’t like those faceless aunts and uncles who sent him socks in the mail for what doubled as Christmas and his birthday since the dates were so close together. Hinata had actually invested his own time into doing research and finding all of the necessary materials to bring his idea to fruition.

Looking at Hinata's face, he was clearly growing uneasy with how long Kageyama had just been… staring. Hinata continued to blabber on to fill the silence, a nervous habit of his, because he always seemed to think that any amount of time that Kageyama used to think always meant that Kageyama was upset with him. Despite how crestfallen he was beginning to look, all Kageyama could see when he looked at the tiny sunflower sprout was Hinata’s beautiful, smiling face.

_Am I… am I even allowed to look at him this way?_

So Kageyama accepted the gift with what he hoped would be a comment dry enough to salvage his dignity, making some jab about how Hinata would probably just kill the plant if Kageyama were to leave it with him. He hoped that Hinata wouldn’t pick up on just how much the gift meant to him, and how much he _adored_ it, because there it was again, the _adoration_ that left him stumped and reeling. Kageyama almost didn’t think he’d ever seen Hinata look so overjoyed. Suddenly, Hinata had surged forward to hug him, and all of Kageyama's thoughts came to a standstill.

The earth felt like it had stopped turning underneath him, and time slowed down. Hinata had buried his face into Kageyama’s chest, and he could feel the tips of those fluffy locks that flew out in all directions atop Hinata’s head tickling him under the chin. Kageyama took a deep breath in, unintentionally inhaling Hinata’s scent - it was a soft little note, clean and simple with a hint of brown sugar or vanilla, just some faint little remnant from some type of shampoo or soap that Hinata used. Hinata started pulling away, leading Kageyama to internally panic. He didn’t want the moment to end so soon, even if he didn’t even really know _why_ , so he did the only thing he could think of and quickly pulled Hinata back into his arms, settling his cheek in against that fluffy, soft hair, softer than anything he’d ever felt before. He felt his whole body inadvertently relax when Hinata gripped him tighter after a pause.

_The fact that I get to be his friend at all is more than enough._

Kageyama could probably count the number of times he’d been held like this on one hand, and half of those had been Hinata making attempts to give him hugs that he’d always been quick to shove off. He’d never known--... he’d never known how good it could feel to be held so _gently_. Hinata was solid in his arms and pleasantly warm, and contrary to what he would have expected, Kageyama felt his frantically beating heart begin to slow down and relax. He didn’t know how long he’d been holding Hinata, but Kageyama came to his senses abruptly and pulled back. Kageyama knew that his face must be red as he looked wearily back at Hinata, clearing his throat and placing the plant down on Hinata’s dresser, preparing a quip that he held at the ready on his tongue in case Hinata made some sort of wisecrack.

He did not. He just smiled a knowing little smile and beckoned him to come with him downstairs to play some Super Smash downstairs in the living room. Kageyama eyed the plant longingly, which Hinata seemed to notice.

Kageyama didn’t like the look that Hinata gave him sometimes - it was like he was reading him like a book, and it made him nervous. Hinata looked up at him and then back to the plant, before picking it up to bring with them downstairs, placing it on the desk table where it could ‘watch’.

Of course he would notice Kageyama’s hesitation about leaving the plant, Hinata was a shockingly perceptive bastard, at least when it came to Kageyama. Hinata didn’t always draw the correct conclusions when he made his observations, but usually he still wouldn’t be too far off the mark. He _knew_ Kageyama had abandonment issues to some extent, and he’d clearly deduced that he’d bonded with that stupid little plant like it was a living creature and did not want to leave it on its own. 

So the five of them all settled down for the rest of the evening - Hinata, Kageyama, Shou and Tobi, and the sunflower that was just beginning to blossom into life, nurtured kindly under Hinata’s loving hands.

_I hope you’ll let me stay here forever,_ Kageyama thought in not quite so many words with a sideways glance. Hinata met his gaze and smiled right back as if he were giving the affirmation right then and there, and Kageyama couldn’t stop the corners of his mouth from tugging up, just the slightest bit.

_Please, would you be the one who lets me stay this time around?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song recommendation this time is “Are you bored yet?” by Wallows. If you’ve got some free time, I recommend a listen!
> 
> It’s my hope that you could read this story next to the last one and just be sitting there thinking, a-ha! Maybe it’ll make you notice certain one-offs in the previous one in different ways than you had on the first read-through, in case there’s one or two people out there who would go back and look. This chapter corresponds to chapter six of the last one. I had already started planning this story in the midst of the previous, so if everything has worked out, they should be intrinsically linked. :) Then again, as the writer I’m pretty sure that I’m the only one scrutinizing these two stories that hard. |D
> 
> Writing Kageyama is lots of fun just because of how damn reflective he is. He’s always going through such complicated emotions, and just feels things so so deeply compared to Hinata. Writing Hinata was great because he's just so simple and natural and flows out of my brain really well, but Kageyama lets me really get into some deep corners of his psyche.
> 
> Fact that may or may not be some sort of spoiler if you have not read the previous story yet: After Kageyama goes home after an afternoon spent napping on Hinata’s bed, Hinata goes and rolls in it like a cat in catnip. “Smells nice,” is what Hinata thinks. He sleeps very well later when he goes to bed.
> 
> (Also coughcoughcough don’t mind me sitting here being really proud of my seedling symbolism with the sprout and the shell shard still being there as a representation of Kageyama still having that hard outer guard because he’s still worried about opening up completely coughcoughcough let me just have this one proud moment it literally never happens where I’m actually proud like this coughcoughcoughWHEEZE)
> 
> Seeya guys Saturday morning!


	4. Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kageyama has a revelation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the longest yet (at least until the next story lol… you’ll see!) at over 9K, so maybe plan to read it sitting down? Happy Saturday! Hope you enjoy it! <3

\- ♠️ -

Love

“I used to be alone a lot before I met you, did you know that?”

Kageyama startled, looking over towards where Hinata was laying on his back on his bed on the other side of the room with his head dangling over the edge to stare at him, looking terribly ridiculous with Tobi the cat hunkering down on his chest. Kageyama met his upside down eyes in bewilderment.

“Huh?”

“Well, maybe not alone quite like you. I mean, at least I actually had friends-- err, no offense.” Hinata backtracked as Kageyama glared daggers into him. Kageyama was just staring back stupefied - it had been the kind of statement that Kageyama would expect to be bouncing around in his own brain about _himself._ It was like Hinata had plucked the thought right out from his head. Hinata continued when Kageyama didn’t speak, always a nervous habit of his to ramble to fill any silence. “But like… it was different, in a way. My friends would play volleyball with me to humour me, but they weren’t into it like I was. Then I met you.”

Kageyama investigated a hangnail on his own finger. “And?”

_Why are you telling me this?_

“What do you mean, ‘and?' I’m just saying I think we get along really well! You and me make a great team, Yamayama!”

“Gross.” Kageyama scoffed, screwing his face up in distaste over the nickname. “Since when are you one to get all sappy? Are you sick or something?” Despite his cold tone, Kageyama’s mouth twitched upwards against his will.

“Hey! Don’t be mean just because you’re flustered! I _see_ you smiling over there, Kageyama, you can't hide from me.”

“I’m not smiling, dumbass, fuck off.”

“Oh, yeah, and I’m a six foot tall behemoth," Hinata deadpanned. "Look, all I meant by it was that I’m glad we got around to being friends. Why is that so outrageous? Come on, it’s not that hard, dummy!”

_Well, me too. Being your friend is the best thing that's ever happened to me,_ is what Kageyama did not say out loud. Instead he fell back on his usual defense of a barbed retort. “Is this what you end up thinking about instead of volleyball? No wonder your receives are even worse than usual lately. And that’s saying something, because they’re already terrible.”

Hinata just leveled Kageyama with an exasperated glance, not falling for the bait for an argument, much to Kageyama’s surprise. “You know, Kageyama, I think you could stand to think about volleyball a little bit _less_. And _that’s_ saying something, because somehow, you think about it even more than _me_.”

Kageyama’s mouth suddenly ran dry. He _knew_ that Hinata was comparing the amount that they both thought of volleyball to the other’s, but the phrasing of the statement made Kageyama almost start forward. 

_"You think about volleyball more than me."_

Hinata hadn’t meant it like that, but it didn’t stop Kageyama’s brain from pursuing the idea.

_Is that even true anymore?_

Kageyama blinked, trying to clear the very idea of it from his head, but it was not quick to dissipate. At some point, thoughts of volleyball and thoughts of Hinata had become so intertwined that Kageyama really couldn't think of one without the other anymore. Ever since he'd met Hinata again on their first day at Karasuno, Kageyama's passion for volleyball had bloomed and grown in way that was entirely different than how it had been before, and while it was true that the reawakened passion was centred from within himself in the end, there was only one person he could thank for that revelation; a person who occupied his mind and his thoughts at every turn, a person who had become such an integral part of who he was now that Kageyama couldn't help but be reminded of him in every facet of his existence, a person who had extended a kind hand and shown Kageyama what it meant to live for himself and be a human being again.

_You have no idea how much I think about you. You have no idea at all._

Part of Kageyama still held on to the ambiguity of the wording, no matter how much he told himself to drop it. He adamantly scolded himself for getting carried away, forcing himself to banish the thoughts to the back of his head.

“Woah! Why is your face so scary all of the sudden? Yeesh, who shat in _your_ yogurt?”

“My face isn’t scary, asshole, this is how I always look! Your _personality_ is what’s scary!” Kageyama retorted, face feeling hot. "Seriously, what's with you? You say the stupidest shit sometimes."

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” Hinata groaned, wiping his hand down his face before he rolled over onto his stomach to look at Kageyama more clearly, Tobi rocking back and forth precariously from his perch until he melted off and onto the comforter next to Hinata as Hinata's muscles shifted. “I didn’t mean anything _weird_ by it! It's a _compliment_ , you know, one of those things you're supposed to come back with, 'wow, _thank you_ oh wonderful and glorious best friend of mine, what a _delightful_ thing for you to say, I like hanging out with you too!' But _no_ , you just _have_ to be a brat about it. Seriously, Kageyama, you're such a pain! Can't you just accept a damn compliment for once in your life?" Hinata tossed back, but his mouth was also twitching like he was trying hard not to laugh.

Kageyama knew he was pouting but he couldn't stop himself. "I don't sound like that at all! You do the worst impressions of me ever," Kageyama muttered grumpily, but Hinata just grinned right back, not put off in the least.

_He knows I'm embarrassed. He knows, he's just pretending to be offended to save face for me. When did he get to know me so well?_

Despite everything and ignoring the protests of the nervous part of him that had seemed to be growing smaller with every day that passed, Kageyama couldn't help but smile.

Hinata took the beat of silence to change to subject to what surprisingly appeared to be one of his favourite topics to bring up, not out of malice or contempt, but rather out of genuine _interest_. "Just shut up and tell me about your garden instead, you big grump! How’s our sunflower? Is he blooming yet?”

_Our_ sunflower.

Hinata didn't understand literally anything about plants, and in all other contexts, they didn't even seem to cross his mind whatsoever, and yet--... and yet it was as if because plants mattered to Kageyama, they mattered to Hinata. Kageyama could feel his embarrassment dialing up to a ten, especially with the way Hinata was smiling so knowingly at him, so it was with a sideways glance that he hurled back a grouchy retort that didn’t sound nearly as ornery as Kageyama would have liked.

"It’s not _my_ garden, idiot! It’s not even a garden at all. They’re just some plants that _happen_ to be in my kitchen, that I _happen_ to water. How many times do I have to tell you that, dumbass?” Kageyama groaned, hiding his face behind a hand because he just _knew_ his cheeks had to be turning red by now. He was still stuck on what Hinata had said before. _Our sunflower. He called it_ our _sunflower._ “And _no,_ it's not blooming. Seriously, it _just_ sprouted. It's gonna be a while."

“Aww.” Hinata pouted, not phased by Kageyama’s prickly grumbling at all. Kageyama’s heart leapt into his throat. _He is just too stupidly cute and I am going to die._ “You’re gonna keep me updated though, right? I expect pictures every Friday by eight P.M! You got that?”

“Did you just... give me _homework?_ ” Kageyama asked, voice flat, pointedly banishing his ringaround thought train into the back of his head alongside all of the other weird and uncomfortable thoughts about Hinata that he'd been having lately that seemed to be popping up more and more frequently as the weeks went by.

Hinata just wiggled his eyebrows up and down. “I sure did! I mean it though, I really do wanna see, okay? Don’t keep me waiting, Kageyama!” Hinata trilled in a sing-song voice with a wink.

Oh, Kageyama was _so_ fucked.

Worse yet, the signals were getting mixed; both the ones he was trying to send off as well as the ones that were coming in from Hinata's end.

There were times where Kageyama really, truly thought that he might actually have a chance, and he’d feel the hope bubbling up inside himself unhindered and undaunted. In such cases, Kageyama would even feel so emboldened as to drop hints and be forward in ways he'd never expected of himself, teasing Hinata just to gauge his reactions.

Then there were the times where that hope was ruthlessly refuted. Despite it all, Hinata remained blissfully unaware of the turmoil that had begun to torment Kageyama’s thoughts at every turn. Kageyama wasn't sure if Hinata was too oblivious to catch on to the hints, or if he was politely trying to reject him without hurting Kageyama's feelings.

At the end of the day, it was just a little crush - it was fine, it would go away. Still, when those moments of hope would arise, banishing said crush into the darkest depths of his mind seemed to be nullified as a priority altogether.

Worst of all, crush or no crush, Kageyama had come to realize that the vacancy of touch throughout his life had accumulated and festered in a way he’d been previously unaware of. He’d never known what the solution to the unidentifiable feeling was, not until he’d come face to face with it head on; Kageyama was completely and irrefutably _touch-starved_ , and Hinata was his first drink of fresh water since as far back as he could remember amongst an ocean of salt. He’d tried at first to distance himself from Hinata the more the feelings plagued him, but it had been short lived. Like a pair of lungs needed air, his body needed touch, and Hinata gave it freely, always happy to brush their knees together or give him a fond slap on the back. Still, it wasn’t enough. Kageyama wanted _more._ Beyond just _being_ touched, Kageyama had found himself facing off against a strange desire to touch Hinata back more and more.

And yet, it wasn’t something he could just _ask_ for, especially after he’d already pushed Hinata away so many times before. Hinata never seemed to quite know how to react when Kageyama would initiate physical contact either, always seeming to assume that Kageyama was attacking him. He’d leap and flinch back in most cases and a terribly conflicted look would come over his face as if he couldn’t decide whether or not to reach back when Kageyama would draw himself back in dismay. If Kageyama were to leave a lingering touch, Hinata would stiffen first before seeming to have to force himself to relax.

He couldn’t exactly blame Hinata for such a reaction when it was true that Kageyama reached out only to smack Hinata on the head or push him around more often than not. The gestures had at some point long ago become more for show than outright distaste, but clearly, Hinata seemed to be _uncomfortable_ in some capacity.

Kageyama had seen it once too when he’d reached out to touch Hinata’s arm one time to get his attention; he’d watched as the hairs on Hinata’s arms all stood on end and the expanse of skin became raised with goosebumps. Truthfully, he didn’t really know how else to interpret such a reaction except as _discomfort,_ but then again, Hinata still touched Kageyama at every given opportunity - it was just when the gamut was reversed that Hinata would freeze up and his face would flush with what Kageyama figured could only be terror. It had to be terror, right? What else could it be?

Exhibit A of such a mixed signal came up repeatedly when Kageyama was over at Hinata’s house, some month and a half after Hinata had taken in the kittens. Kageyama adored his cats, and they, just like Hinata, were always happy to give out affection freely and without consequence. It wasn’t the same as human contact, nor the even higher tier of contact with Hinata, but cuddles were cuddles, and he was always happy to offer up his lap to Shou and Tobi. Shou especially took after his namesake and was incredibly affectionate, crying up at Kageyama until he’d sit down and pull out his lap, the kitten's absolute favourite place to be, and secretly, one of Kageyama’s favourite places to be too.

What was interesting was the way that Hinata would _glare_ at them when he and Shou were sitting together. At first, it had made Kageyama feel defensive, like he had been doing something wrong, but the more that he observed Hinata, the more the pieces of the puzzle started aligning into an entirely different picture.

The first time he’d noticed it, Kageyama had been ruffling the fur on Shou’s cheek, the kitten craning his neck forward in delight to elicit more and more scratches. Then he’d looked up to find Hinata staring from his position on his own bed right down at Kageyama’s hands. Hinata was watching so closely, so intently - Kageyama had been halfway about to open his mouth to make some biting comment, but he stopped short when Hinata had lifted his hand to his own cheek, absentmindedly rubbing it, too distracted to even realize that Kageyama had been watching. Curious, Kageyama moved his hand off of Shou’s cheek to rub him behind the ear, the little kitten purring his heart out happily. Kageyama watched enthralled as Hinata almost hypnotically moved his hand from off of his cheek and began itching himself behind the ear. And that wasn’t the only time it had happened, either. It happened literally _all the time;_ Kageyama would be petting the cats in his lap, and Hinata would stare at them like he’d been personally _wronged._ Hinata would catch Kageyama staring back on occasion, making Kageyama feel like he’d been caught doing something bad, and yet-- and yet it was _Hinata_ who would whip his head away in embarrassment with a flush to his cheeks, as if _Hinata_ were the one who was abashed.

Could it be that… that he was _jealous?_ But that didn’t make sense, did it? Wasn’t… didn’t Hinata feel nervous when Kageyama touched him?

Or maybe…?

It was then that Kageyama finally realized what was actually going on.

He’d watched Hinata more and more until he could affirm it with a high degree of certainty. Oh, it was just too good not to tease him about it.

So, he couldn’t help but rub his findings right in Hinata’s face, unable to hide his self-satisfaction over his little discovery. "You're jealous," he'd said simply, Hinata whipping around to face him like Kageyama had caught his hand in a cookie jar, and all of Kageyama’s speculations were confirmed right then and there just from that expression alone. Fascinatingly enough, drawing attention to said discovery had made Hinata’s cheeks light up pink in the most delightful way possible as he’d stuttered to defend himself and his habit of staring, muttering about how Kageyama was so nice to the cats but not _him_. 

This made Kageyama pause for a long moment. All along, Hinata had actually _wanted_ Kageyama to touch him - he hadn’t been scared or nervous at all, at least not really; he’d been _flustered._ Kageyama could hardly even believe it, and even more astonishing was the related revelation where he realized that he _didn’t have to hold himself back anymore._

Of all of the things to come out of such a situation, Kageyama had been impressed by his own gall when he’d made the decision to drag Hinata off of his bed and pull his head into his lap to start stroking him like a cat. Hinata had screamed at first, nervous when being faced with Kageyama touching him kindly instead of his usual trick of smacking Hinata on the back of the head, but upon realizing that Kageyama was not in fact about to murder him, his face had lit up like Christmas and his eyes grew starry and round like little saucers. And oh, the look on his face - he’d been so delighted as Kageyama just worked his fingers through his hair, nuzzling right up and into his hands, closing his eyes and leaning into it like he just couldn’t get enough, and Kageyama could still hardly believe that he’d actually been _right._

With nothing much else to do than just observe, Kageyama felt overcome with fascination, watching how every stroke of his fingers seemed to make Hinata melt further into his lap, his chest rising and falling slower and slower like he was verging on the borders of falling asleep. He felt solid and warm in Kageyama's lap and his hair was just so _soft_ , and as Kageyama’s hands had traveled lower towards his jaw bone, Hinata seemed to subconsciously tilt his head to the side to allow Kageyama better access.

_This_ was the touch he had been craving, _and yet--..._

Staring down at Hinata’s neck, he felt some strange sort of feeling building up inside of him. It was similar to the feeling from before, but stronger and heavier in a way that Kageyama didn't really understand, settling low and hot in his stomach and making his chest feel tight. It almost felt familiar somehow, but he'd never quite felt the feeling so strongly. Curious and intrigued, Kageyama moved his fingers down lower and lower, lightly tracing his fingernails across the delicate skin underneath Hinata's jaw and watching as little white lines trailed the wake of his fingertips. Hinata’s skin was so soft and pliant, and Kageyama found himself facing off against a very strange _new_ thought; for whatever reason, he wanted to drag his teeth and tongue along the length of Hinata’s neck following the same path that his fingers were travelling. What would it taste like, he wondered? Would Hinata tilt his head back and expose his neck to Kageyama in the same way he was offering himself up to his fingers? Licking his lips, Kageyama trailed his hands further down the length of Hinata’s neck, but then right as his fingers met his pulse point, Hinata had moaned.

He’d _moaned_ , and the sound had pierced Kageyama in the heart in both the best and the worst possible way. It had snapped them both out of their reverie, Hinata glancing up hesitantly to meet Kageyama’s eyes.

_What… What the hell was I just thinking about doing to him?_

Kageyama was almost terrified that Hinata had read his mind when he spoke up again. "Why are you looking at me like that?” Hinata asked nervously. “Do I have something on my face?" 

Kageyama began to flounder in response when he realized that he’d just been staring at Hinata with his mouth gaping open like a fish. "I'm just taking a good long look at how stupid your face looks right now. Which is _very._ Uh, stupid. You're stupid."

_What the fuck was that?!_ Kageyama kicked himself inside his own mind, and then kicked himself again for good measure. _That’s all I have to say? God damn it, for fucks sake--..._ Kageyama took a deep breath and gulped, doing his best to stuff it all down. It was-- it was just supposed to be an innocent situation, a kind sort of gesture, and yet he--...

_I wanted to mark him with my teeth. I wanted--... What is_ wrong _with me--_

Hinata surged forward and away from him suddenly, doing his best to flash back a great big beaming smile as Kageyama just sat there, stunned, hands still raised above the spot that Hinata had been laying before. And Kageyama--

Kageyama _really_ didn’t know what was going on anymore.

"That felt great!" Hinata chirped back at him, smiling brightly. "Thanks for the head massage, Kageyama!"

Kageyama just stared back dumbly for a long moment before he growled back, "yeah, well, don't get used to it." But somehow, the sharp words sounded softened on his tongue when he forced them out and into the air.

_I want-- I want to touch him more. I want my hands on him. I want--..._

He wanted something that he could not have, and yet...

From there on, he’d been unable to stop himself from reaching out to Hinata with every opportunity that was granted. The once suffocating nervousness which warned him to keep his distance and the anxiety that used to plague him at every turn had diminished in size to the point that Kageyama barely even recognized it was there at all anymore. It was just so easy to ignore, and Kageyama did exactly that. Despite that hesitant part of him screaming at him in ardence to _listen_ , ringing its alarm bells at top volume in protest, Kageyama could not stop himself, especially when Hinata was ever open and welcoming to these advances. He reached right back towards Kageyama in earnest, always so careful to move slowly, watching Kageyama’s reception with eyes filled with intrigue for any signs of discomfort - even with how much he craved the touch, Kageyama still became overstimulated easily, but his tolerance was growing quickly with time. It was no longer a forced effort to make himself be pliant under Hinata’s fingertips - Kageyama welcomed it wholeheartedly. _Touch me more,_ he’d think before forcing himself to school his expression lest Hinata take note of the desperation in his eyes. _Don’t stop, keep going,_ he’d think when it always seemed that Hinata pulled back far too soon. 

Kageyama felt he could understand the language that they shared with their cats, and could then take it in its turn and speak it right back to Hinata. He understood their cats’ feelings when they would look at him and Hinata and close their eyes slowly, fully trusting that the boys would be gentle and respectful towards them as they let their guard down completely. _Do what you will with me,_ they would say with their eyes, _because I know you will only ever touch me kindly._

Looking back at Hinata, Kageyama knew it just as well.

To say it out loud - _I will allow you to touch the most delicate and hidden parts of me, and I will allow you to hold me because I trust that you will keep me safe; so please, be gentle and be kind_ \- well, it was not a sentiment that Kageyama would ever or even could ever say to Hinata aloud, but somewhere deep down, he felt that Hinata knew.

But despite everything he’d come to learn, Kageyama still couldn’t determine where on the spectrum Hinata’s feelings towards him were falling. Hinata was so gentle with him, but he was a gentle person in of himself. It didn’t _mean_ anything. Kageyama wasn't sure if his signals even registered to be of any significance to Hinata whatsoever.

Still, Kageyama sought out the touch, and as always, Hinata had everything to give.

Exhibit B of the mixed signals came when Kageyama was in the thick of a crisis.

His dad had come home, and as usual, they’d fought late into the night. It was the usual gamut; Kageyama-san would yell about Kageyama’s grades, yell about his future and how if he wanted a life at all after high school he’d either go to economics school or be out on the street, yell about the fact that he was still playing volleyball, he’d snarl about what a worthless waste of space Kageyama was and call him a slur or ten - truthfully, Kageyama thought it was all getting old. His mother would watch for a while, staring at her feet and making a quick comment here and there, mediating the situation poorly while trying to stay out of it. The sharp words still hurt, but the sting eased off when Kageyama was able to recall that even if the whole world hated him, there was one person who would always be on his side. And in the thick of that argument, he’d smiled.

Kageyama’s father had called him out on it immediately. “And what do _you_ have to be smiling about?” He’d spat.

So Kageyama had told him, because why the hell not? What more did he have to lose?

“I have people in my life who actually care about me now. That’s more than what I can say for you,” he bit back. “You care more about appearances and your own reputation than your own son, so why should I care what you say?”

Kageyama’s mother wouldn’t meet his eyes, but his father felt no such shame.

“Oh really? Appearances, huh?” He purred, voice dangerously low, and Kageyama inadvertently gulped. “And you trust these people? Or is it a _person?_ ”

“I do,” Kageyama stated firmly, and yet he was still unable to help the tremor in his voice.

_“Does he know?”_

Kageyama went still, his breath catching in his throat as he stared back, stomach dropping out.

Without being told, he’d figured it out.

“Aha,” Kageyama-san whispered mockingly, “ _there_ it is. So you have your own appearances too, and yet you’re standing there atop your little _king’s throne, preaching_ to me as if you’re not _exactly the same?_ ”

_Guess I take after you,_ is what Kageyama couldn’t find it in himself to say out loud. “I--... I’m--” He stammered.

“Oh, shut up!” His father drawled, sneering at him as he stepped closer. Kageyama shifted back until his back was to the kitchen counter, wincing as his father got right up in his face, his breath foul and choked with the smell of residual alcohol as he breathed hot right down Kageyama’s neck, fisting a hand up under the collar of Kageyama’s shirt to lift him onto his toes. Kageyama had always prided himself on his height, yet his father still seemed to tower over him, even if the difference between them was only about three inches. “It’s written all over your disgusting fucking face. How quick do you think he would be to leave you once he knows? Disgraceful. The only version of you that he can stand is the shallowest version of you that there is. Why am I not surprised? If he _really_ knew you, if he _knew_ about all of the disgusting shit you’ve been hiding, he’d come to his senses just like everyone else ever has. Or have you forgotten what happened back at Kitagawa?”

Kageyama felt sick, but he still felt the defiance within himself come alive at the challenge. “That’s not true,” he flashed back, but his voice sounded weak to his own ears. “He’s not like that. He's… he's different.”

Kageyama couldn’t help the fear which was freezing the tips of his fingers and making it feel like there was a trapped animal ravenously clawing at the inner lining of his stomach. There was very little left that his father could do to him that somebody else or even Kageyama himself hadn’t already done to himself, but it wasn’t just the one, singular confrontation presently occurring that weighed so heavy on his shoulders. It was all of them, it was everything his father had put him through throughout the entirety of his life, every put-down, every razor-edged comment, every dismissal, the punishments where he’d call the school to suspend him from club activities, the unnecessary therapy his teachers would hunt him down for to force him to go, it was the fact that he’d had to hide time and time again inside empty corridors and behind shelves in the library because his father would make sure there was no one left on his side and that he’d be hunted down at every turn, forcing him to hide both his body as well as his mind, it was the fact that he’d spent his whole life terrified to go home because there was no refuge to be found there, terrified to exist out in the open at all - it was every thrown punch, six total on the tally, it was the volleyball his grandfather had given him that his father had scored open with a knife and thrown into the trash right after he’d fucking _died_ , it was getting hit in turn for crying as he’d fished it out of the garbage and tried to tape it back up, it was everything that his father had taken from him and destroyed, it was the fact that the person in his life who was supposed to build him up the most had only ever torn him down, it was going to bed knowing that he’d have to face it all over again the very next day, the fear of never knowing on which days he’d go home to find his father waiting for him right at the door, never quite sure what would be the final straw where they’d have no other choice but to fight until one of them _broke_ \- it was a lifetime’s worth of bitterness that Kageyama could not escape, and he’d had no choice but to absorb it all and carry it heavy with every step he took. Kageyama knew where he had inherited his stubbornness from, but he still could not hold a candle to its source.

Kageyama chanced a glance at his mother, but she still wouldn’t meet his eyes, so he cast his eyes coldly back to the threat in the room.

“Why don’t you tell him then?” His father sneered, dragging Kageyama by the throat right back into the present. “Go ahead! See if he still wants to even be around you. How much longer do you think you can keep this up? I've told you a million times but you _never learn._ So tell him, Tobio, see what happens. But don’t come crying back to me when your little _boy toy_ dumps your worthless ass--”

“ _I said he’s not like that!_ ” Kageyama shrieked back, startling himself by the ferocity in which he defended Hinata, his father dropping his collar to which Kageyama lost his balance and fell back into the counter top, but still, he would not be deterred. “He’s _good_ , and he’s _kind,_ and he’s not a useless piece of shit _waste_ like you are--” Kageyama’s shout was cut off in the wake of a loud cracking noise, and he bit his tongue hard as fist connected with jaw and Kageyama was sent barreling sideways into the kitchen table, clunking his head off of a chair on the way down, making him see stars.

_He’s not like that. He’s good. He wouldn’t hurt me._

“Good and kind my _ass,_ what kind of _gay ass bullshit--!_ ” Kageyama could just barely hear his father’s voice as he’d shouted something back at him. It felt like his head had been submerged underwater as he struggled to get his bearings, the coppery taste of blood in his mouth making him feel nauseous.

_My jaw isn’t-- it’s not broken, is it?_ Kageyama thought through a haze of pain. He tried working it up and down, wincing at the sting - _not broken then, thank fuck, but_ god _that fucking hurt._

It had been a good long while since Kageyama had received a good punch in the face, and he immediately felt the nostalgia wash over him from years and years prior, back on the day he’d come out. He’d scrambled up onto his feet and bolted straight out of the house and into the darkness of the night that day just the same, but this time, Kageyama knew without a doubt that he had somewhere safe to go. He knew there was a person who would always be there to welcome him with open arms.

_He’s good. He’ll be good. I trust him._

Kageyama found himself on a long stretch of grass where the streetlights became few and far between as he stopped running to take a break, heaving out several hard breaths with his arms braced against his knees. Hinata’s house was far up the mountain and the climb was difficult, and Kageyama was tired - it was already past midnight. He wheezed out heavy and fast momentarily, gripping his aching jaw in his hands.

_I have to believe that he’ll be good._

But still, Kageyama could not quash the fear as a few stray tears dripped from his eyes and onto the pavement, nor could he help the tremor in his knees and in his chest as his body shook and shook until he could no longer stand steady on his feet. He’d had to sit and crouch down at the side of the road, his head pestling into his knees as he wretched and heaved out a series of choked breaths while he rode out the panic that had come to grip him.

_Please, please be good._

\- ♠️ -

_"Kageyama, talk to me. It's okay. I'm your friend, and you can tell me things."_

_My friend,_ Kageyama confirmed to himself with a deep breath. _He’s my friend._

Sitting on Hinata's bedroom floor across from each other, a long silence was stretching out. Kageyama had been welcomed inside without a word despite the late hour and had been given a pack of ice wrapped in a towel for his jaw, but now he couldn't help but wonder if he was about to be tossed right back onto the street. He began to chew hard on his bottom lip, an old habit that he’d kept from a long time ago, back when there had been an unhealing wound on his lip and a stark emptiness inside his heart.

_Moment of truth, Hinata._

Sucking in a shaky breath, Kageyama steeled himself and prepared to go down with a fight.

“I’m gay. I like men.” Kageyama forced the words out and into the air, and waited with bated breath for his life to end.

Kageyama couldn’t even begin to identify the torrent of emotions that overtook Hinata’s face, one right after the other as the silence hung suspended between them. Eventually Hinata just blinked, tilting his head slightly.

“Uh… okay?” Is what he eventually came back with.

Kageyama stared back at Hinata in disbelief, blinking a few times almost as if he was expecting the sight in front of him to change with every flicker of his eyelids. But still, Hinata just sat there, looking sleepy and a little bit dazed, and not at all bothered in the least - well, not really. There was some emotion in his eyes that Kageyama couldn’t even begin to put his finger on, almost like a question - but a question of _what,_ Kageyama couldn’t be sure. Still, this was the moment he’d dreaded not just for the two years that he’d known Hinata; it was also a moment he had spent his whole life fighting to prevent. And yet here they were now, the horrendous secret out in the open as Kageyama laid himself bare in front of Hinata, and all he had to say was… was _okay?_

"'Okay'? What do you mean, _'okay?!'_ Don't you..." He paused, confusion taking over as all of the fight drained from his body, and only then did Kageyama realize just how _exhausted_ he felt. "...That's all you have to say?"

Hinata just stared back blankly when Kageyama had rounded on him, pondering for a moment. "Uhh... yeah? Or, um... good for you? Woo-hoo?"

"It... doesn't bother you?"

"Uh, no? I'm bi. Or pan, or whatever you wanna call it. I don't really have a preference. I just like who I like. It'd be kinda silly to be bothered when I'm the same, you know?"

The words echoed around in Kageyama’s head.

_“I’m bi. I just like who I like. I’m the same.”_

_He’s the same?_

Kageyama couldn’t even begin to react, just staring back at Hinata completely dumbfounded, thoughts whirring around in his head but always landing back on the same mark.

_He said it so easily._

_He’s just like me. He likes men._

_I’m safe. He won’t hurt me._

_He likes_ men.

_Safe, safe. I’m safe._

_He likes men!_

As the seconds passed, Kageyama's brain still couldn’t process the new information. It was too much for him, so instead he pushed on forward, voice airy as he tried to ground himself back in reality. He gave Hinata the context of their fight, explaining how his father hated that he was on a team full of boys, as if he was worried that the temptation would lead his waste of space of a son to sin or some bullshit.

“My house isn't a home. I'm not... welcome there.” Kageyama admitted, unable to hide his sadness. For the first time ever, Kageyama felt like he could show it to another person without fear of that person taking it and throwing it right back in his face, kicking him when he was already down. “I can't wait until graduation and I can finally move out."

And then Hinata had stood up, shuffling over to sit directly in front of Kageyama to pull him in for a hug. Kageyama melted into it, exhaling with a heavy breath that he hadn’t known he’d been holding, raising his own arms to hug Hinata back. Kageyama discreetly inhaled his scent, that special little Hinata note with the faintest traces of sugar and spice, feeling himself relax even more, until Hinata was pulling back to look at him. His eyes were full of sympathy and care when he spoke.

"If you're not welcome in your own home," Hinata began slowly, "then... you'd be welcome in mine."

Kageyama stared back at Hinata in surprise. He’d-- he’d not expected just how much such a statement would mean to him. He’d never even considered it possible that he’d ever hear someone say those words to him at all. Staring into Hinata’s eyes, they were overflowing with sincerity, and Kageyama felt his heart hammering in his chest, worried almost that Hinata would be able to hear it from how close they were sitting. "You'll always be welcome here," Hinata continued. "My mom and sister adore you." Kageyama stared back intently as Hinata licked his lips; it sounded almost like he had more to say, but as the silence hung in the air for longer and longer, it became apparent that that was it.

Once upon a time in a dream, Hinata coming out had been a confession laced with secret meanings. And yet, as the silence stretched out with nothing more said, Kageyama came to the stark realization that dreams and reality had no crossover whatsoever - the rare times in which he had actually let himself fantasize about this moment… they weren't grounded in reality at all.

_Well, what the fuck did I expect? That just because-- just because we both like men, that I’d have a chance? He’s too good for me, and we both know it._

“...Right.” Kageyama couldn’t stop himself from deflating a little bit, which of course Hinata just had to go and notice, blinking questioningly at him.

"You're making a face."

"No I'm not," Kageyama argued.

"You are. Did I say something wrong?"

Kageyama heard the sound of himself sighing before he even realized that he’d done it. Guilt tugged at his conscience. Here Hinata was, doing his absolute best to be supportive and to comfort Kageyama, and he was just brushing him off. "No, you didn't. I... Thanks, Hinata. Thank you for accepting me." Kageyama hung his head a little bit in a small bow. It-- it had all gone so _well,_ Hinata had reacted in what was almost the perfectly ideal way, not making it into a massive deal but also not dismissing him or minimizing how important the declaration had been to Kageyama.

_But then why do I feel so disappointed?_

"Oh my god, Kageyama, you don't have to _thank_ me. It's common decency. Most of the world has it, actually. Your family just fucking sucks," Hinata joked, but his face was still saturated with sympathy and concern.

This actually managed to make Kageyama chuckle a bit. "Yeah. I guess they do." Hinata smiled back at him warmly.

"You can stay here tonight, if you want."

Kageyama looked up in surprise. Hinata was gazing back at him with an unreadable expression, eyes widening until he almost looked... _nervous_ about his own outburst, if Kageyama had to guess.

_Why would he be nervous? Is it because--..._

Kageyama accepted the offer before he’d even registered that the words were coming out of his mouth. Hinata’s eyes seemed to grow even more anxious as he explained that there was no spare bedroom, insisting that Kageyama could have his bed and he’d sleep on the floor.

"It's fine,” Kageyama heard himself say. “I don't care as long as you don't." 

Kageyama watched with a growing sense of dread as Hinata’s face fell - he looked like he was going to throw up, almost.

_He’s uncomfortable,_ Kageyama realized with a sinking heart. _Now that we’re both out, he’s worried--... he doesn’t want it to be weird between us. The meaning of such a simple gesture has completely changed._

Kageyama forced the words that he didn’t want to say out of his mouth, falling back on a sharp tone as a means of self-preservation and defense. "Oi, idiot! You're making a face. Just... don't overthink it, okay? It's not like that, so, uh. Don't freak out."

This didn’t appear to make Hinata feel any better. _Does he not believe me? He-- he hasn’t figured it out, has he?_

Kageyama steeled himself, forcing himself to get a grip. Hinata’s eyes flickered to Kageyama’s jaw, and he saw it there as well as Hinata steeled himself in return, forcing his shoulders to relax before Hinata padded over to the bed and took a leap onto it, rolling over into the wall and flashing him a smile as he patted the spot beside him in what almost seemed to be an overkill display of nonchalance.

_Is… is he feeling better?_

But then as Kageyama climbed in after him with the cats hot on his trail, Hinata stiffened up all over again. _Guess not,_ Kageyama thought glumly.

As they settled in, Hinata gave the impression that he was doing everything in his power to contort himself into a position where he wouldn’t have to make any unnecessary contact with any part of Kageyama’s body. Shou had climbed up onto Kageyama’s chest as he watched Hinata settle in, trapping him in place, and Hinata snickered.

Kageyama couldn’t figure out what Hinata was feeling at all. How was he simultaneously so uncomfortable and yet completely relaxed? He was trying so hard to keep his distance and seemed so terribly _perturbed_ , and yet he was still giggling like a schoolgirl at Kageyama’s predicament as if they'd found themselves in any other mundane situation. Kageyama didn’t understand; what was he supposed to make of a signal like that? He was too tired to ponder it for long though, and with the shared body heat and close proximity, Kageyama felt himself relaxing inadvertently. It was then that Kageyama felt a warm weight in his hand. In the dark, Kageyama turned to see Hinata just barely visible under the moonlight through the window, face warm and kind as he smiled over at Kageyama, hand placed within his own.

Despite it all, despite the tragedy of all of Hinata's body language evidently leading right back to that terrible feeling of discomfort, Kageyama felt the hope inside of him flicker back to life like a little candle, warming him from the inside out. Kageyama could feel Hinata’s body heat dissolving all of the tension in his body, and for the first time in a long time, his sleep was neither dreamless, nor was it plagued by nightmares.

He dreamed of Hinata’s soft, gentle hugs, and of fields of sunflowers on breezy summer days.

But from there on out, despite everything, Kageyama still tried to give Hinata hints, and despite everything all over again, Hinata _still_ ignored them.

Exhibit C of the mixed signals came when one of Kageyama’s one-off thoughts had turned out to be true.

_He really does have a whole entire encyclopedia about me._

He’d seen it one day just laying out on Hinata’s bed, just a little spiral notebook. Kageyama didn’t know why he’d chosen to open it since he more than anyone could understand that it wasn’t great to invade another person’s privacy like that, but he’d done so anyway. Hinata had invaded _his_ privacy plenty of times already, so Kageyama figured that it would be fine for him to just do it once - surely Hinata wouldn’t mind too much, right? So he’d opened it, looking down at the pages only to find it densely packed front to back with Hinata’s handwriting, full of taped in sticky notes and highlighted text with little arrows scrawled all over the place. He’d been about to just close it and toss it back on the bed when his eyes had caught on his own name, and as he stared down and turned a few pages, he realized that every single page was _covered_ in it.

Hinata was in the bathroom, so Kageyama hopped up onto his bed and began flipping through it, and--...

It was filled completely to the brim with every fact about Kageyama that Hinata had ever learned.

Kageyama stared down in awe; it was all there. His favourite food, his goals for the future, his quirks, his random thoughts he’d say aloud sometimes, the stupid stories he’d tell to Hinata… It was filled with tips and tricks as well, little Kageyama cheat codes of the best ways to cheer him up, gift ideas, pages upon pages of research from that time Hinata had come up with that idea to start growing Kageyama a sunflower, and fuck, Hinata even had a list going of all of his favourite things about Kageyama, but that list was so long and crowded with rearranged text that it had been near impossible to read in its entirety.

He’d written _all of it_ down. 

_Breathe,_ Kageyama reminded himself, because it seemed for a moment that he had forgotten how to, what with the way his heart was currently thumping so hard in his chest like it was going to kill him right then and there, like it was monopolizing all of his body’s energy and there was nothing left to give to his lungs to keep them working.

Kageyama had wondered for just barely one moment if Hinata was planning to use the notebook to humiliate him in some way, but it was just way too thorough for that, and when Kageyama pictured Hinata’s big, honest eyes in his mind, when he thought of everything that the two of them had been through together up until that point, when he thought about how determined Hinata had always been to break through to Kageyama and become more than just his greatest ally, but his greatest friend, he knew that everything Hinata had written was from a place of genuine fondness and care.

_He cares. He’s-- he’s been good all along. This is--... No one-- no one has ever..._ Kageyama took a deep, shaky breath, willing himself to get his thoughts and his trembling hands under control. 

_This is the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for me._

And to drive home just how sincere it all was, Hinata hadn’t even intended for him to ever find it in the first place; he’d done it of his own time and volition with no expectation for any sort of reward for his trouble, because knowing Kageyama so intimately was reward enough itself already.

Upon realizing this, Kageyama had needed to bring a hand up to cover his mouth for a long moment, blinking back a few stray tears which he quickly wiped away with the back of his hand as he gathered himself before he could read on.

Hinata had jumped him when he’d come out of the bathroom, trying desperately to steal the book back, but Kageyama didn’t want to stop reading just yet. There were still a few more pages to go, so Kageyama did all he could think to do and straddled Hinata’s hips and pinned him to the bed and read the book aloud while Hinata looked on in mortification. As hard as he tried, Kageyama couldn’t stop the happiness from bubbling up and out - he’d never felt _giddy_ before, but there was always a first for everything.

_He cares. He_ _really cares about me. He’s always been good._

But then once he’d finished reading it, Hinata had snatched the book and bolted out of the room faster than Kageyama had ever seen him move, leaving him to just stand and stare at the empty space in front of him where Hinata had just been. Hinata hadn’t made eye contact with him at all when he’d come out of the bathroom ten minutes later, nor had he done so the whole rest of the evening that Kageyama had spent at his house. Even when he flashed his trademark smile at Kageyama, it seemed to tremble at the edges like he was forcing it, unfocused eyes cast downwards.

Still, Kageyama went home that night and poured over the contents of the book over and over again in his own head, burying his head into his pillows and hugging them tight to his face.

It was all just so confusing.

Home the next day, Kageyama was out in the back garden nurturing their sunflower. Now in September, it was already approaching its fullest maturity. He eyed the seeds carefully; soon they’d be ready for harvest.

Hinata had been the start to something so much greater than he probably had even ever considered, and Kageyama wondered if he even understood it in any capacity whatsoever. He wondered if Hinata knew the effort that Kageyama had put into nurturing the seedling he’d given him despite the harshness and unforgiving challenges of growing a summer plant in winter, wondered if he knew how much Kageyama had doted on the thing, wondered if he knew how careful Kageyama was with it if only for the very simple reason it was something that Hinata had given him, and as such he wanted to cherish it.

_What would it mean if I were to give him back the seeds?_ Kageyama wondered. _Why does that feel like it would be giving away too much, even without saying anything aloud?_

He wondered if Hinata would understand the hidden meaning of such a gesture. It would be like-- like giving Hinata a piece of himself.

_I want to give it all back to him. I want to give it all back and more. I don’t want this to be it. I-- I want to grow flowers with him forever._

Kageyama startled, bringing a gloved hand to his mouth in surprise, as if to prevent himself from letting any of those thoughts escape past his lips and into the air.

He’d never had a thought like that about _anyone._

Still, the idea of planting sunflowers with Hinata made Kageyama’s heart ache.

_Would he want that? Would it make him happy? Does he even understand what it would mean to me? To invite him into my life like that… He’d probably just make fun of me. I know I would._

...But then again, for all of the fun that Hinata liked to poke at him, he had never looked down on or made light of any of the deeper facets that made Kageyama who he was. Kageyama shook his head and headed inside. Hinata's jabs were never weighted at all, and Kageyama had a sneaking suspicion that Hinata genuinely enjoyed their playful arguments. Earlier in their relationship, Kageyama's own jabs had always been born of bitter honesty and his social inabilities, but they had since turned almost warm in a way. Hinata had never taken them to heart, though, always ready to hurl a quip right back with a great big stupid smile on his face.

_I’m getting ahead of myself. He’s my friend, and that’s it. He doesn’t-- he doesn’t look at me like that. And neither should I, for that matter._

Kageyama wondered what had happened to holding himself back and overcoming his crush.

The next morning, Kageyama awoke from a dream where he'd had sex with Hinata. There was a cold mess in his pants and a ringing in his ears, and worst of all, a feeling deep inside his chest that was weighing on him to the point that it was making it hard to breathe.

Rising from his bed, Kageyama ran through his morning routine in a fog of thought - the details of the dream were fading, but the feelings were not. They had been trailing after him for weeks, but he'd never quite noticed just how heavy they were to carry until then.

The worst part of it was that it was not Hinata's body that Kageyama had focused on. It was-- it was the way that Hinata spoke, the way he said Kageyama’s name, the way he _cared,_ the way he was so genuinely interested in Kageyama’s life. It was in the way that Hinata would always listen so intently whenever Kageyama was speaking, the way that Hinata would ponder his every word like such menial talk _mattered_ to him - it was as if it were Kageyama _himself_ who Hinata cared about, rather than just what he could offer of use to him. It was the way that he reached out to Kageyama like no one had ever reached for him before. But worse yet, it didn’t just extend to the things that Hinata gave him, either - in some capacity, at least that would have been understandable, but this however was something entirely different. It was the cadence of Hinata's voice, his laugh and his smile and his big beaming grin, it was his passion and intensity and the way that he poured every fibre of his being into everything he did, it was his optimism and his perseverance, his kindness, it was in the simplicity of his one track mind that somehow managed to hold a complexity and depth that Kageyama could always see reflected in his eyes, it was in the way that he moved, the way he carried himself, the way he _lived_ \- it was in his personality, the person he was, every feeling and every thought and the way that Hinata managed to be the most magnificent and beautiful person he’d ever known, it was, it was--...

Suddenly the revelation hit Kageyama like a truck, sending him spiraling.

It wasn’t Hinata’s _body_. It wasn't his body at all, and it wasn't just the positive attention that Kageyama had never otherwise been given that Kageyama was so fixated on, either. It wasn't anything like that.

It was _Hinata_.

It was the way that Hinata simply _was._

Kageyama staggered forward, swaying in place upon realizing what this meant. He stared forward at something that wasn’t there, unblinking, unable to make himself move. No. No, no, no, _no--_ it couldn’t be--...

He shook his head over and over, unsuccessfully trying to break himself out of his stupor.

It was just-- just a _crush_ , it was supposed to be easy, it was… it couldn't--...

The feeling blossomed through Kageyama's refusal to believe as if it were a dandelion growing through a crack of concrete. No amount of denial could stuff it down or smother it into non existence.

He was--

He was in _love_ with Hinata Shouyou.

_I'm in love with him!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s going down now!! Kageyama has just had a stark and stunning revelation. Poor guy, he’s always a little bit late to realize what’s going on. Hinata is the same in the last story but Kageyama is just so much worse at it, seriously, does this guy ever have any idea what's going on? XD Next chapter contains the fated shit show from the last story, you know the one. ;) Whew… the next chapter has a scene in it that I quite like. I’m so excited but also nervous at the same time for you guys to see it, you have no idea!
> 
> A lot of the scenes I’ve written in this story have been more graphic in implications than what is actually shown, ie. in the case of the specifics of Tobio and Oikawa's little affair, as well as Kageyama’s father. I don’t really feel the need to go into detail about all of the slurs and terrible homophobic and abusive things Kageyama’s father would say to him. Growing up as a bi boy myself I just can’t bring myself to subject others out there who are like me to that, so my apologies, you’ll just have to use your imagination in cases like that. =w=;; I’m not here to bring up traumatic memories for anyone, so forgive me if some of those heavier scenes seem sort of wishy-washy. ;w; I’m just praying I could pull it off, even just a little bit. Not that there’s anything wrong with exploring that kind of a story if you yourself are a writer! If you have the guts to go there in your own writing, I bow before you, but sadly I’m not that brave. I just can’t really go there for the sake of my own mental health, so I’ve done my best with what I’m comfortable with.
> 
> I also have a confession. Back when I wrote the first story, I totally overestimated the lifespan of a sunflower. It just goes to show how little I know about annual flowers. I thought sunflowers lasted closer to 250 days from germination to harvest, not 125! D: I’m much more of a shrub & fruit tree guy myself, I don’t know a lot about regular flowers. If you need to find me, come look for me pruning my roses and my blackberries because those bastards last forever! I’ve been growing the same dang rose bushes at my childhood home since I was teeny tiny. So let’s just pretend these are some hardy freakin sunflowers, okay? XD Kageyama must be some sort of genius gardener. Plant those funky flowers, miracle boy!
> 
> Anywhosit, seeya guys Monday evening! <3


	5. Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It all goes wrong.

\- ♠️ -

Fall

Laying sprawled out on his back atop his bed, Kageyama stared up at the ceiling and tried to figure out what the fuck was going on.

_I am in love with Hinata Shouyou._

The thought bounced around in his mind like it was an echo chamber. He tried it out experimentally on his tongue.

"I am in love with Hinata Shouyou."

_I love him. I’m_ in _love with him._

How could that be?

_Can a person like me even understand love? It’s-- I’ve never felt like this before._

But despite everything, he _knew_. Kageyama had never been so certain about anything else before in his life.

_I love him. I_ love _him._

Kageyama never had been able to understand where Hinata’s attachment and resolve came from. For someone like him, the epitome of sunshine, charismatic and kind, passionate and cherished by all, to be so focused and dedicated to a person like Kageyama--... It didn’t make sense. There was a time when Kageyama had desperately wished that Hinata would focus his attention literally anywhere else, but over time, he’d come to realize that he simply could not give Hinata up. He yearned for him, craved him, wanted to be _wanted_ by him more than anything. Miraculously, it turned out that he was - just... just not in the same way that Kageyama wanted him.

Hinata had been the first person to accept Kageyama for who he was as a person, focused on the deeper aspects of him rather than just outward appearances. He’d seen past Kageyama’s cold exterior and had been intrigued, for whatever reason, investing himself into Kageyama’s life wholly and unconditionally. Somehow, Hinata Shouyou had broken down all of Kageyama’s walls. Hinata had taught him how to be a human being, investing the time and patience like no one had ever been bothered to do before.

Of _course_ it was him. It always was, wasn’t it?

Closing his eyes, Kageyama inhaled a deep breath, held it, and then let it out as a shaky exhale. He brought his emotions under control. He kept breathing. After several moments, he opened his eyes again.

As he spaced out, Kageyama watched without really registering what was happening as a small spider descended from an invisible line of webbing next to him, coming to settle on the bed sheets beside him. As he shifted, the spider appeared to respond instinctively in apprehension, making a dash for the nearest spot of cover and trying to smoosh itself between the spot where his pillow met his mattress. It at least drew Kageyama out of his own head, and clicking his tongue, Kageyama lifted the pillow and scooped the spider up and into his hands to carry outside. Maybe it would have been easier to just kill it, but Kageyama had never felt quite right about killing bugs. They were just trying to live their lives and do what they were made to do - how could he fault them for that? It wasn’t their fault that they were gross and ugly, but the whole world still saw it fit to punish them for it. Opening his hand once he’d stepped outside, he watched as the spider seemed to look back at him for a long moment as if it had expected itself to already be dead by then, like it couldn't even believe its good fortune that its life had been spared - and then it ran across his palm and strung a web to jump right off and onto the ground, before taking off at mach pace into the grass.

_If Hinata found out, would he spare me too? Or would it end everything as easily as it would have been for me to kill that spider?_

He didn’t have to tell Hinata. He didn’t have to tell him anything at all. Kageyama knew it then; he _could not_ allow himself to. Hinata could _never_ know. Such a terrible secret coming forth between them had the potential to ruin absolutely _everything._

_He’s my best friend. He is everything in my life that is good. He is the first person who was ever able to find anything good or worthwhile inside of me. He's the one who showed me that I matter. He’s the one who taught me what it means to love someone. He takes my breath away. He’s the one; it’s always been him. It’s always, always,_ always _been him. I love him. I love him more than anything in the whole world, more than I’ve ever loved anything else before._

_He means_ everything _to me._

The risk was just too great. He could never, ever let Hinata know. If there was ever to be a chance for them to be anything more, which Kageyama had come to determine was of negligible probability, it would have to be Hinata who would initiate it.

_I cannot risk losing him, not ever._

He’d tried to be fine after that, really, he had. He could play the part of being Hinata’s best friend. As long as he could keep Hinata in his life right there close to him, everything would be alright.

_I could never be what he’d need me to be. I don’t deserve him._

Life going forward from that point on grew difficult, but there was at least one reprieve. Not long after their fight where his father had nearly broken his jaw, his mother announced that she would be leaving Kageyama’s father. It had certainly been a cause for celebration, and Hinata had been right there at his side, relieved and elated like all of Kageyama’s pain over the years had been his own.

His father had been kicked out of the house, and several weeks later, the divorce had been finalized. Finally, Kageyama was free to exist just as he was--

Well, barring the earth-shattering secret that he was now carrying.

_He is the part of me that I cannot bring myself to face. I can’t let myself._

No matter how much he tried, Kageyama couldn’t be rid of the feelings. He tried to stuff them down, but there were just too many. It wasn’t just the love itself - it was the happiness, the contentment, the exhilaration, the prosperity and the peace of mind that being around Hinata gave him. He had never felt such a colourful range of emotions, but they all led back to the same source. To remove Hinata from the equation now would be to remove a part of himself.

But he wanted Hinata so badly.

Kageyama couldn’t help but feel a little bit greedy. Hinata had already given him so much, yet here Kageyama was, still wanting more.

_I will only disappoint you._

It wasn’t just for his own sake that he needed to keep the feelings buried. It was for Hinata’s too - he just couldn’t ask that of him. Kageyama was Hinata’s best friend; Hinata relied on him, and he couldn’t let him down. It would be too heavy a burden to place on him, but try as he might, the feelings kept growing until they were too big for Kageyama to hold, until there was no place left to hide them at all.

So forth came the day where everything finally fell apart, and the words had escaped.

“I like you,” Kageyama had thought to himself out loud one day in December when they were playing video games at Hinata’s house. It was only when Hinata had whipped around to stare at him like he’d sprouted another head that Kageyama realized with a growing sense of horror the magnitude of what he had just done.

He’d made an absolutely fatal error.

The moment seemed to hang suspended in time. Stuffing down his growing mortification, Kageyama compelled himself with all of his willpower to stay still and not bolt, and hold eye contact. He forced his face to go blank, and he desperately hoped that Hinata wouldn’t notice that he’d literally had to hold his breath to stop himself from shaking as the panic came to grip him. Hinata’s eyebrows were knitting together, and his face was contorted as he thought hard. Nothing could have prepared Kageyama for the way Hinata’s eyes pierced him, the way they betrayed all of his thoughts and simultaneously hid everything. 

Kageyama knew what Hinata's response would be before Hinata even appeared to - Kageyama could see it painted all over his face. He knew by that look alone that Hinata had indeed picked apart the statement and had come to rest on that deeper meaning, after all, Hinata had always been shockingly perceptive. The longer the silence stretched out, the colder the tips of Kageyama's fingers felt. What else could Hinata be thinking apart from some kind way to let Kageyama down gently? It was then that Hinata perked up, all of the conflict that had been staining his face melting away instantly into a big, happy grin. Kageyama knew he was forcing that expression, but despite everything, when Hinata relaxed, Kageyama felt himself relax a bit, too. Despite it all, the tiniest shred of hope burgeoned inside of him.

_Maybe-- Maybe he--..._

“I like you too!” Hinata responded pleasantly. “I like being friends with you, playing volleyball together, and hanging out with the cats!” 

Kageyama met the words with silence as his body seemed to freeze over completely.

_“I like being friends with you.”_

_Friends._

Oh, god, _no._

Kageyama tried to fight the haze of dejection that was settling around him as despair, misgivings and dread swallowed him whole. The fragments of hope flickered out into trails of smoke and ash.

“...Right,” was all Kageyama was able to choke out. No matter how he tried, he couldn’t get his mouth to work, and his tongue felt like it was made of lead. He’d _blown it_. Hinata was saying something else but Kageyama couldn’t hear it anymore. He just stared down at the floor as Hinata went on. It was the gentlest way possible to be let down, but Kageyama felt like he had just been razed by the sun. Why the _fuck_ did he say that? _Why?_ What had happened to keeping it all inside? Why, why, _why, why, WHY--_

It all started to fall apart after that.

The days that followed passed in a blur, and Kageyama could feel every shred of hope he’d ever held onto blowing away like dust in the wind. He could feel himself relapsing into his old toxic mindset despite his attempts to stave off the negativity, and yet Hinata was perfectly chipper, just like he always was. For once, Kageyama could find no comfort in his enthusiasm. It was all empty. He could feel the bitter sting of rejection choking him from the inside out.

_I’m the one who made the mistake of bringing my personal feelings into this. I-- I still get to be his friend. Wasn’t that supposed to be enough? Why_ isn’t _it enough? Why does it_ hurt _like this?_

At least before, Kageyama had still had that tiniest little flickering candle of hope that had burned inside of him and warmed him from the inside out. He'd never even realized how much of himself had been supported by that tiny little wick of light, but now it was _gone_ \- the unforestallable chill of winter had pierced him so deeply that he couldn't rid himself of it at all no matter how hard he tried, and not even Hinata's radiance was enough to melt the ice that was freezing over his heart.

Kageyama had tried to be normal again, but he just couldn’t. He couldn’t help the way he looked at Hinata, and he couldn’t stop the affection and the love from bubbling up no matter how hard he tried. Worse yet was that Hinata could _tell_ that something was gravely wrong; he could feel the rift between them growing as those disgusting feelings just kept pushing them further apart until there was an entire chasm separating them. Hinata was trying so hard to carry on like everything was fine, but Kageyama just couldn’t. How could he?

Hinata still touched him like always, still complimented him, still called out to him in that sweet, warm, welcoming voice as if everything were perfectly fine. _Of course_ it would be fine for Hinata, though - everything was _always_ just fine and dandy with him. Then came Kageyama’s birthday where he had been relentlessly interrogated by the team at what was supposed to be a celebratory dinner about what his plans were for university. He didn’t even want to think about it. He didn’t want to think about anything at all - he’d had to push his way outside through a fog of despair to get some air, and of course Hinata just _had_ to follow him there.

"You can talk to me about it, you know," he’d said.

"Yeah."

"I'm your friend," Hinata offered.

_There it is._

"...Yeah. I know," Kageyama forced out after a long moment, fighting away another wave of anguish, pointedly not looking back at him when Hinata tried to catch his eye.

_I get it! I know, so you don’t have to keep repeating yourself!_

He didn’t know why he felt so upset. He’d known it all along, because Hinata had been _telling_ him all along, over and over and over in that same broken record tone, _we’re friends, we’re friends, we’re just_ friends - he’d been saying it right from the beginning, so _why_ had he still allowed himself to hope?

_It’s not enough. It’s nowhere_ near _enough!_

He’d asked Hinata the next day about his own plans for the future. He hadn’t known what he was expecting or even necessarily why he’d bothered to ask, but he supposed he was searching for comfort or validation in any capacity. Instead, Kageyama finally came face to face with the true consequences of his prior mistake.

“I've already thought a lot about it, and... it's likely we won't be going to the same school. You know that, right?”

Kageyama could only stare back in despair as his world began to fall to pieces around him.

Hinata didn’t want to come with him. Hinata wanted him to go to another school, so they’d be going their separate ways. He said it all so calmly, too, with a little smile plastered on his face.

_“I'm just trying to look at it realistically.”_

_“We’ll go off down our own paths.”_

_“I want you to go. I really do.”_

Understanding swallowed Kageyama like a dark wave. Hinata had given him chance after chance to get over himself, chance after chance to maintain their friendship and put his revolting feelings in the past, but if Kageyama couldn’t figure out how to just be fucking _normal_ , then even Hinata couldn’t find it in himself to tolerate him. Kageyama had pushed it all too far this time, and now he couldn’t take it back.

Hinata didn’t even want Kageyama _near_ him anymore - he’d destroyed everything. The bitter sting of rejection was still holding heavy inside of him, growing and festering until it had saturated Kageyama's every last thought. The only place it had left to flow was outwards, so Kageyama did the only thing he knew how to do when keeping his silence didn’t work - he lashed out.

_Why?_ Why would Hinata have gone through all of the trouble to break down Kageyama’s walls if this was the fated outcome? What was the point of it all? 

_I never stood a chance to begin with. He just doesn’t see me in the same way that I see him. He doesn’t-- he doesn’t see me at all._

Hinata was just-- just _smiling_ at him as those terrible words had fallen out of his mouth. Kageyama’s world was crumbling around him and Hinata was just-- he just got to be _fine?_

_Why is it that you get to live on like everything is okay when all I do is suffer?_

Kageyama had spat back venomous words into his face, the hurt overflowing outwards and away from him, rolling over and drenching everything in his path. Everything had rapidly descended into chaos. He’d known as the jilted words came out of his mouth that he was making it worse and worse, giving too much away, but it just hurt too much. He couldn’t stop the pain from erupting forth.

_You’re the one who wanted me to speak my mind, and look where it got me!_

“You just _act_ without even considering how the people around you feel, or how the things you say affect them," Kageyama spat. "You act like everything's fine when it isn't. You take no responsibility for your actions at all.” 

Hinata was just staring back at him blankly, and for once, Kageyama could not read the unspoken words that always seemed to be written upon Hinata’s face. For the first time ever, Kageyama couldn’t understand Hinata in any capacity whatsoever.

_Does he even understand the way I look at him? How could he make himself mean so much to me and then just_ take it all away?

“...You really have no idea, do you? The things you do? And what they do to me?" Kageyama laughed in disbelief, the note sharp and bitter. "I can't tell if you're being intentionally obtuse, or if you're just really that fucking stupid."

_Shut up, shut up!_ He screamed at himself inside his own mind. _You can still fix this if you just shut the fuck up!_

He _could_ find a way to fix it, couldn’t he?

"Well, I'm sorry I'm not a mind reader then, Kageyama!" 

_I can’t._

"You don't _have_ to be a mind reader! Do you ever even _listen?_ You know what, fuck this. I can't do this right now. I'm going home."

_I can't!_

"What! Why?!" Hinata shouted back in protest as Kageyama stood to leave, leaping forward to stand in his way. "You can't just run away! Stay here and explain!"

_Why should I? So you can watch me break down and lose my mind in front of you? I’m not going to give you the chance._

"I'm not just gonna stand here and keep repeating myself hoping you just miraculously _get it_ all of the sudden. If you don't get it now, then you never will!"

Kageyama immediately regretted the outburst when Hinata stepped back again, eyes wide with shock and hurt, arm still extended towards him, before puffing himself up all over again. Still, Kageyama just couldn’t keep his own hurt inside. He was being rejected all over again, but this time was so much worse than anything he’d ever been put through before.

_I love you so much it hurts!_

Hinata still blocked his path. "Be more up front!" Hinata growled.

" _Up front_ , huh?” Kageyama stared back in disbelief. He could feel the tips of his fingers going cold. “You want me to be more _up front?_ ”

_You have got to be joking. I’ve told you everything I could think of to tell you without completely making a complete ass of myself. Do you really want to watch me fall apart that badly?_

Kageyama was about to just push past Hinata altogether, but then--...

But then Hinata’s face _fell_ \- it fell into some mix of anger and exasperation, disappointment and _virulence_ , and Kageyama’s heart stopped short as his whole body froze. It was a face that Hinata had never made at him before, and yet it was still agonizingly _familiar_ , and Kageyama found without warning that the ground had fallen out from under his feet. Visions and sounds flashed behind his eyes as the hairs on the back of his neck rose, images of contemptuous glances, shouting matches choked with fury and hatred, mocking laughter.

_Not on you. Please, not on you. Don’t make that awful face at me. Please, please--_

He stared back at Hinata who was just inches away, but it felt like he was suddenly completely absent from the room altogether and Kageyama had been plunged into darkness, falling and falling until they were miles separated, pages upon books apart. The expression was holding suspended in Kageyama’s mind - he couldn’t even be sure that Hinata was still making the face at all anymore, because he could no longer see what was in front of him. It had burned itself into his retinas.

_You don’t want me._

Long buried conversations surged forwards in his mind as bile rose into his throat and he lost his vision to vertigo.

_“You were just... convenient for me. You knew what you were getting into, didn’t you?”_

_“He’s just impossible to be around. We can’t take it anymore.”_

_“The only version of you that he can stand is the shallowest version of you that there is.”_

He could hear the words echoing inside of his head, but--

_“--completely unbearable--...”_

They were-- they were being spoken in _Hinata’s voice._

_“You’re unsalvageable--”_

That same voice that had always called to him so sweetly--...

_“--impossible to stand as a person--...”_

The same voice that had promised he would always be there--...

_“You’re beyond help--...”_

The voice that had so kindly taught Kageyama with endless patience that he mattered--...

_“...--just a tyrant. He’s not worth the investment.”_

...In his head, it was gone. It was all _gone._

_"Did you actually think you had a shot?”_ Hinata’s voice hissed within Kageyama’s mind. _“What a joke. I will_ never _\--"_

_\--You will never want me._

_“I will_ never _want you!”_

Kageyama didn’t even feel it when his own body surged forward to cage Hinata in against the wall.

_Why did I_ ever _think that this time might be different?_

He could feel himself speaking, but he didn’t understand the words coming out of his own mouth. He didn’t-- he _couldn’t_ look at Hinata. Hinata was facing away from him now, stomach to the wall, but Kageyama could still see it on the back of his head. Everywhere he looked, there it was, that horrible, horrible contemptuous face staring back at him. There wasn't even a shred of solace from closing his eyes either; the face followed him as he'd tried to escape into himself, and there was nowhere left to hide.

_I never even stood a chance. I’m so stupid. I’m so fucking stupid._

Kageyama tried to steady himself, forcing himself to take a deep breath. He eyed the space around him wearily as the room blurred around him, trying to find something to ground himself in. Hinata was still underneath him, heavy and solid and _alive_ but of little comfort whatsoever. Still, he was there, so Kageyama focused himself onto him, feeling his heart hammering through his back, the shifting of his limbs, the warmth of his body as Kageyama gripped onto him like a lifeline. He was still in Hinata’s room, so there was that, although the surroundings were warping and only then did Kageyama realize that his eyes were watering heavily.

He forced in more breath. Over and over, he willed himself to keep breathing. Keep breathing, keep _breathing--_

Kageyama next found himself suddenly staggering backwards, arms grappling onto the frame of Hinata’s bed and desk to catch his balance before he cracked his head off the hardwood floor. The stinging in his jaw came several beats later, followed last by the image of Hinata’s terrified eyes as he’d drawn his fist back and punched Kageyama hard in the face. Looking up through a haze of pain, he saw Hinata stumble and nearly fall to the floor with a sharp, heaving gasp of air, almost like he’d been trapped underwater and had only just been able to break through to the surface. Kageyama raised a trembling hand to touch his jaw, the ache of it finally drawing him back down to earth.

Hinata had _punched_ him.

_I could never have been good enough for him, and now I can’t even keep him as a friend._

This was everything he’d wanted to avoid. It was all over. There was nothing left.

_But I can’t live without him anymore!_ He wailed inside of his own head. _He was-- he's_ everything _to me--_

Hinata’s voice in his head completed the thought for him.

_“But you_ ruined _it.”_

The despair and the self-hatred and the _shame_ that overtook him then could have brought a weaker man to his knees, but Kageyama had already lived a life so full of it that he almost welcomed the familiarity, but only that - almost. It had never felt quite so horrible or agonizing in all the years he'd been alive. Having known what it was like to fly, crashing back down to the ground just to be right back where he started--... it was just too cruel. And now, Hinata was going to be able to just move on and be fine, meanwhile Kageyama was just--... just--

_It's all empty._

Hinata was staring back at him, having recovered enough to be able to meet Kageyama's eyes again, tears streaming down his face.

_It’s not his fault that I had to go and ruin everything. He did everything right. He tried so hard to spare my feelings. I can’t-- there’s nothing to blame on him. People like me just don’t get to love people like him._

A large surge of affection gripped Kageyama. Even after everything, the love that Kageyama held for Hinata did not waver or staunch. Desperately, he wanted to reach out. He wanted Hinata to heal his hurt, but there was nothing more that he would be able to do when the solution to his Hinata problem was Hinata himself. He couldn't-- he couldn't ask that of him no matter how badly he wanted to.

_I was an idiot for ever thinking that you needed me like I need you._

He stuffed down the urge. He heard himself speaking as if his voice belonged to someone else.

“You never did want me at all, did you?” The words wavered when they came out of his mouth as he stared unseeing at Hinata.

_Please save me._

Hinata just stared back and shook, face twisted up and eyes hollowed as his tears fell freely to the floor. Kageyama wanted so badly to be able to comfort him in some way, but compassion had never exactly been Kageyama’s strong suit, and he knew there was nothing more he could do when the situation was his fault, and Hinata was just the unwitting victim.

_Please, please save me._

Kageyama laughed softly, but the sound was devoid of any life at all. Even the anger and the sadness had abandoned him until nothing at all was left in its place; it was all just hollow and empty now. "I knew it. I was right _all along._ There's just no way." The words tasted bitter on Kageyama’s tongue as he forced them out and into the air.

_Please let me stay. Stay with me. Don't-- don’t leave._

And then he had taken off, staggering through the hallway and down the stairs in a daze, leaving Hinata to cry and collapse to the floor all alone in his room. Kageyama stumbled as he forced his body through the front door and out onto the street, the scenery blurring around him as he tried to figure out how to get home when the world didn’t even exist underneath his feet anymore. Somewhere in the distance, or maybe it was just in his own mind, Kageyama could just barely hear it when Hinata sobbed out louder than he had ever heard him, crying and crying until Kageyama couldn’t hear anything anymore except for the blood rushing in his ears.

_I’m sorry._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back in chapter ten of the first entry in this series, I was always looking forward to writing Kageyama’s panic attack, which might sound bizarre, but it just ended up being really cathartic for me. That was the part of this chapter I was so excited and scared about simultaneously.
> 
> Kageyama’s whole perspective has just been me going into a haze of text and out I pop on the other side with writing which is maybe a bit too... personal? I almost feel embarrassed, like I’m standing naked on a stage. ._. I’m an extremely private person, heck, I’ve spent the majority of my internet life lurking. Posting my writing like this is very out of character for me, but the reception from you guys has seriously changed my life for the better, so here I am. I was originally planning on vanishing after the end of the last one. It’s probably way too personal to reveal, especially after all this already, but I’m about to say it against my own better discretion; sometimes I do get little ‘attacks’ over having these stories up and out here in the world, and it seriously freaks me out a little bit. I used to delete my stories in the past, but I’m not going to do that with these ones. Somehow though, part of me still wants to bar myself up and hide; I feel like I’m revealing too much of my own life somehow, even without stating anything explicitly. You guys have just been way too kind to me, and I get overwhelmed sometimes by it. Often I’ll read all of your lovely comments and have to leave them in my inbox for a few hours and go walk around and breathe. Like Kageyama, part of me almost sort of wonders if I’m being strung along somehow, but I trust all of you and all of the kindness you’ve shown me. Writing this version of the story has been helping me to work through a few things myself. :’) I’m just rambling now though. I’m just hoping it’s at least halfway decent to read, especially compared to the previous story. I don’t know if it’s because this one has so many personal elements that I end up worrying about it so much.
> 
> When I first wrote the dialogue with imaginary Hinata in Kageyama’s head where Kageyama completes the thought before the imaginary Hinata even finishes, “I will never-- (You will never want me.) --I will /never/ want you!”, it literally made the hair on my own arms stand up, which is very embarrassing, because yeesh! I’m the writer, so why would that happen? I've never had that kind of reaction to my own writing before. Hm.
> 
> I’ve been worried a lot that Kageyama’s perspective might undermine the previous story in some ways - not really sure how to explain. I just hope that the two stories both support each other evenly if that makes sense.
> 
> Next update is Wednesday morning, hope to see you there! ;)


	6. Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is no more need to hide.

\- ♠️ -

Confession

Laying face down on his bed with his head shoved hard into a pillow, Kageyama tried to clear his mind. It had been days since he’d spoken to Hinata last.

_I opened myself up to another human being, and this is what I got for it. I should have known._

Kageyama didn’t think he’d ever been in so much pain in his life. Worse yet was knowing what was to come. He needed to prepare himself while he still could, because it was only a matter of time before he would be alone all over again. He was going to have to give Hinata up.

It was just like Kitagawa Junior High all over again. His friends--... no, his teammates… those… Those _people_ hadn’t needed him, either. His father had been right. They hadn't wanted him at all, and they never had. Oikawa hadn’t wanted him. His parents didn’t, either. No one did. And now, not even Hinata could stand to be around him because Kageyama just had to go and ruin everything just like he always did. 

Hinata was still trying to send Kageyama texts. Even after everything, he was so desperate to repair their relationship, to make everything the same way it used to be, but truth be told, this just managed to make Kageyama feel even worse. He could understand it from Hinata’s perspective - he must have been hurting as well from having lost his best friend. Hinata hadn’t even done anything wrong, either; the only mistake he’d made was to get tied in with someone like Kageyama in the first place. All Kageyama could do for either of them now was maintain his distance. When his phone started ringing, Kageyama just watched it with feigned disinterest until it stopped vibrating.

Maybe like that, they’d be able to salvage what they still had. They could still be teammates, at least until graduation when they would part ways. Kageyama could still stand under Hinata’s radiance, but from a distance. He’d still be seeing him in school and at practice, but he could at least cut off all other contact in the meantime.

If the feelings would just erupt forth every time that Kageyama so much as looked at Hinata, he just wouldn’t look at him at all.

Even just the thought of it made Kageyama want to roll over and fall asleep and never wake up.

_I miss Hinata! I miss my cats!_ Kageyama thought despairingly. _I miss them so much I feel like I could die!_

Kageyama knew he was hurting Hinata with the silence, and he knew that their previous altercation must have been weighing on him heavily. He could almost feel it without even having to be near him - Kageyama knew Hinata must have been wracking his brain, trying to figure out what he’d done so _wrong_ to drive Kageyama to view him in such a sickening and repulsive manner, and trying to come up with a way to fix it. He was hurting Hinata, something he had wanted so badly to avoid, but no matter the mask he put on himself, Kageyama Tobio was still himself, and some things just never changed - one of those being that he just _hurt_ people. It was just what he _did_. Kageyama loathed himself for it but he had no other choice this time.

He had just wanted Hinata to be happy, but the problems arose the moment he started wanting to be the _person_ who got to make him happy. It was the moment he’d thought even for just an _instance_ that it was okay to return everything that Hinata had invested into him, the _moment_ he’d thought so stupidly that the love that a person like Kageyama felt could ever be worth anything.

It was just as he’d thought before; people like Kageyama Tobio just didn’t get to love people like Hinata Shouyou.

_It would have been better for him if he’d never met me at all._

Even so, Kageyama couldn’t bring himself to fully regret anything, either, which just made his self-resentment burn hotter. He’d tried to assess whether or not he would have been better off for never having opened up to Hinata in the first place, for never having ever even met him to begin with, but Kageyama hated the hypothetical person he could have become otherwise; a lonely, sad excuse for a man, resentful and miserable for all of his days. Hinata had been the one to pull Kageyama by the hand out of his own spiral of bitterness and self-loathing; it had been Hinata who taught him of his own humanity, and it was Hinata who had taught him how to open himself up to another human being. It was Hinata who had taught the bitter and jaded Kageyama Tobio, a lonely king atop his mountain of isolation, how to love. Without Hinata, Karasuno would have just been a repeat of Kitagawa, and he would have been spinning around on that endlessly looping track of misery forever.

But still, if Kageyama had known what agony his love for Hinata would bring to him, it would have been just the perfect excuse for his past self to shut Hinata out entirely.

_But didn’t part of me always want to be the one to stand beside him?_

He’d been doomed from the start.

Kageyama had grown up alone, and everything had been just _fine_ then. He wasn’t sure when everything had gone so wrong - but then again, that wasn’t true, was it? It had always been like this. But he’d still survived, had he not?

He could learn to live without Hinata. He could find that strength within himself once more--

_It’s not strength._

\--and he could bury every aspect of himself that made him vulnerable all over again and lock it all away deep inside of himself, pushing it right back into the dark where it belonged. Rather than hide his weaknesses, he’d dismantle them altogether, he just--

_It’s cowardice!_

\--He just needed some time.

Hinata would grant him no such luxury. After calling another two times, Kageyama’s phone lit up with a text message.

Hinata

Are u avoiding me????

Kageyama didn’t know why this message out of all of them would sting, but it did. Maybe it was some distant sympathy from a time he’d tried to reach out to the only person he’d ever thought he could trust, just to be violently rejected. So, he replied.

Kageyama

no

Just seconds later, he received another response.

Hinata

im in ur yard! let me in

come onnnn it's new years

can’t we just talk :(

He just kept spamming texts. Groaning, Kageyama had sat up to stare in the mirror as his phone buzzed and buzzed. His jaw was still yellow with the residual bruising from Hinata’s punch, and he looked like he’d not slept in days, hair mussed and bags under his eyes.

He'd just have to go tell Hinata off himself. He knew then that in order to protect them both he was going to have to hurt Hinata badly, worse than anything he’d already done up until that point. How else could he make him stay away?

_Here goes nothing, because I’ve_ got _nothing left to lose now._

Heading downstairs, Kageyama paused to take a deep breath before he hesitantly opened his front door, looking around back and forth. It was already dusk - Kageyama had managed to spend another full day just drifting in and out of consciousness as he laid on his bed and spaced out. He would bounce a volleyball up and down in his hands now and then, but it did little to put his mind at ease when he couldn’t help but associate it all with Hinata - everything in his life revolved around Hinata in some way or another. It had been Hinata who had revived his love of the sport. Everything always fell back on him.

Looking around, Hinata was nowhere in sight, until he suddenly was. He practically materialized out of thin air, abruptly leaping up onto the porch in front of Kageyama as he rounded the corner or the house. Kageyama couldn’t help but recoil backwards in surprise, bracing himself against the door frame when that horrifically intense gaze of Hinata’s pierced him. Being under the scrutiny of that look that would overtake Hinata’s features whenever his determination would peel back into focus had always made Kageyama shiver, and this time was no exception. They just stared at each other for a long moment, Hinata’s eyes flicking downwards to his jaw, face twisting up with guilt before he seemed to steel himself, bracing himself and lifting an prosecutory finger to point at Kageyama.

"You've been avoiding me!" Hinata accused.

Kageyama steeled himself in return. "No I haven't," he retorted, summoning an aura of nonchalance.

"Don't lie to me! You haven't come over to my house and you haven't been responding to my texts!"

"I've been busy."

"What's your _problem?_ "

"What's _your_ problem?" Kageyama hissed back, feigned disinterest disintegrating quickly, because of course Kageyama had never been a good liar or actor. He desperately tried to stuff down his guilt when Hinata flinched back with a look of hurt. _Don’t reach out_ , he reminded himself. _Push him away_. "Is it so weird to want some alone time?"

"Yes, it is, because it's _unusual_ for you! You've been coming over nearly every day for months! Did something happen? Is it because I punched you--"

"No! Everything's fine!" Kageyama cut him off.

_End it._

"Why are you being so weird then? I was just worried!"

"Well, no one asked you to worry about me!” Kageyama growled back. “I don't need your-- your _pity--_ "

"Pity? Pity about _what--_ We're _friends!_ Why would I pity you?"

_Friends! What a joke!_

"No one was around to worry about me when I was a kid. I don't need anyone's worry now, either. I've always been _fine_ on my own," Kageyama lied through his teeth, willing himself and failing to believe it.

"How is that fine? What on earth are you even talking about?" Hinata was staring back at him wide eyed, but Kageyama couldn’t meet his gaze anymore.

Kageyama stuffed down his growing sense of guilt as well as his desperation. Hinata looked-- he looked as distraught as Kageyama felt. "No one-- no one needs to care about me. I don't need it."

"Dummy.” Hinata smiled weakly at him, the expression looking forced and sad, yet despite everything, his eyes were still overflowing with affection. “I don't care whether or not you think you need it. _I_ care about you. So can we please just talk about this without yelling at each other?" Hinata pleaded.

And of _course_ Hinata wanted to fix everything, of _course_ he wouldn’t just let Kageyama go without a fight. Kageyama could see how hard Hinata was trying to get through to him, and he could feel it within himself, too - desperately, he wanted to reach out in turn, but he just couldn’t. He wouldn’t let himself. 

_Hold it back._ "That's not--! I don't--..."

"Kageyama. What's _wrong._ "

His resolve was crumbling. "I can't do this right now."

_Don’t give in!_

"Kageyama. I'm here for you, you know?"

"Yeah, I know. Because we're _friends_ , right?" Kageyama spat venomously. He could hear the hurt overflowing out and right into his voice. "And friends just have to be in each other's space all the time. Friends have to share _everything_ with each other. Friends have to make everything _difficult!_ "

Kageyama watched as Hinata’s face fell in a mixture of surprise and dismay at the outburst, but then his eyebrows tensed with determination. Before Kageyama even knew what was happening, Hinata had slipped right under his arm and bolted into the house. Kageyama whipped around in horror, staring bewildered at Hinata as he turned back to make eye contact, face set in defiance.

"What the fuck--!" Kageyama rounded on him, "--are you doing!"

"You're being really weird and really, really mean!" Hinata wailed. "I don't know what's gotten into you but I'm not leaving until I find out!"

Kageyama fought back a wave of trepidation. Hinata was in his house, in his _space_ , and he didn’t know how he was going to get him out. He was trying so desperately to hold himself back, and he could feel all of his emotions threatening to spill over and the unspoken words about to flood outwards. "I'm gonna beat your sorry ass to a pulp if you don't get out of my house _right fucking now--_ " He shouted furiously, panic lacing the edges of his voice.

“No!” Hinata howled back, bolting up the stairs. Kageyama cursed, slamming his front door shut harder than necessary before following hot on Hinata’s trail.

Hinata had ran straight for his room and tried to shut the door in his face, but Kageyama flung it open with ease, bowling Hinata right over and onto the floor. He stooped down, grabbing Hinata right by the shirt collar to lift him right up close until they were face-to-face, Hinata staring back with watery eyes alight with terror.

"And what," Kageyama hissed under his breath, "do you think you're doing? Did you think you could hide in _my_ house?"

Hinata began speaking so quickly that Kageyama could barely keep up. "You've been avoiding me--... I'm sorry! I didn't mean--... sorry that I hit you, you were just--... yes you're right I'm stupid and I--... I want to fix it because--... important to me and--... scared you hate me and don't want me around anymore--...go away if you want me to--... want things to be normal again because _I miss you--_ "

Kageyama jerked away, leaving Hinata to fall back down to the ground with a heavy sob. He couldn’t meet Hinata’s eyes anymore when he was pleading so desperately in earnest; Kageyama could see how much it pained him to speak the words that he clearly didn't want to say. His eyes were silently begging Kageyama to accept him, to let him in. Kageyama swallowed thickly, stumbling back to sit down heavily, running a hand through his hair. Hinata was nearly in tears, wiping at his face desperately as if that would help him now. Truthfully, Kageyama was starting to think he was about to start crying, too. He couldn’t allow himself to cry, not now - if he did, he would never be able to stop.

_Don't you get it? Nothing can ever be normal again! Why don’t you_ understand?

He tried to call back his anger, but he just couldn’t. Watching poor pitiful Hinata doing his best to stay strong and not cry was just too much - it was like watching a mirror image of himself. All Kageyama could feel anymore was exhaustion weighing heavy on his shoulders.

“...You missed me?” Kageyama eventually asked, raising his head to look at Hinata again.

Hinata sighed, relief washing over his face as he glanced back up, eyes brimming with a hope that just made Kageyama’s stomach twist up. " _Yes_ , oh my god. I thought-- I was so scared that you weren't going to talk to me anymore. All I've wanted for days is to just see you again, or to talk to you at the very least." His eyes were so full of that trademark sincerity, but it was just making Kageyama feel sick. "Are you okay, though? I've been so worried-- and here you are giving me crap about being on your own. You think I'd just leave you like that?"

_You said it yourself that you were going to, didn’t you?_ Kageyama thought sourly.

"Well, you were going to leave me eventually," is what Kageyama settled on.

"Oh my god. Kageyama, no." Hinata choked out a snotty little laugh, but his expression didn’t match it at all. "I didn't mean to freak you out, I didn't, honest. I'm not-- I'm not going to leave you. Maybe-- maybe we won't be going to the same school, but you seriously thought I was just gonna abandon you? I thought you knew me better than that."

Kageyama couldn’t help the sneer that overtook his features. Couldn't Hinata just make up his damn mind? "Because I'm your _best friend,_ right?"

"Yes! Yes, you are." Hinata sniffled, doing his best to force out a smile. "You're so important to me! I'll always be here. Even if we're not face to face. I promise I’ll always be your friend."

_You’re fucking kidding me. You broke into my house for_ this? _You really_ do _want me to cry, don’t you? How cruel._

"I'm that important to you?"

"Um, yes? Of course?"

What had he expected? He probably should have just been happy with that, but Kageyama just couldn't find it in himself. It wasn't like he was ever going to be important to Hinata in the way he wanted to be. Kageyama actually laughed in response to this, an empty sound that he hoped would clear the tight feeling from his throat, but alas, it did not. "I really, really don't want to hear that from you right now."

"Huh?" Hinata just blinked back in confusion.

"If you can't figure it out on your own, that's not my problem."

_Can we please just stop this now? I’m so tired._

"But-- Huh?! _Yes_ it _is!_ I just--... Why won't you talk to me? Can't you just say what's on your mind? You know you can tell me anything. We're--"

"Don't say it." _Don’t say it! I get it! I know! Please--_

"We're _friends!_ ” The words pierced Kageyama right through the chest like a knife. “What's the matter with you? Are you saying we're not? Because that's awful. I'm gonna keep being your friend whether you want me to or not, you-- you jerk!"

_I’m going to cry. I’m really going to cry in front of him._ "I really, really don't want to hear that from you," Kageyama repeated again, barely able to even hear himself. Hinata had opened his mouth again to speak, but when Kageyama looked up to stare back at him, there must have been some terrible look in his eyes that halted all of Hinata’s thoughts because he just closed his mouth again slowly in turn without saying a word.

"You're so stupid, Hinata," Kageyama said with what he almost could have mistaken for a small laugh, sighing defeatedly as he stared back down at his feet. After a moment, he spoke once again. "Listen. You want to talk, right?” He took a deep breath, trying to call back on the fleeting steel he’d summoned forth before, but the fury had abandoned him and all that was left in its place was despair. His words sounded choked to his own ears. “Fine, then. Let's talk."

_Let's just get it all over with already._

The words were met with silence. And so it was, after a long stretch of neither of them speaking at all, that Hinata was the one to take the plunge.

"Kageyama. What do I keep doing wrong? I need you to tell me. I'm sorry I'm not smart enough to read between the lines, and I'm sorry I don't understand. I need you to spell it out really, really simply. _Please._ "

Kageyama looked up at him, almost startled by the desperation in his voice. _What do_ you _keep doing wrong? You haven’t done anything! This is--_

"It's... listen, Hinata. I'm just--” 

_This is my fault._

He took a long, deep breath. “I'm frustrated, okay?" He choked out, voice coming out harder than what he would have liked. He forced in yet another breath and tried to relax, but he just couldn't. "It's not your fault for not understanding or sensing that. To me... to me, it was obvious, but that's because I was the one feeling it. It was... wrong of me to expect that of you. So I'm sorry."

He had Hinata’s full attention now. Kageyama paused to swallow. Truly, there was nothing at all left to lose. The least he could do was give Hinata some closure.

And so it was that Kageyama explained. "You... you said that you couldn't stand on your own without me, a long time ago. You said it again recently, too. You were talking about volleyball, but I... I took it to mean... something that you clearly hadn't meant it to. Somewhere along the way, I became reliant on you. I thought you were reliant on me, too. But I was wrong. So I lashed out.” He laughed softly. “I'm not a good person. Sorry." Kageyama offered up a weak half-smile that shook at the edges.

He kept going when Hinata couldn't find the words to respond. _Please say something._ "When you said we'd go our separate ways, and you wanted me to go - part of me kind of hoped you'd ask me to stay with you. Which is stupid," Kageyama went on. "But I took it as... as if you were saying you don't need me anymore. You-- you're gonna find some new setter to toss to you, because I'll be gone. You'll make new friends. But I'm not like that. I'm not _likable_ like you are. I don't _know_ how to stand on my own, not anymore. I'd been fine for fifteen years, but then you came along. And now that I know what it's like-- what it was like to have you... I don't want to be any other way. But you don't need me the same way that-- that I need you." The words felt like they were sticking in Kageyama's throat. "And you don't _want_ me like-- Like I--..."

_Like I want you,_ is what Kageyama did not have the guts to say out loud despite everything else he’d just confessed. _I have never in my life wanted anything as badly as I want to be with you._

Kageyama exhaled shakily, abandoning the rest of that sentence when he tried again. "I've known it all along. I know it's not my place to be angry. It's not you. You didn't do anything wrong, Hinata, it was all me. I'm angry at _myself._ So sorry if I'm a little bit _pissed off,_ and sorry if I'm a little bit _distanced._ I'm just... I'm just trying to prepare myself as best as I can so it doesn't wreck the _shit_ out of me when you leave."

And finally, there came the tears, dripping out and pouring down Kageyama's face where they felt with the faintest little _plip plops_ onto his sweatpants. Kageyama felt humiliated, but he was too tired to even be angry at himself anymore. He’d been holding it all in for so long - more than just the feelings from the past few months, it felt like an amalgamation of all of the rejection he’d faced throughout his whole life. He just couldn’t hold himself back anymore. Hinata had broken his walls down to rubble, and now he couldn’t even build them back up.

Hinata suddenly barreled into Kageyama, wrapping him up in a hug.

"Don't cry, Kageyama!" Hinata cried out, squeezing Kageyama in a gesture that Kageyama figured Hinata thought was supposed to be soothing. "I'm sorry! I didn’t know that--... that you..." Hinata trailed off.

Hinata’s body was so warm and comforting, but Kageyama could find no true solace there whatsoever. Everything that he’d ever wanted was so close in that moment, but still so far out of reach, and it just felt cruel. "I'm not-- I'm not crying!" Kageyama sobbed, countering his own point right as he said it. "Just-- Get away from me! I can't _take this anymore._ " With that, he shoved Hinata backwards and off of him where he stumbled back and fell heavy onto the floor.

The tears were relentless, seeming to pour out of Kageyama’s eyes with no end. He tried to sniffle back the snot that came with them, knowing that he must look gross and disgusting and downright pathetic. Maybe that would be what would finally push Hinata away - Kageyama could only hope.

"You're so... you're so fucking annoying," Kageyama said again after a pause, willing his voice to hold steady. "You're always shoving yourself into my space! Everywhere I go, I can't get away from you. You piss me off! You drive me fucking insane. I can't stand being around you!" Kageyama could feel the tears stinging in his eyes, bringing his hands up to wipe at his face, but the more he tried to brush them away, the more that came to fill the empty space. He swallowed back a hiccup and then another, blearily able to see through the tears that Hinata was staring at him in horror, looking more and more crestfallen with every passing moment. Kageyama could hardly breathe - he tried to suck back the snot with a loud sniffle, but he still had to resort to breathing heavy out of his mouth. He didn’t think he had ever felt so pathetic and pitiful in his whole life. "I'm seriously at my fucking limit," he all but wailed.

"Kageyama--"

_For FUCK’S SAKE--_

"Shut _UP!_ " Kageyama screeched back at him, throwing his arms out to the side so hard that his elbow snapped. Hinata flinched back, mouth just hanging open and tears in his eyes, although there was a strange glinting in his eyes, too; something that made him think that Hinata had just had some weird sort of revelation. Still, Kageyama felt _sick._ "Just... _shut up_. Please," he repeated, softer this time. " _Idiot_. You're making it worse, so just... _Stop._ I’m begging you."

Hinata sat back and stared down at his feet, eyes still watering as Kageyama tried to collect himself, wiping his nose on the inside of his elbow and sniffling. He wondered if Hinata was happy now - he’d gotten his breakdown, what more could he possibly want? Rubbing his eyes, Kageyama cast his own gaze downwards.

No, that wasn’t true. Kageyama’s shoulders deflated. Of course Hinata wasn’t happy. Kageyama wasn’t the only one losing the most important person in his life right now.

_I can’t just leave it like this. I just-- for once in my life, I want to do one good thing. I want to do just_ one _good thing for him._

Kageyama sucked in a deep breath and drew on every last ounce of strength he had left in his body, refusing to meet Hinata’s eyes. He knew then that if he were to look up to meet that pleading and desperate gaze, if he were to waver for even an instant, he would lose every last shred of resolve he’d summoned forth. He could do it - he had to. He would take responsibility for once in his life. He’d put in the effort, going forth. He’d fix it all as best as he could, even if nothing would ever be the same ever again.

"From now on-- from now on, I'll be good. I'll be so good." Kageyama spoke with a tiny little sob, pausing to take a heavy breath in. In his periphery, he saw Hinata raise his head to look at him. "I'll be good. And I'll toss to you whenever you want, okay?" He forced himself to say it with a smile.

Hinata was just staring back, eyebrows knit together in confusion. "Kageyama..." He began, but Kageyama cut him off before he could continue.

_This is it._

"I'll smile at you when I see you. I'll congratulate your accomplishments. When you get your acceptance letter, we'll celebrate it."

_Because if I can’t do this now, I won’t be able to hold myself back anymore._

Hinata’s eyes were growing wide, but Kageyama just pushed on.

"If you choose to date someone then I'll be happy for you."

"Kageyama." Hinata tried to interrupt him again, but Kageyama didn't stop.

_This is the only way. I’m sorry, but this is all I can do._

"I'll be good."

" _Kageyama!_ "

"We'll play on the team, we'll keep doing the quick. We'll get to nationals. I'll make sure you're invincible, just like I promised. And... we'll be teammates - no, partners - as we always have." Kageyama ploughed onward even when Hinata called out to him again in desperation.

"Kageyama, _please--!_ "

"I'll keep being your best friend. I'll stay by your side."

"Please--" Hinata’s voice was rising higher and higher with every desperate plea. Kageyama was acutely aware of the ever-growing distance between the two of them, the guilt threatening to swallow him whole. 

_This is my fault. I have to do this. It’s the only way, please understand._

"I'll be good, right up until we graduate. And then that'll be it. We'll go--"

" _Stop,_ Kageyama--"

_I never wanted to hurt you. I really did love you, I did, I really did, and for that, I could never even begin to apologize enough._

"--We'll go our separate ways, and I won't... I won't burden you with-- With these feelings. That’ll be it."

_And this-- this will be the last time that I love you. I promise you, this is the last time. I’m sorry. I promise I’ll fix it, but until then..._

Kageyama could no longer hold himself back, a sob ripping its way out of his throat as Hinata’s eyes came alight with intrepidence and an unwavering resolve all of his own.

_This is really it._

Despite his internal protests to take it all back, he forced the rest of the words out with one final breath.

_It's over now. Goodbye, Hinata. I... I loved you._

"I’ll be gone forever, you won't ever have to see me again--"

" _TOBIO!!_ "

Hinata's shriek broke through and out into the empty room. As the echo of it bounced off of the walls, reverberating until it had filled his head and pushed out every last remaining thought, Kageyama’s heart came to a standstill. He raised his head in shock to meet what had to be the most fierce and intense gaze he had ever seen on Hinata, sharpened by determination as he heaved out panting breaths, screeching out all over again;

" _STOP IT! That’s ENOUGH!!_ "

Silence descended upon them as Kageyama stared back, gaping. He couldn’t even blink - his eyes were completely trained on Hinata’s every move, his own body pinned in place by Hinata's piercing stare alone.

_He--… he said my_ name.

"Kageyama, no - Tobio, _listen to me._ " Hinata lunged forward and began to crawl his way over towards Kageyama, rapidly growing closer. Kageyama instinctually scrambled back and away until he hit the frame of his bed, but before he could turn away to escape, Hinata was surging forward to cage him in, towering over him. Kageyama shrunk back in terror.

_Too close. He’s too close._

"Listen to me, Kageyama," Hinata repeated. "I'm about to do something. I'm about to do something, and in the case that I've completely misunderstood this situation and I've gotten this all very, _very_ wrong, I want you to shove me off of you with all of your power. Push me away and I’ll leave your house immediately." Hinata licked his lips, and Kageyama’s eyes immediately moved to watch the motion as Hinata’s tongue swiped over his bottom lip. He couldn’t breathe.

_He’s way, way,_ way _too close!_

Hinata continued on, seemingly unaware of the internal crisis that Kageyama was facing. "If that happens, that... that thing I just told you to do, we will continue on as normal, going forward. When we meet up again for school, everything will be perfectly normal and _fine_. We'll do all of that stuff you just said. I'll be your best friend. We'll forget all of... this. Right up until we graduate. From there, we can go our separate ways. You won't have to see me anymore. Do you understand?"

Kageyama could hardly even really recognize what was being asked of him. All he could focus on was the body heat that was radiating outward from Hinata, the way his throat bobbed and twitched when he spoke, the lilt of his voice. Hinata gulped again, licking his lips, and that was when Kageyama suddenly felt hands grazing the sides of his body, and his perception of the moment seemed to multiply until the world around him was glistening and sharp, and Hinata was all he could see. _I’m going to drown!_ Kageyama panicked inside of his own mind, throwing himself forward in an attempt to escape. "You--! You don't--" Kageyama gasped out in a panic, meeting Hinata’s bewildered eyes.

Kageyama could not keep it together a second longer, his voice crumbling to pieces as it all came rushing forward. "Don't you get it, Hinata!?” He tried to choke back the words, he tried to swallow them down, he tried, he tried, he’d _tried_ so hard but he just _couldn’t--_

_I can’t hold it back anymore! Hinata--_

Kageyama squeezed his eyes shut as the words tore out from his throat against his will, unable to be held back for a single second longer.

"Hinata, I _love y--"_

Kageyama’s declaration was cut short by the feeling of Hinata grabbing him by the arms to pull him forward and smash their lips together, and all at once, everything went still as the world stopped.

Hinata’s lips were soft and smooth against his own, but Kageyama was having trouble connecting the sensation to his brain. He felt Hinata shift against him and the pressure against their noses dissipating as he corrected the collision, but Kageyama still didn’t understand. He couldn’t make his body move at all. Hinata pulled back for a moment, opening his eyes and tilting his head to hum at him, the noise echoing strangely inside of Kageyama’s head. Kageyama blinked, and then blinked again - he was still there. _Both_ of them were. Kageyama thought he could feel himself falling for a brief moment as his surroundings blurred and faded out, but then Hinata was wrapping a hand around his back to hold him steady and ground him, the other one running up his neck and around to the back of his neck to comb through his hair, leaving goosebumps in its wake. Then Hinata leaned back in, eyes looking back at him softly before they fluttered shut slowly and stayed closed, and it was then that Kageyama’s hazily drifting mind came to settle on an old and cherished sentiment that they’d shared without words long ago;

_Do what you will with me_ , Hinata had just said with his eyes in the shared language of their cats. _Do what you will,_ _because I know you will only ever touch me kindly._

Hinata slotted his mouth once more against Kageyama’s, albeit much more gently that time, and Kageyama could feel the plushness of Hinata’s bottom lip between his own. They were soft and gentle and unlike anything that Kageyama had ever felt before, and through it all, through the fog of confusion, through the wake of the feelings that had all stuttered to a halt and the overstimulating sensation of Hinata gingerly pecking at his lips as he held Kageyama so carefully, one fact stood out above them all--...

Hinata’s lips, his hands, his heart--... they were all _kind_.

Hinata had always, always, _always_ been good, right there all along, and it was only then that finally, _finally_ , Kageyama understood.

The despair melted away and Kageyama felt his body liquefy as the tension left him, tilting his head to the side to draw Hinata’s lips further into his own, opening his mouth to part them wider and deepen their kiss. Hinata responded instantly as his arms squeezed tighter around him as if to welcome him back to the world of the living, tilting his own head as well in an open invitation. Hinata's lips were so warm and so gentle in their movements as they worked rhythmically against Kageyama's own, and through his stuttering and stalled out thoughts, it occurred to Kageyama after a lengthy delay of several seconds that he was actually _kissing_ Hinata, and Hinata was kissing him _back._

The world faded back in around him quietly as Kageyama squeezed Hinata close to his body, arms enveloping him and drawing him in deeper than he’d ever allowed anyone.

It wasn’t deep _enough_ \- Kageyama wanted more. He pushed Hinata off of him and onto the floor before swooping in after him, caging him in on both sides. He hadn’t been sure what exactly was happening up until then, but when he caught sight of Hinata’s face falling when Kageyama shoved him back, he recognized it instantly; it was an expression made in response to a feeling he had come to know well, that terrible face of rejection. Seeing Hinata’s beautiful features contorted in such a tragic expression, Kageyama didn’t want Hinata to have to look like that for even a single second longer.

_I’ll just have to prove to him just how much he means to me. I won’t ever give him a reason to make a face like that ever again._

Kageyama leaned back in again and slotted his lips right back up against Hinata's where he felt rather than saw Hinata's body relax. Experimentally, Kageyama ran the tip of his tongue over Hinata’s bottom lip, amazed when Hinata opened his mouth to him with no hesitation. He slipped his tongue into Hinata’s mouth tentatively, fighting a full body shiver when Hinata swiped his tongue right back and over Kageyama’s with equally matched intensity. Hinata’s hands came to rest on Kageyama’s face gingerly, thumbs rubbing soft circles against his cheekbones. Licking further into his mouth, Hinata was completely open to any and all of Kageyama’s ministrations, offering himself up to Kageyama to allow him to do whatever he wanted. Hinata was so reactive, too, teeny tiny noises escaping his mouth at every turn, shivering and trembling underneath Kageyama. He tasted sweet and oh so soft, and of all of the things to pop up into his mind at such a time, Kageyama found his mind drifting out and away to breezy summer days spent in June eating soft serve ice cream in the shade with the wind ruffling his hair. Kageyama moved his hands to run through Hinata’s own hair, always so airy and fluffy, and before he even knew what had happened, he found his chest falling into Hinata’s as his elbows gave out.

Hinata groaned hard, the sound vibrating into his whole mouth. Kageyama couldn’t stop the keen that escaped him either as his body seemed to grow weak and hard to control, losing the feeling in his toes. Hinata’s arms moved to wrap around his neck, pulling him in closer, leaving Kageyama no choice but to tilt his head further into their kiss, allowing him even deeper access which he took full advantage of. Moving his hands down, he took note of the vacancy across Hinata’s chest where his arms had been lifted up and away to hug Kageyama as close as possible.

_Is this allowed? Am I-- am I allowed to give it all back this time? Would he accept me?_

Carefully, Kageyama grazed his hands up the sides of Hinata’s rib cage, fingertips feather light as they dragged against the fabric of his shirt where they came to rest upon his chest. Hinata’s breath hitched hard and his back arched into the touch, much to Kageyama’s simultaneous surprise and amazement, his arms squeezing tighter around him. Hinata was gasping out, and Kageyama pulled back just slightly, opening his eyes to stare back at him.

Hinata’s chest was heaving as he caught his breath, still holding Kageyama as close as he could, eyes closed as if opening them would just be too much for him to handle at that moment. After a long few moments, his eyelids fluttered open to reveal his unfocused and blurry gaze, Kageyama's own eyes catching on those fully dilated pupils as Hinata stared back. Hinata opened his mouth, likely to try to say something to him, but all that he was able to push out was a groan. Kageyama’s cheeks flushed as Hinata continued to stare back at him, eyes half-lidded and pleading, and Kageyama truly thought in that moment that his heart was going to explode with the way it was trying to beat its way out of his chest.

"Say my name again. Like you-- like you did before," Kageyama breathed out.

The pleading look in Hinata’s eyes multiplied tenfold. "Nngh--" was all that Hinata was able to groan out.

Kageyama pulled back slowly to get a better look at Hinata. He looked thoroughly disheveled, bleary eyes unfocused, mouth gaping open with a tiny amount of both Hinata’s as well as Kageyama’s spit running down his chin, the sight translating into heat which pooled deep within Kageyama’s stomach.

“Hinata,” Kageyama said again, voice sounding muffled to his own ears, as if he were speaking underwater.

“Kageyama--” Hinata gasped out.

"No. My _name,_ Hinata. Say my _name._ " Kageyama was nearly begging.

Hinata’s eyes widened as it clicked together in his mind. “Tobio,” he rasped.

Kageyama let out a breath he didn’t know that he’d been holding. “Again,” he breathed, surging forward to get his mouth back on Hinata’s, licking up the mess trailing down his chin while he was at it.

“Tobio,” Hinata said again when Kageyama pulled back just a fraction.

Kageyama gathered Hinata up all over again, kissing him hard on the mouth followed by a few swift pecks to the lips.

"Tobio,” Hinata said wherever there was space for him to get the words out. Kageyama moved off of his lips, trailing the kisses across his jaw and over towards his neck. “Tobio... Tobio, I love you--"

Kageyama's stomach rolled over at the words, nearly sending him spiraling. He'd never expected that _anyone_ would ever be able to say those words to him, let alone that one person he'd always wanted to hear them from the most. Kageyama sucked hard on Hinata’s neck as a method to ground himself as he rode out the dizziness and the butterflies, running his tongue across Hinata’s pulse point, nicking it gently with his teeth like he’d always wanted to do. Hinata’s body tasted sweet all over, and as he lapped at the tiny amount of sweat that was beginning to dampen Hinata’s skin, he felt it all moving south. Pulling back slightly, Kageyama stared down at Hinata. He looked like he had completely checked out of existence, still heaving out his breaths with his eyes shut, just barely able to keep his hold around Kageyama’s shoulders.

_He’s so sensitive,_ Kageyama thought to himself in fascination. _I-- I want more. I want my hands all over him, I want him under me--_

Kageyama scooped Hinata up into his arms, carrying him bridal style over to his own bed where he placed him down against the sheets before hopping up back on top of him to straddle his hips.

"Say that again. Say you love me. Please,” he whispered, watching intently, unable to tear his eyes away.

"I love you, Tobio."

Kageyama felt the hair on his arms stand up in the most delightful way possible as he stared back at Hinata. "Again," he pleaded desperately - no matter how many times he said it, Kageyama just couldn't get enough. The more that Hinata said it, the more that Kageyama wanted him to tell him again over and over.

"I love you. I'm _in_ love with you,” Hinata gasped out, the words heady, but with them Kageyama found that his mouth had run dry. "I’m in love with you. I have been for-- mmph, for a while.” Kageyama leaned down to kiss Hinata on the throat again, necking up under his jaw because facing Hinata just then when he was offering up everything that Kageyama had ever hoped for and more while staring back at him with that sweet and honest face was just too much for him to handle at the moment. “I always hoped I’d be able to tell you one day." Hinata continued relentlessly, causing Kageyama's stomach to roll over again in somersaults. "I just-- I want-- mmh..." Kageyama dragged his teeth against the expanse of skin that covered Hinata’s throat, following it with a lick, mesmerized as the muscles shifted under his tongue when Hinata gulped. Kageyama was quickly learning that he definitely had a thing for Hinata’s neck.

Those words were doing strange things to him. The relief and the happiness that Kageyama was feeling was making him feel almost faint. Hinata’s hands were absentmindedly running up and across Kageyama’s body, the trails blazing hot in their wake.

_He’s touching every part of me so kindly. Places on my body that have only ever been pulverized, he treats so delicately. He’s gentle. He holds me like--_

Kageyama felt his body grow weak all over again as his arms struggled to keep him elevated.

_He holds me like he_ cares.

“How long?” Kageyama couldn’t help but ask, wanting more, more, _more._

He listened with bated breath as Hinata told him, and to his astonishment--

"Nh-- before we found the cats. Back when I started asking you all of those weird questions. I liked you then. Loved you more every day. I'm sorry, I really am. But I’ve loved you all along."

That last statement echoed infinitely inside of Kageyama’s head.

_“I’ve loved you all along.”_

All along. Right from the beginning; it had been a constant right from then, unwavering in its intensity. All along, Hinata had been there right by his side, ever perseverant, drawing on a seemingly endless supply of patience as he waited for Kageyama to figure out his own feelings. _All along,_ Hinata had been drawing Kageyama up and out of his shell methodically, proving time and time again that everything he’d ever said had been true - that he was safe when he was with Hinata, that Hinata was always going to be there, that Kageyama truly mattered to him.

_You really have been my partner in all things this whole time, haven't you?_

It was all okay. The feelings inside of him, all of the things he’d so desperately tried to keep hidden away and buried, it was all _okay_ \- Kageyama could finally let it all out. He could touch Hinata all that he wanted, he could love him until his heart gave out, he could give Hinata back everything he wanted and more, because the feelings were evenly matched; Hinata felt everything that Kageyama felt for him.

_He_ sees _me._

Kageyama kissed Hinata long and heavy right under his ear, his new favourite spot to nuzzle up and into, especially with the way that Hinata was running his fingers through Kageyama’s hair so softly. Hinata had truly loved him right from the beginning; he'd just been waiting for Kageyama to catch up, always so encouraging and composed, understanding that he needed to take his time with Kageyama and move slowly, _carefully_ at Kageyama’s pace rather than Hinata’s own. Hinata had been waiting and biding that time, expecting nothing in return from Kageyama at all for all of his trouble, but hoping and hoping just the same that maybe, just maybe, one day, Kageyama would see him in turn.

So it was with a heart so full of adoration and love - adoration and love that he could _finally_ act on - that Kageyama was finally able to speak the words that he’d always wanted to say more than anything else. Getting them out was the hard part when he felt like his tongue was too heavy to move and that his lips wouldn't respond, as if even right to the very end, they'd fought to keep it all buried. 

_But it's okay now. It's all finally okay, and I-- I don't have to hide anything anymore. There’s nothing left to be afraid of._

All of the feelings, _everything_ \- he’d never have to hide any of it away _ever again._

And suddenly, the heaviness vanished up and out of him and right into thin air, and Kageyama didn't think he'd ever felt so weightless and free.

"I love you, Shouyou." The words rolled off of his tongue softly, choked with feeling that he knew without a doubt that Hinata would feel. He pulled back just slightly to watch as Hinata’s face shifted and his eyes watered, a shaky smile blossoming out and onto his face, and despite the tears that threatened to slip out of his eyes, Kageyama thought that he'd never seen Hinata look happier than he did right there in that moment.

"Come here, Tobio," Hinata begged in the smallest voice Kageyama had ever heard from him. “Please, come here.”

Kageyama knew it then;

_I am worthy of love; I am and always have been. Worthy of receiving, and more than that--..._

Kageyama obliged, allowing himself to feel the moment in its entirety as he fell heavy against Hinata, drawing him in close so that he could made good on all of those confessions he’d just spoken, and he resolved right then and there that he would prove to Hinata that he loved him more than anything else in the world.

_I am worthy to feel and give this love back freely for the rest of my life._

And give it all back he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is literally just Chapters 11&12 from the previous story but from Kageyama’s perspective. Originally I'd wanted to avoid as much crossover dialogue in this "sequel" as I could, but there was no way around it this time sadly. Hope it wasn't overwhelmingly dull for readers who read the previous story, because this still happens to be the climax. Next up comes the epilogue where everything is wrapped up into a neat little bow! At least until the next one. Very excited for that. :)
> 
> No smut in this one, sorry. I considered it but I just sorta found it unnecessary for Kageyama's arc this time around, not to mention it would be quite redundant from last time. If you’re looking for smut then you either would have to go back and read the respective scene from the previous story again or wait until the next work in this series which, as of right now, has a smut scene that is currently at 10k alone. Just the smut. Because I literally cannot write in moderation at all. So, uh. Be ready for that? o-o;;; I’m actually really proud of that smut too, and as you guys know it’s pretty rare for me to be outright proud of my work (I’m very hard on myself), so… hope you guys will like it as well. XD I shallt gift thee with the longest smut scene ever. Soon… soon!
> 
> Anyways! Friday afternoon is when the last chapter of this story goes up. The next story after this is still a WIP, following Kageyama and Hinata a few months after the end of this one/the last one, but hopefully it won’t be very long until I can get it polished up and out. After that, I’m not sure what’ll come next. Maaaaybe I’ll write a story about Oikawa some day, maybe not? As for these two, I’m not sure. There’s definitely a lot of directions I could go and while I have ideas, as of right now I don’t have anything sufficient for another whole story, unless I feel like doing a few oneshots (hopefully real oneshots this time because every time I saaay something is gonna be a oneshot, it ends up having like ten chapters. ._.;; School is coming up for me again very soon, and at that point, I’ll probably be disappearing off of the face of the earth again. ;~; Working and doing school at the same time is a lot and my free time will essentially become nonexistent. Man, I’m gonna miss you guys! Maybe I’ll be back eventually, or maybe not, we’ll see in time. I’ve been so happy to cross paths with all of you, you’ve all been so wonderful. Thank you for taking the time to read my stories, I’ve loved sharing them with you. <3


	7. Epilogue

\- ♠️ -

Epilogue

On an overcast morning in April, meticulously spread out across Kageyama's bedroom desk sat one hundred carefully selected sunflower seeds that Kageyama had harvested from his and Hinata's shared sunflower.

Kageyama gingerly pushed the seeds before him together into a pile and then began to select the best of them from that pile until there were only seventy-five, and then once again until there were fifty, and one final time again until he had carefully identified and isolated the twenty-five absolute best seeds of all.

Bundling the painstakingly selected sunflower seeds into a drawstring bag so small that it looked dwarfed when sitting in the palm of his hand, Kageyama paused to stare out of his window into the damp springtime air. Today was the day that Kageyama had been dreading - the day where he would be leaving Hinata behind.

He’d been awarded a full sports scholarship at a school in Tokyo, while Hinata would be going to a school much closer to home. The cats would be staying with Hinata; Kageyama was going to be alone.

He’d placed the little pouch in his pocket and had met Hinata at the station. Standing there now hand in hand, Kageyama sucked in a deep breath.

He was on his way to _Tokyo_ \- it was his dream come true. He should have been happy. Somewhere, deep down, Kageyama was proud; he’d come so _far_. He knew that his grandfather would have been proud, but a bigger part of him couldn’t help but remind him over and over and over that the reasons he’d made it here at all fell back onto one person - a person who he’d soon be distanced from by miles upon miles, the inevitable separation drawing closer and closer with every minute that ticked by.

_Hinata Shouyou._

Because of course it was him. It always was, wasn’t it?

Kageyama could still recall waking up the morning after that night on New Year’s Day to be greeted by Hinata’s peacefully sleeping face. The early rays of the rising sun were bathing Kageyama’s bedside in a soft light, and he blinked away the moisture in his eyes sleepily, mouth opening wide in a lazy yawn. He felt warm and safe under his covers, the chill of the bitter winter winds as well as any thoughts of future separation seeming far away, and that was when he’d registered the warm and solid weight of Hinata snuggled up in his arms. Even when he was asleep, Hinata looked... _happy._

_Are you dreaming of me?_ Kageyama had wondered with a soft little smile, reaching over to brush his hand against Hinata's cheek, heart soaring when Hinata smiled in his sleep right back and buried himself further into Kageyama's pillows, taking a deep breath and melting right into the sheets. Looking closely under the barest wisps of sunlight that were beginning to filter in through the window, Kageyama could see that Hinata’s face was actually covered in an extremely fine dusting of lightly coloured freckles. He’d just stared in amazement, everything from the previous night coming back to him in full clarity, the memories alight with a vibrance and colour quality that he'd never quite experienced before.

Hinata was--... they were together now. Hinata was _his._

Hinata _loved_ him.

Kageyama couldn’t help but smile as he found himself completely overcome with emotion. Feeling wanted was an amazing thing, and if Hinata wanted him even a fraction of the amount that Kageyama wanted him, Kageyama could die a happy, happy man.

They’d talked about everything later that morning, too, when Hinata finally woke up; everything that hadn’t been said the night before. There would be no more misunderstandings going forward - it was finally all out in the open. Kageyama would never have to hold himself back ever again.

Hinata _loved him_. Even just the thought made Kageyama smile in the present - just a tiny little upwards turn of the lips, but finally, some of the weight began to lift from his shoulders. Hinata loved Kageyama just for who he was, nothing more, nothing less. There was no expectation for Kageyama to be anything special when he was with Hinata or to be anything he was not, no expectation to hide any parts of himself, because Hinata thought that just the fact that Kageyama existed at all was special enough in of itself. Hinata had proved time and again that he wouldn’t let Kageyama down, and Kageyama had overcome his mistrust of others as a result and had put full faith into Hinata. Thinking about it was allowing the ball of ice in Kageyama’s stomach to finally melt. He felt a bit better.

He could do this. The epitome of sunshine believed in him. _Loved him._

But leaving him behind to venture off into the unknown was still one of the hardest things Kageyama had ever done. He crunched the small pouch in his pocket involuntarily before letting it go quickly, careful to be mindful and not to damage any of the precious contents.

There had been a time where Kageyama had worried that to give back Hinata the seeds from their sunflower would be saying too much even without words, and even though he knew he would always be able to speak his mind freely to Hinata going forward with no fear of rejection or of driving him away, he still felt apprehensive about it. He wondered if Hinata would even understand the hidden meaning, but then again, Hinata was impressively perceptive when it came to Kageyama.

That sunflower had grown alongside them both. Hinata had given it to him as just a seedling bloom of affection, but it had been Kageyama who had risen to the occasion to care and cultivate it from there on out. Hinata had been the one to sow the seeds, but in the end, the growth had to come from Kageyama himself; Hinata couldn’t do it all for him. But still, Hinata had been the spark to that growth, nurturing that little seed until it could bloom of its own accord. Hinata had always been there for Kageyama to fall back on just the same, helping him along, always there to support him. _“I’m here,”_ Hinata had told him over and over again, meaning it with every fibre of his being every single time. Hinata cared for him; he’d been there all along, granting Kageyama his attention and his love right from the beginning.

And now, Kageyama wanted to return all of that care, return everything that Hinata had given to him and more.

_I want to grow alongside you. I want to grow these flowers with you forever. Will you stay with me? Will you wait? Would you start it all over again with these seeds I’ve given you? Will you grow them with me again and again and again for the rest of our lives?_

Kageyama knew he could voice those questions if he pleased; he knew he could say anything and Hinata would always be there to listen. He knew that Hinata would ponder his every word in earnest, always carefully considering everything that Kageyama could ever think of to say, but in all honesty, he didn’t quite feel ready to ask those questions just yet. Still, he knew that he needn’t use his voice to let Hinata know what he was thinking. Hinata _knew._

Kageyama knew it, too. He knew then that he _mattered_.

Kageyama allowed his mind to flash back to a sleepover spent at Hinata’s house back in late January. It was a night where they’d just stayed up late talking under the covers of Hinata’s bed in the dark after they’d just come home from a dinner they’d shared out, letting the time escape them by choice as they’d walked home out in the snow, frolicking and dancing under the light of the stars until the chill in their fingertips had finally prompted them to head home. Laying together in bed, they had been sharing earbuds and spooning their two purring cats between them as they laid facing each other hand in hand, and it was on that night that Hinata had told him something that had stuck with him.

They’d both gotten their acceptance letters. Kageyama had been accepted into Hinata’s school as well as a prestigious sports academy in Tokyo on a full scholarship, and yet…

“Where should I go?” Kageyama had asked him in a near whisper. “What should I do?”

Hinata knew of Kageyama's deeper and unspoken concerns without him even having to say it out loud. “Tobio," Hinata began, Kageyama's heart thumping harder in his chest. Hearing Hinata call him by his name still made his heart flutter. "I meant it when I said I want you to follow your dreams. I can’t make this choice for you.”

“But what if… if you’re a part of my…?” Kageyama trailed off before looking away, feeling embarrassed.

Hinata had actually laughed in response, reaching out and pulling Kageyama back by the chin to face him again. “Tobio, listen to me. This isn’t a choice between me and your dreams. Remember when I said I wasn’t going to leave? I’m not. I’m still going to be here.” Hinata moved his hands to gingerly cup Kageyama’s cheeks. “I love you, Tobio. I’m always going to want the best things for you. Even if we have to be separated for a while, we’re gonna come right back out on the other side better for it. Does that help?”

“What if… if I’m not good enough?” Kageyama asked in a small voice. “What then?”

Hinata took a deep breath, pondering the question for a long several moments. “You proved that you were good when you showed a willingness to improve. Tobio, no one could have asked for more. You’re human. Sometimes there is no right answer. You just have to ask yourself what’s important to you. What’s important to _me_ is that you’re happy.” 

Kageyama began to open his mouth to counter that Hinata was just as if not _more_ important to him than anything else, but Hinata hushed him before he could even speak. “Shoosh! Kind of in the middle of an inspirational speech here, and I’m not done." Hinata closed his eyes to take a deep breath before his eyelids flickered open again, meeting Kageyama's through the darkness. "Look, it’s gonna be hard, I won’t lie. It would hurt to be apart from you, but it’s only temporary. You have to think about what’s going to make you the happiest five years from now. I’m willing to put in the effort if you are. We’re gonna rise to the top together, remember?”

Kageyama lifted a hand to place over the top of Hinata’s, meeting his eyes under the light of the moon. With just a few words, Kageyama knew without a doubt what his choice had to be, even if it hurt. With the way Hinata's eyes softened in the dark, Kageyama could tell that he knew it just as well. “Yeah,” Kageyama rasped. “We will.”

_I’ll come back for you,_ Kageyama promised himself then as he buried his head up into Hinata’s chest, who wrapped his arms right around Kageyama’s shoulders like it was the easiest thing in the world. Kageyama cradled Hinata in his own arms in turn and brought him in as close as he possibly could. Slowly, the two of them settled down and began to drift off into unconsciousness, Hinata’s music playing through their shared earbuds being nearly drowned out by the sounds of purring and Hinata’s heart beating steadily against Kageyama’s ear.

_No matter how far apart we end up, I’ll always find my way back to you in the end._

Kageyama made a point to commit every sensation and feeling in that moment right into his memory, storing it away behind lock and key as a recollection that he would not let him forget anytime soon. Still, Kageyama couldn’t help but find himself drawn into the song playing off of Hinata’s phone; it was a pleasant tune that he’d never heard, but it followed his tastes just the same. He figured Hinata must have found it from perusing Kageyama’s own playlists and searching through the recommended songs, yet as he drifted off into unconsciousness, the song stuck out in his mind. It was in English and the lyrics were quite hazy, but Kageyama still tried to listen carefully and commit what he could to memory as well, not wanting to lose a single trace of that day they’d spent together. Maybe he’d be able to find it later; that was his last coherent thought before sleep came to claim him.

But even his subconscious wouldn’t let him forget, and when he awoke come morning wrapped up in Hinata’s arms, he repeated those lyrics in his own head until he had every foreign syllable memorized, and then the hunt began. It was only weeks later that Kageyama had finally found it, and it was as it had been before on that day the two of them had woken up on New Year’s day, so much more vibrant and full of colour than he ever could have dreamed.

The train arrived faster that both he or Hinata had anticipated as they stood together in the present. As the train cruised into view, Kageyama felt like the ground had fallen out from underneath him.

“I think I’m gonna be sick,” Kageyama wheezed.

Hinata would have none of it. “Don’t you dare! This is a momentous occasion, and there shall be no puking!” Hinata said cheerfully, but Kageyama still caught the way that his voice wavered when he spoke. His voice grew softer as he continued. “You’re gonna be great, Tobio. I promise.” Hinata’s voice was barely audible over the scream of the train’s brakes.

Kageyama stared back at him, one million questions swarming inside of his brain - Kageyama couldn’t even figure out which one to give attention to first. He whipped around to stare as the train had blown its whistle. He couldn’t make his feet move at all.

“Shouyou.” Kageyama’s voice cracked when he spoke. “I’m--...”

Turning back to Hinata, Kageyama’s eyes caught on Hinata’s own, and just like that, the questions all melted back.

“Tobio - it’s okay. You can go. Just because we’ll be far apart for a while doesn’t mean I’m going to love you any less. I’ll still be here. No matter how long it takes, I’ll be here waiting for you.” Hinata smiled at him brightly, but his eyes betrayed his sadness. Kageyama found that he couldn’t speak. Hinata closed his eyes and took a deep breath, and when he opened them again, the sadness had melted back, and all Kageyama could see left in its place was love. “I’m proud of you. You’re an amazing person, Kageyama Tobio. I’m glad I got to meet you, and-- and I’m glad I got to love you, too.”

Kageyama couldn’t help the little sob that tore its way past his lips despite his attempts to hold it back, but he blinked back the tears, refusing to let them fall. Hinata was trying so desperately to be strong for him. Hinata would always support Kageyama’s dreams in their entirety - even if it were to put them a world away from each other, Hinata would still push him, encourage him, stand strong like a pillar right beside him no matter where they ended up.

_I’ll do everything I can to find my way back home to you, so wait for me._

Kageyama’s tongue didn’t seem to want to work. He desperately wished he could voice all of these revelations, but he couldn’t. Instead, he channeled all of that feeling into one declaration and prayed that Hinata would understand his conviction through his words.

“I’ll come back for you,” was all he could bring himself to choke out.

The way that Hinata looked at him then confirmed that he felt all of it in its whole entirety. “I know you will.” Hinata laughed through the tears, yet they still didn’t fall. As long as Kageyama stood there beside him, he knew that Hinata would never let those tears hit the ground.

It was time to go, Kageyama realized then. He didn’t-- he didn’t feel _ready._ How could he just go and leave Hinata now? But Hinata was just staring back at him with all of the adoration in the world, and he felt it in turn as Hinata had for him; he knew then that everything was going to be alright.

Kageyama couldn’t hold himself back. He whipped his head around back and forth, cursing under his breath, trying to determine whether or not anyone was paying attention to them - but then again, even if they were, did it truly matter? His resolve fell into place as he realized that he didn’t want to hide from the world ever again; he wanted to exist out in the open. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought of him, because he already had his one stunning and magnificent person who thought the whole world of him, so much so that no amount of hatred or distaste from a stranger could ever hold a candle to it. Kageyama surged forwards to grip onto Hinata’s cheeks, trying to put forth all of his feelings and convictions into one final kiss. He kissed Hinata like it was both their first and last time, because in a way, it was; it was the beginning and the end of an era of Kageyama's life that he would forever cherish and hold close for the rest of his days. He didn't know long they stayed in the embrace, be it just a fraction of a second or many, but he held that kiss in a moment that seemed to last forever while simultaneously feeling like it was over in just a single instant. But still, he wrote every sensation and feeling of that moment to memory where he held it close to his heart right beside all of the rest, and it was only then that the tears fell. They dripped heavy from his eyes onto Hinata’s cheeks, leaving faint little tracks across his skin as they poured out and down to the ground below. Pulling back, Kageyama drew the tiny drawstring bag from his pocket and placed it carefully in Hinata’s hand, making sure to curl Hinata’s fingers around the precious gift with his own to keep it safe and secure. When he met Hinata’s eyes, all of those questions he’d previously had were thoroughly put to rest just by the way that Hinata met his eyes.

“Go,” Hinata choked out. “It’s okay.”

_It’s okay. It’s all okay._

Kageyama nodded once, forcing himself with all of his might to pull back and walk away in the opposite direction, but it was as he had approached the train car’s sliding doors that Hinata had shouted back after him.

“I love you! Kageyama Tobio, _I love you!_ ” Hinata called out to him, Kageyama turning his head to stare back with wide eyes. He stalled in place, fighting the urge to run right back into Hinata’s arms and never let him go; instead, he forced his feet to keep moving forward, even if it felt like there were leaden bricks tied to his feet. 

Hinata was relentless with his words as they'd poured out and out, unable to be held in silence for even a moment longer. “Don’t you ever forget it! You better come back to me soon, you hear me Kageyama?! So get out there and be great!! I’ll be here!” One step, one more step - Kageyama took another and another until he found himself standing on the train. He whipped around, staring through the window back at Hinata who was still calling out to him, not letting up until everything he’d wanted to say was out and in the open between them, because finally, there was no need for them to hold back from each other anymore. “I promise you, I’ll be here when you get back! _This isn’t goodbye!_ ” The doors had long since shut, but Kageyama could still hear the words echoing inside of his head.

There was nothing more that he could say, but then again, they’d never needed words to speak, had they?

Kageyama allowed his eyes to fall shut slowly, holding them closed for several long moments before opening them again. He repeated the motion, forcing himself to leave his eyes closed as long as he could bear. _I want to look at him. I don’t want to take my eyes off of him._ But still, when he opened his eyes again, he closed them again just the same.

After all, in the language of cats, to close your eyes to another was the ultimate display of trust and love. To close your eyes to someone was to entrust them with your whole entire being, to place faith in that person in their entirety. 

_I know you will only ever treat me kindly. I will give you every last piece of myself, so hold it well._

Looking out the window, Kageyama could see Hinata blinking back at him over and over again in earnest, giving it all right back with no hesitation at all.

_I love you! I love you! I love you!_

Kageyama couldn’t stop himself from smiling despite the tears that fell from his eyes as the train began to plow forward. Hinata was waving his arms to him, blinking and blinking and blinking back at him, and Kageyama laughed, a soft little bubbly sound that was choked up with snot, but Kageyama couldn't find it in himself to be embarrassed despite the other passengers who were giving him strange looks. There Hinata went, placing his whole entire everything right back into Kageyama like he had always been doing right from the beginning all along.

Everything would be okay, Kageyama knew then. They were going to make it.

As the train picked up speed and began to pull away from the platform, that dreamlike feeling from New Year’s morning as well as that hazy night in late January all came pouring back, and with it came the recollection of that song that had stuck with Kageyama so closely. Kageyama kept his eyes trained out the window upon that form that was rapidly shrinking with distance as he allowed his mind to drift away; at first it was only several feet of separation a second, then a few yards, then metres upon metres until Hinata’s figure was gone from sight and Kageyama could see him no more. But still, despite the growing distance between them both, Kageyama knew that the departure was only physical. Kageyama’s heart had never left that platform at all; going forward, Hinata would continue to carry it for him with every step he took, and Kageyama knew that he had left those pieces of himself in good hands. Pulling out his phone, Kageyama sent Hinata a quick text asking if he'd like to call later that night before he plugged in his earbuds and took a deep breath, whisking himself out and away into the memories of all of those times that Hinata had made him feel safe and seen, Hinata’s song that Kageyama had finally found coming back to him as it played out in his ears.

_Butterfly Dream;_

_There's no amount of money or fun_

_No conversation that I could have_

_No entertainment that could distract_

_me from the voice that's always in my ear_

_that's always tellin' me it doesn't matter_

_Everywhere I go it's all I hear_

_and it can hurt my head, but it can sound so sweet_

There had once been a point where Kageyama thought himself to simply be rotten right down to his very core, but he had come to learn in time that this simply was not the case. Now the very idea felt like a whole world away; he’d borne every vicious comment and every rejection throughout his life heavy on his shoulders as they’d come, and he’d carried them all alone - at least that was until Hinata had come leaping into his life, calling out to Kageyama like no one had called out to him before, singing out to him at every turn that he was always going to be there. “ _I’m here,_ ” Hinata had always repeated like a mantra, the encouragement no longer sounding like a broken record, but rather a consistent reassurance that Kageyama had never quite known how badly he’d needed. The declaration that Hinata offered him then had blossomed into so much more than just being a support for him to rely on when they were on the court, because before he even knew it, Hinata had built himself up as a pillar of stability that was always going to be there for Kageyama to fall back on. Without ever having spoken aloud, the feelings had always been written in plain sight across his face from the moment that Hinata had hit that toss of his way back in their first year of high school, and Kageyama could still remember the words well; _“I will go anywhere you want me to go. I will be exactly where you need me to be before you’ve even decided you needed me there at all, so what are you waiting for?”_

_If it's not one thing, then it's the next_

_thing that I'm using to get through the day_

_that keeps me staring in the wrong direction_

_And if I only ever look one way_

_then I can miss some things I might have liked to see_

_Wondering if I'm awake_

_Maybe I'm dreaming_

_Well how could I tell anyway?_

_Try and define what was here today_

_but then I know I can't believe my eyes_

_How can I tell you're in front of me?_

_and not a shadow made up in my mind_

Hinata had proceeded to make good on his wordless promise from that point onward without ever wavering once, and his resolve to that day not only held as strong as it has always been, but it had grown and blossomed into something that the Kageyama from years past never would have believed could ever come true even in his wildest dreams. Hinata’s consistent presence and committed attachment had perplexed and confounded Kageyama in the beginning; no matter what Kageyama threw at him, Hinata had been determined right from the beginning to be the one to stand at Kageyama’s side. Knowing all of the pieces of the puzzle now, Kageyama could reflect on his time spent with Hinata with a much higher degree of understanding; Hinata had seen right through his cold and aloof exterior right from the beginning, inserting himself right there at Kageyama’s side and refusing to budge. Kageyama had carried it all alone for so long, but suddenly there was someone at his side who wanted nothing more than to stay right there and carry it with him. Hinata Shouyou was the very first person that Kageyama had ever been able to find a reflection of himself inside of, a reflection that stared back at him with all of the understanding and conviction in the world as he’d taken Kageyama by the hand and had shown him a kindness that no one else had ever had the patience to put forth, investing all of his time and love and expecting nothing in return. He’d just waited patiently, quietly hoping that one day maybe Kageyama might come to feel the same.

It had been Hinata who had taught Kageyama of his own humanity, it had been Hinata who had proved to him that the feelings and love inside him that he’d shoved aside and buried had a worth to them that was immeasurably special, and it had been Hinata who showed him that he’d always been a person who had been worth fighting for all along. There was strength in investing himself into another person willingly, strength in being vulnerable and remaining open, and strength in allowing another person to be the support that made up for all of his weaknesses and allowed him to grow into a better person. Hinata Shouyou had shown Kageyama what it meant to truly feel _happy._

To be wanted was truly an amazing thing, Kageyama thought to himself then. Furthermore, to be wanted by the boy that Kageyama loved more than anything else in the world was just incomprehensible. The more time that Kageyama had spent alongside Hinata’s radiance, the more he’d opened up and bloomed in ways he’d never thought possible, and the more he’d begun to see Hinata for what he truly was. He realized then that he never wanted anyone else to stand beside him - he would reserve that spot in his heart exclusively for Hinata. He knew it then - he’d never been rotten at all. To Hinata Shouyou, Kageyama was worth the entire world and somehow even more than that, and to himself, he knew it just as well. But still, he would never be able to hold a candle to the source of all of those discoveries, to the boy who had sparked a million revelations. 

_I built them up then they all fell down_

_One at a time 'til they laid on the floor_

_I know they'll be eventually run down_

_and when it's gone, I'll be looking for more_

_I built these walls up around myself_

_They're not as safe as I thought that they were_

_I built them up then they all fell down_

_It was the prettiest sound that I ever heard_

No candle could ever hold up against a burning flame, let alone the burning light of the sun, and like their sunflower would track the sun across the sky, Kageyama knew he would follow Hinata for the rest of his life just the same; Hinata was just on a whole entire level altogether, because right from the beginning, without words, Hinata had known it all.

When his phone lit up with a phone call, Kageyama beamed underneath the light that was filtering in through the window and bathing him in a soft and gentle glow. He lifted the phone to his ear and granted all of his attention to the boy he loved more than anything else, happy under the sunlight that smiled down upon him as he listened to Hinata speak, voice muffled through the receiver but perfectly distinct just the same as he moved forward into the new life that he was about to build with Hinata right there at his side.

“You better be ready, Kageyama Tobio, because I’m gonna grow you sunflowers for the rest of your life! _And that's a promise!_ ”

END

\- ♠️ -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Hinata. Kageyama is like, hey, wanna call later tonight? And Hinata goes, "hm, /now?/ You wanna call now? I'm gonna call you now." XD
> 
> The song this time is called “Butterfly Dream” by Turnover. Beautiful song, highly recommend a listen. As it was in the last story, the implementation of the song in this text is like a farewell to the story that marks its end. <3
> 
> And just like that, it’s over all over again! I gift thee with more art in this trying time. ^u^ Shout out again to my anonymous illustrator friend for once again redlining for me and also teaching me some digital art tricks + helping me with my colour scheme. Once again, it’s more like a collab, but the guy is still way too modest and won’t let me credit him. I still don’t understand how digital artists do that thing where they make their lines super smooth though, but I think I’m getting the hang of drawing again. Helps when you can get critiques from a pro, though, seriously thank you dude, especially on those kitties! xD 
> 
> I’ve also compiled a playlist for this story, including songs that would be of Kageyama’s tastes in this timeline, but that’s not all it is; it also follows the events of the story in chronological order as if it were a story itself - there’s the odd song in there that would be from Hinata’s perspective, although most would be from Kageyama’s. Basically, this could be one of his infamous American playlists while still having story significance all its own. If you’ve enjoyed my song choices thus far then check it out! It’s still a WIP that I might add to more in time. :) If you give it a listen I’d love to know your thoughts, but then again, that’s quite the large amount of homework for me to give you. But who knows! Maybe there’s someone out there who’s interested. Maybe it’ll help hold you over until the next installment of this series comes out.  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5seBtKmxGFhOJw3hMBKOT2?si=nvzJynmmQSuWGyvUzbZcOw
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed this version of the story. As I mentioned in the last chapter, I can confirm for sure there’s at least one more coming up after this. It’s still a WIP at the moment, but hopefully it won’t be super long until it’s out - it’s more or less a story that ends with these two having sex (real, actual sex this time lol) with heavy underlying themes of communication and recovery along the way. Kageyama still has a lot to work through, but Hinata is going to be with him every step of the way. That story is more or less me handing out band-aids and cookies to every reader for everything I’ve put you through, seriously, it’s so fluffy that it’ll make you sick. After nearly 100k words, I just want these two to have some happiness in their lives. It still has its ups and downs for sure though with a light dusting of angst, even though the plot is a lot lighter. There’s still a ‘story’ to it of course, it’s not compleeetely mindless fluff or smut or anything, it’s got buildup for sure. After that, the future is up in the air! I start school again soon and working + doing school at the same time is pretty rough. I’m not sure that there will be any big stories after that, if anything, it might just be some short stuff. Our time together may be drawing to a close slowly as I’ll soon need to get back out there to live my life. I’ve always been that person who disappears quietly, but if it’s any reassurance, I always have my note app on my phone to put story ideas, so maybe you’ll end up hearing from me again. Either way, I still got at least that one last story in me, so I’ll be seeing you then for sure! I’m still really proud of its smut scene, I won’t lie. |’D
> 
> I hope my stories will stick with you in some way, no matter how small. I still love all of you, and I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Go forth and be kind! Hope that I’ll see ya in the next one!
> 
> \- Marshal “Mo” ♥


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